SPaG
Weeping and Gnashing of Teath
"Teeth".
Description: SCP-XXXX is a phenomenon currently effecting the entire earth.
Affecting. Also, Earth.
least one other human they will instantaneously disappear.
Needs a comma after "human".
Due to their body guards all thirteen Overseers were unaffected, however over two thousand Foundation personnel were lost over the first five minutes.
"bodyguards". Also, "during" as opposed to "over".
Civilian casualties cannot be conclusively determined but likely reached ~3 billion within the first instant of SCP-XXXX due to large quantities of the planet's population being asleep and unable to observe any other humans.
Run-on sentence.
the could have caused major damage
"they"
As anyone killed or effected by SCP-XXXX is no longer able to observe other humans,
Verb tense shift. "were no longer".
Foundation personnel over two hundred
Comma after "personnel".
Because of the loss of Foundation personnel over two hundred anomalies breached containment causing mass casualties and environmental damage that has not been fully repaired as of May 2nd, 2021.
Run-on sentence. Also, improper verb conjugation. "have not been".
Four hours after the initial manifestation of SCP-XXXX, the Foundation, with the permission of the Global Occult Coalition's D. S. Al Fine and Council of 108, initiated martial law, dissolved all world governments, officially broke the masquerade and declared the Foundation the sole governing authority of humanity.
Run-on sentence.
the earth's total population
Capitalization error.
into refuge camps
"Refugee".
Consistency/Flow
SCP-XXXX can effect anomalous humans but not other anomalies.
Consider: SCP-X has been shown to only affect humans. Non-human anomalous entities remain unaffected.
Test Log:
These do little to aid the story. Repetitious test logs are boring to read and primarily serve to take up visual space. This could be condensed or restructured into a report from a researcher and serve the same function.
Discovery:
The giant blocks of text here are also difficult to read. The flow of sentence into sentence without a break in the visual flow makes it easy for the eye to wander and for the reader to lose their place.
without any known sign or other phenomenon.
After the fact, the several months of significant uptick in anxiety/depression served as signs of the upcoming event. This makes this portion incorrect.
(such as people driving cars)
Clinical tone drop. Consider: (such as operating heavy machinery/vehicles)
The only confirmed human presence outside the camps is currently Foundation and GOC personnel employed at sites containing hazardous anomalies.
This sentence is awkward. Also, incorrect structure. Consider:
"The only confirmed human presence outside the camps are Foundation and GOC personnel currently employed at Sites containing actively hazardous anomalies."
See Document XXXX-A for proposed methods of reorganizing human society in order to survive in a post SCP-XXXX world.
Document X-A is not a link to anything.
Closing Remarks
This feels like a poorly revamped version of the End of Death canon. There are significant SPaG errors throughout the piece, and they only add to the difficulty I had in actually reading it. The flow from one idea to the next is poorly constructed, and there is no sense of urgency or emotional conflict at all.
The entire piece lacks any sort of narrative tension. We know immediately what's going on, and there is no increase in thematic tension, nor does it conclude in any sort of meaningful way.
