SPaG
stored as a database entry saved in a remote computer, isolated from the main scp intranet and any internet network
Should be SCP intranet
Treatment of SCP-XXXX-1 instances is to only be undertaken by members of the Department of Abnormalities.
Treatment […] is to be undertaken by members […] only.
1-2 seconds of continuous contact- Stage 1 :
Throughout the stage descriptions you are inconsistent in your use of periods.
Injuring the individual will lead to internal bleeding at the location of the injury, with its severity depending on the severity of the injury
Redundant. Severity, severity.
signs of extreme distress, pain and agony during the process
"pain and agony" is redundant.
…instances will attempt to escape containment in any way. ,
Punctuation error, thought incomplete.
When unsuccessful, they will attempt to actively breach containment using brute force, but their fragile nature means their attempts are usually unsuccessful, oftentimes leading to the subject's death, usually by having a vital organ disconnected or otherwise damaged.
Run-on sentence. Also, insufficient clinical tone.
Consistency/Flow
Special Containment Procedures: SCP-XXXX must be stored at all times inside…
The ConProcs are extremely complex, and while I understand the validity of wanting to maintain this thing at the highest possible security, these are so dense that they do not provide an adequate hook to really keep me interested. I am reading on as a critique, but as a reader I would have stopped at the numbered list and moved on.
I'd suggest trimming them down completely. First, "must be" should be replaced with "is", as these are active conprocs. Additionally, "inside an armored containment chamber…." can be replaced with "…inside of a Class 4{[footnote]}For information on the Class 4A classification, see ,generic containment doc whatever>{[/footnote]} armored containment chamber." or just leave out the footnote all together.
The giant LEVEL 5 thing at the top pretty much dictates that the conprocs are extensive. You don't need so much detail to convey that.
Instances in the third or higher stage of infection are to be terminated (see below for methods of termination according to instance stage).
The "see below" portion is unnecessary. Your reader is going to keep reading or not, telling them to keep reading isn't going change that.
Subject is placed in SCP-XXXX's containment chamber using a remotely-controlled robotic hand.
I don't know what a "remotely-controlled robotic hand" is.
Test #0001/XXXX
Just about everything here is sub-par. The description of the transformation is lacking in clinical tone. Complexity and the use of overly-technical terminology does not equate to quality clinical tone.
Examples: "Mus musculus" could simply be "common lab mouse", unless you specifically mean a "house mouse", then just say that.
"fleshy appendage" reads like a bad romance novel and isn't particularly descriptive.
First test with a human instance
It isn't an "instance" until has been exposed. This also seems like something that is entirely unnecessary and it feels like it is included for nothing other than lolgore. The Foundation already knows that this will do shitty things to living beings, introducing a person will not do more.
I realize that including the human test sets up the next bit, but the next bit is also problematic.
Overall
This reads very poorly. From the overly-complex conprocs to the unnecessary testing that inadvertently brought on an end of the world scenario, it just escalates for the sake of escalation. It doesn't even really do it in a way that lends itself to a good "Oh, whoa!" moment, it just sort of happens.
The abrupt appearance of a micro black hole was way out of left field and didn't really flow with the entirety of the piece in any sort of meaningful way. "eh, we subdued a black hole." That doesn't make sense even in a "Hey, we're fuckin' badasses" kind of way. It's casual and matter of fact that the entire sentence reads as a casual throw-away than any sort of meaningful accomplishment.
When you pitched the idea to me you said that it was Sarkic in nature, and nothing about this reads as Sarkic, even with the flesh flipping inside out. Sarkics do a lot of things, but rarely without some sort of end game goal in mind. This displays none of that, and I wouldn't consider it at all Sarkic.
Finally, the inclusion of the 001 at the end feels like it was a remedy for writing yourself into a corner, as if it was meant to cover up poor narrative creation. It did not succeed in that in any meaningful way, and instead served only to highlight the overall absurdity of the piece.
It is apparent that you spent a measurable amount of time in looking up the technical classification of some of the elements of your story, and I commend that. Unfortunately, they were not stitched into your overall narrative in a way that lent legitimacy to the story that you are trying to tell.
In the end, it's a ball of substance that almost ends the world, and even with those stakes, it is still just a thing what does a thing, and the narrative is too weak to support it.
