The Babysitter

Summary:

puts living organisms into a deep sleep with a light touch of its fingertips

The Babysitter

Tropinano 10 Feb 2020 20:15

A humanoid resembling an entirely white woman who puts living organisms into a deep sleep with a light touch of its fingertips. (Looking for 1 more Greenlight!) <- THANK YOU!!!

Thanks for the feedback! I've been combing through my idea and I feel I could make something work.
Here's what I think:

+ THIS is the one!

What I'm going for now is that the Babysitter is still an entirely white woman with black eyes. She's not completely sentient and can really only sense presences and tell the time of day. She's very sensitive to concentrated light and loud noises. That's how she was caught by the Foundation, due to being frozen by a stage light temporarily blinding her.

Her abilities are that she is able to locate loud noises or vibrations by organisms and put them to sleep with her fingers, slowing down the internal organs. Prolonged contact with her stops the circulatory system altogether yada yada you get it. Despite this I decided I'm going to take Test logs out altogether since it was pointed out multiple tests would only end in the same outcome (Thanks!) and instead there's just be a short warning in the description about aggravating the SCP. It's cracking open her face to reveal those shiny whites, and ripping the skin off to use as a blanket. Cozy, a weighted blanket! scrapped until there's a reason for this!
As for discovery, i'm sticking with the night club. Good reason, lots of nocturnal noise. Thank you for pointing out if I am going in a more horror direction, I should make it a bit more shocking, and that's where I bring in the narrative. You may now all collectively sigh.

Where I want to go with this is a bit more sadder than I realised. The story is told in audio logs, where one night during containment a soft voice is heard in the containment cell, but yet the entity's face was unmoving. The entity will also be carving on the walls, which establish main points in the narrative. There will be a mix of observations of the carvings and audio logs. It seemed the voice was having a conversation with itself, but yet talked like it was talking to other unheard voices. This is later revealed to be a story about a mother named Pamela Grace, married with 2 daughters (and another baby on the way!)

It seems that Pamela's stress was starting to build up, and she was becoming more irrational and complaining more often about how she's the only one working in the house, how her eldest daughter Madison needs a surgery that they can't pay for, (these events are separate, there are some slight time skips) and soon with another child. She becomes sensitive and quick-tempered, little things setting her off. I'd say this is the build-up, because boom! Stress and tension have built their homes right up in there, and as Carmen (youngest) bugged her about something little, she flipped and accidentally smacked the girl's head into a mirror. Ouch. Head trauma as this hour? Anyway it was fatal, and in a crazed panic Pamela left. Where to? Not sure. But over time in every photo she was in (Unsure of this right now, maybe a single photo she was in), she seemed to have an extra layer of skin over her face until she was unrecognisable. This represents her drifting away from her previous family life, hence why the Babysitter has no nose or mouth.

So yea, she was still pregnant at the time so I guess she felt she couldn't care for three children anymore, slowly becoming paler and frailer, and as her sense of smell and taste glazed over, it seemed her hearing improved. She could only care for this child temporarily now, hence the name 'Babysitter', only wanting nothing more for them to go to sleep.

Cut back to the club, its all bloods and guts. Why couldn't they all just be quiet? The baby was trying to sleep. As it writhed on the ground screaming, she didn't understand why it wasn't as quiet as her time having Madison and Carmen. There were people around her, they needed to leave.

Okay. That got a bit too long. I'd really like to thank those leaving reviews! It really shook things up and I feel I have at least a stronger story now even if it doesn't pass for a greenlight, so thank you!

As discussed I'll be first writing an article for content and explanation/overview of the entity, and adding an extra tale for depth on her life beforehand and leading up to her discovery. This is so the tale has content to back it up, and the article has depth to further intrigue the readers.

I moved and trimmed your thread summary, since it was taking up extra space in the main forum screen. Try to keep thread descriptions (the text in the little box under the thread title) short so you don't crowd out other authors in the forum listing. ~Zyn (Thank you!)

+MY EYES, THEY BURN!(First Concept)

'The Babysitter' is a humanoid woman with white skin and hair, and black eyes. Her concept is that she is attracted to living things making loud noises or vibrations, and slows down the heart rate and blood flow of the organism with the light touch of its fingertips. Prolonged contact continues to slow down the heart rate and blood flow until stopping the entire circulatory system altogether. She has a strict sleep schedule (Awake from 8PM-6AM) despite being nocturnal, and not completely sentient.

+ show block

(It would be advised not to wake her up during the daytime though, who knows how many layers of teeth is under that clay-like face, ready to tear off your skin to use as a blanket…)

EDIT:
On revising my idea:
1) I think I'll show her backstory through audio logs picked up in her containment cell, periodically an echoed voice may be picked up by speakers of a distant voice of what seems to be a very stressed mother in a one-way conversation with others around her, but for some reason, the entity's non-mouth doesn't move. If you're interested the draft for her article is here!
As for why she 'do what she do', she is very sensitive to light and loud noises. I feel these components would spark something interesting within her narrative, which i'm trying to build up through the logs and description etc.
2) A summary of where she was discovered was in a night club in Chesire, England, surrounded by sleeping (and dead) bodies. I've given her the class Euclid because she is pretty easy to capture by the temporary blinding of bright lights and because she isn't particularly sentient other than to tell the time.
3) I am aiming to reveal to the reader that she was someone before becoming an SCP through logs! I've decided the tests will just be a short paragraph in the description, and the main story will be in the audio logs.

As a courtesy to our readers on mobile devices, please collapse long posts. ~Zyn (Will do!)

Last edited on 20 Feb 2020 00:11 by Tropinano Show more

Re: The Babysitter

TheUpsetKitten 10 Feb 2020 20:18

I think that's pretty cool and I don't see why this shouldn't end up as an SCP!

Re: The Babysitter

Tropinano 10 Feb 2020 22:40

(Thank you very much! I've been trying to catch the right vibe when it comes to humanoid SCP's and I hope I got it right! I'd like some pointers and feedback as well though, thank you!)

Re: The Babysitter

cybersqyd 12 Feb 2020 09:18

[noting a PM request to take a look]

I'm kinda unsure about this overall: it feels too much like a generic monster to me? I think it really needs a stronger narrative than just "here is a spooky woman, here are some events showing how spooky she is": I would consider thinking about e.g, why she does what she does, and how the Foundation discovered her; and like, what the actually really interesting aspects of this are?

Slowing stuff down on contact feels kinda interesting but it also feels like there's not really many ways to show it in an interesting manner to me: I'm really not sure about test logs here because like, what new things are they gonna reveal to the reader? I think you're aiming for horror here and I'm kinda wondering how you'll achieve that?

Last edited on 12 Feb 2020 09:39 by cybersqyd Show more

Re: The Babysitter

Tropinano 12 Feb 2020 23:52

I've added edits! How do these sound? (More explanation in op)

1) The SCP now has an added backstory and narrative, as audio was picked up from the entity's cell and audio logs were recorded. It is believed to be a one-way conversation between a mother with 2 daughters during certain periods in her parenthood, and are hypothesised to be linked with the SCP itself.
2) She was discovered in a night club in Chesire, England! I chose this place as I believe it would be a place where there'd naturally be loud noise during the night.
3) I'm aiming to reveal to the reader a story and narrative focused on family! It's a new direction I'm taking and it's all looking good so far!

I hope that's some interesting material to work from, and if you'd like to take a look at the draft i've been boiling up feel free to! Thank you!

Re: The Babysitter (Updated)

(account deleted) 13 Feb 2020 06:33

Activated by PM, will be back with feedback.

---

Uh… I usually advise against the posting of a sandbox link unless a reviewer asks for it, since they wouldn't have to slog through the draft to pick out the appropriate stuff to crit on. Therefore, I have not read through the draft.

I'm basically seconding cybersqyd in terms of the issue regarding how to show the effect of one's blood flow slowing down until they die. I'm not sure if I would be convinced through test logs either, since it's… sort of ending on the same outcome, and hence quite repetitive.

I can agree that the creature (previously being a mother of some sort) would be quite sensitive and cranky towards loud noises in the similar way that mothers would feel when there's a loud noise that could wake their babies up, or their babies making the noise. Perhaps how abt the creature constantly caring for her young (that is within her womb), and instantly becomes cranky towards loud noises?

I feel that you're trying to go for like, horror, but I'm not feeling that much shock/disgust from here? Perhaps the creature was found in the middle of the club, soaked in blood as she gave birth to her young? Then when the baby's out, any loud noises will still make her annoyed, and compel her to do creepy stuff.

I'm not quite sure what all of this would be building up to. The escalation isn't quite there to really keep readers engaged throughout, since they would mostly be expecting a certain climax/twist to really win them over. Perhaps this is because I didn't read the draft, but authors are somewhat expected to effectively summarize what they wanted to do in their draft?

Overall, the idea is still somewhat lacking, probably due to most of it being within the sandbox. Perhaps try to re-summarize by grouping your background story of your creature, what happens after the Foundation catches her, and what's the twist/climax? It may have a bit of that horror atmosphere, but for now, no greenlight from me.

Last edited on 13 Feb 2020 07:22 by (account deleted) Show more

Re: The Babysitter (Updated)

Tropinano 13 Feb 2020 16:43

Thanks so much for reviewing! Since my exams are almost over I've had more time to think about my idea, and in the latest revision I've drifted away from the sandbox a bit and took your advice to give it a more scarier spin! I admit I think I've made the summary a bit too long now, so I'll summarise the..summary. (The full thing in the op)

+ Open

1) Getting rid of test logs altogether. Zero, nada. Instead there's just a warning about aggravating the SCP in the description. Very short.
2) Discovery is in the same place but much more unsettling. She's trying to shut up all these people and wondering why it's still screaming and writhing on the floor. The new baby, that is. New thought but I wonder if I should keep the baby as an extra Addendum study or it just dies? Anyway she's thinking why isn't this the same as when i gave birth to my two other kids? And since she grew much more sensitive hearing she was a lot more aggressive.
3) Narrative and backstory is complete! Audio logs link the Babysitter with the spirit of an overly-stressed mother married with 2 kids. Problems keep coming up, little things set her off and one day she accidentally smashes her youngest's head into a mirror. Brain hemorrhage. Fatal. She runs away in a crazed panic. Goes missing. Pictures of her change. Curtain's close.

And for now I feel that's solid! It could do with a bit more work but now I feel I have a much more compelling story! Thank you very much for the help!

Last edited on 13 Feb 2020 16:43 by Tropinano Show more

Re: The Babysitter (Updated)

(account deleted) 14 Feb 2020 00:09

Why must the creature rip people's skin off to make blankets, specifically, and not some other materials? It feels like it's just there to amp up the disgust, but without an established reason, this feels quite random.

Given that the meat of the article lies within the audio logs, you should be careful not to make it seem… overly convenient that she decides to conveniently recall her entire background story. Perhaps not make the creature talk, but maybe draw/carve on the walls? Again, overly-convenient, so you're gonna have to show how you're going to make this believable. I feel that making her draw/carve stuff on the walls could show more, and tell less, and could evoke sympathy from the readers?

The photos seem overly convenient as well? She did leave alone, so I doubt there's a person who luckily manages to capture her in the background or something everywhere she goes? And why extra layers of skin? What does that represent?

That said, this seems to work better as a tale? An origin tale, perhaps. There's more narrative freedom there, so you can really zoom in on the terrible hardships and distress that she's going through, separated by brief moments of lull before the storm to get that roller-coaster of emotions.

Overall, it has improved, but there are still some plot holes and an issue of over convenience that make me hesitatnt to be confident in this idea.

Re: The Babysitter (Updated)

Tropinano 14 Feb 2020 15:37

Thanks for asking! I'll be updating the op with this info too in a minute.

+ Here's what I think! :-)

1) The whole skin blanket thing I admit is definitely a little off now I think about it. I thought of it when I first made her up last year, and god knows what 2019 Tropia was thinking! For now I feel I could remove it, but if I do find a valid reason to include it I'll add it back in afterwards.
2) I like the carving idea! Gives a new primal sense to her and totally fits in as well seeing as though I did say she wasn't completely sentient. Along with that I would love to atleast keep in some of the audio logs. I'd say carvings to establish main points, and audio to go along with it. I wouldn't say it would be too over-convenient then since as I said before we can only hear her voice and no one else, e.g:

Instead of:
Person 1: Hi, how are you?
Person 2: I'm good and you?
Person 1: Doing well.

It would be:
Person 1: Hi, how are you? ….Doing well.

I do agree that it may seem very convenient, but maybe if I dial it down a bit and also include the carvings, it could work really well! Drawings make sense aswell, since her husband was an artist. That could be a light part to an otherwise sadder story.

3) What I think I meant by the photos was that photos already existing of her would change over time, for example maybe a family photo or passport photo. I think the 'layers' would represent her drifting away from who she was, and becoming a lot less sapient in general. I do think now that every photo may be way too vague and doesn't really make sense, so I could perhaps only do one photo where she's the only one present in it.
4) Finally I really really love the idea of writing a tale! I tend to get very dialogue-heavy and flowery with some of my writing (like that book i wrote last year, it's honestly more like a script.) But a problem is I read that tales have to be based off atleast a GoI or a mainlist SCP, and since she isn't on the mainlist I don't know if i'd be allowed to be basing it off something that nobody's heard about. Let me know though if someone has written a tale before making the actual SCP, I'd love to hear about it!
(Again thank you so much for reviewing! I feel the story and SCP itself looks a lot better than it was thanks to the help I've gotten!)

Last edited on 14 Feb 2020 19:20 by Tropinano Show more

Re: The Babysitter (Updated)

(account deleted) 14 Feb 2020 16:17

I read that tales have to be based off atleast a GoI or a mainlist SCP

…I don't think this is necessarily the benchmark? There are tales such as Three Portlands Pastries (mostly abt weird, anomalous food) and the Young Foundation.

Do get more opinions on this first. I'm not sure if you're set on writing a tale/SCP article, so I'll be holding off on any further crit to avoid confusion. Feel free to PM me once you've decided the route to take.

Re: The Babysitter (Updated)

(account deleted) 15 Feb 2020 09:26

Hmm. An SCP article huh? That's alright I suppose. I think it could also work that way, given that you could first give an article giving some form of an 'overview' of what she does, and then progress onto a tale to explore her background even more.

What you have right now could be potentially horrifying while sad at the same time, which I'm in favor of. I'm a bit concerned with the pacing and how you're gonna convey Pamela as, but I think that could be fixed in the drafting stage? And it does seem that you're willing to make changes (regardless if it's minor/major) in the draft. Greenlight. (You need one more to post your draft to the Draft Critique Forum).

Re: The Babysitter (Updated)

Tropinano 16 Feb 2020 14:24

Thanks a million! I'm hoping I have the potential to create something worth reading and this has been a huge step towards that!

Re: The Babysitter (LF 2nd GL!)

Doctor Fullham 19 Feb 2020 23:45

We had a brief chat about this on IRC, with that and reading what you have here, I'm comfortable Greenlighting this. Horror and sadness are a really good combination of emotions to play with, and I'm interested to see what you can do with it.