Folding Henry-feedback wanted

Summary:

He takes contortion too far every time. Help wanted and appreciated, thank you.

Folding Henry/Critiques encouraged

ItchyTwitchy 08 Jan 2020 19:00

Henry, the SCP I want to write, is generally easily able to mistake for a normal human when covered. Tanned skin, hair color unknown right now, and about five and a half feet. Anomalous properties are the grotesque flexibility he possesses, unlike a human Henry is able to stretch limbs and body unnaturally with internal organs showing slightly underdeveloped lungs and sporting irregular ligaments or muscle around joints along with internal membranes that hold everything in place. His skeleton can collapse on itself while also having malleable bones which allows him to squeeze through anything wider then his skull quite easily to escape confines or hide from predators or humans. His hands have become highly sensitive, nine fingers on each hand (4 thumbs, 2 index, 2 pointers, 1 middle) act as a sort of satellite for him, allowing quick movement and ability to sense vividly enough as a sort of "second sight" while his upper cheek bones, nose bridge and eye areas allow for extra sensory for more direct sensations that mimic actual sight. His feet secrete an odd mucus that seems to create a suction effect when he places his feet fully down, allowing him to stick to many surfaces which serves as another method for fleeing but also aids in catching small animals. Needed environment is a slightly humid place that's above 60°F, too dry and skin begins to molt heavily all over which is both uncomfortable to watch and slightly painful for Henry.

General idea of the story (hopefully), this will most likely change

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The main story of the diary entries is written by the father in a depressed and slightly manic state, suffering after losing his wife during the birthing process. Fro. His eyes we would learn about his son, how he came out wrong and it was his doing for his wife dying. As the entries go the man becomes more hateful towards the boy, of course not making much sense as they go. The final entry would describe his failed attempt to kill his son, believing some entity or dark being told him to so he could get his wife back. He fails and ultimately ends up disappearing into the night or ending his own life not wanting to continue on without his wife. From there we would have an interview with the subject between himself and a researcher to find out what they can, from that we would learn the events he went through to learn more about himself. Everything from playfully mimicking frogs and climbing walls to stealing food by squeezing through doggy doors and vents and how he was eventually found out.

I'm not sure about a driving concept yet, this is just a general idea that probably won't stick so keep that in mind.

As for the mood or the wanted feelings when reading are hopefully empathetic, I need to research more into what childhood abuse and neglect can do to adults but I want to make Henry more sensitive and wanting of affection, something the Foundation obviously won't give him.

TL;DR

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-Blind man, mostly humanoid at first glance and easily hides.
-Highly sensitive hands for a sort of "second sight" along with facial sensors, each hand having nine fingers in total (four thumbs, two pointers, two index and one middle finger).
-Secretions on feet allow for sticking to most surfaces.
-Bones either malleable with extremely resilient and stretchy ligaments or none at all with an internal membrane to keep them in place that is extremely stretchy as well.
-Possibly aquatic in nature given needed environment (warm with medium to high humidity).
-Hair possibly similar to catfish whiskers.
-Either born with mutations or born normal and gained the mutations.
-Written by diary entries from father, mother and possibly an interview log or an SCP document entry.

That's it so far, still working on the idea.

Last edited on 14 Jan 2020 17:15 by ItchyTwitchy Show more

Re: Folding Henry/Critiques encouraged

Dr Garreth Miller 12 Jan 2020 14:52

I’m not really one who can say anything but as a fluent reader and book worm I’d say that the idea can go to some amzing places I absolutely love the idea but needs some working on and yes make everything original no matter how hard it is because people like reading things that are authentic and if it is it will leave a mark in their memory in a good way of course

Forum Criticism Team - Captain Post

Zyn 12 Jan 2020 20:40

Dr Garreth Miller, this feedback is vague and unhelpful.

I’d say that the idea can go to some amzing places I absolutely love the idea

What about the idea do you like, and why? Given that you don't state any specifics here, it doesn't look like you read the idea summary at hand.

but needs some working on

How so? What does the author need to work on to improve this, and why?

and yes make everything original no matter how hard it is because people like reading things that are authentic and if it is it will leave a mark in their memory in a good way of course

How can the author do this? Do you have examples? Is this currently not original or memorable, hence you needing to tell the author this? (Also, "authentic" and "original" in writing don't really mean the same things.)

If you're going to try giving feedback in the forums, try to at least respond to specifics rather than posting a generic response that could be interpreted as relating to any number of drafts. Furthermore, remember that the point of the forums is to help the author improve their work.

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

Doctor Fullham 09 Jan 2020 01:31

So it's like Edward Scissorhands...

Okay. Okay. This is a weird one. Like, really weird.

I love weird.

But, as much as I love weird, got a few Qs for ya:

transplanted hands with eighteen fingers in total.

Multiple transplanted hands on each wrist?

An idea was extreme flexibility thanks to his folding skeleton, able to fit through anything wide enough his skull fits through without getting crushed but skin and flesh can squeeze into pretty tight spaces.

This image is just so disturbing. I have a feeling you plan on playing that up, right?

Not sure if him being a bit sticky on his feet is a good addition but it's a thought I guess.

It certainly makes him feel more insectoid if that's the angle you're shooting for.

Another possible idea was him being able to see weird things others don't and sometimes phasing through walls but I'm thinking maybe not on both.

First one, maybe, but I'd say no on phasing. Maybe his additional sensory apparatus allow him to sense things like Hume level fluctuations?

I wanted to toss irony in there and make him a visual artist claiming he can smell the colors and sometimes taste sound just to screw with people, but I'm also thinking of tossing that as well.

This is actually a documented phenomenon called Synesthesia. I almost love the idea of him being an incredible artist because he can't see and it "allows him to sense the true beauty shrouded by light" or something.

Some other things:

What does having a bunch of extra fingers have to do with a folding skeleton? Like, how did he get all these extra fingers/hands/whatever? Did he used to be a normal guy? What's he like other than "sassy when they ask personal questions"? What's his story?

As far as I know, there is nothing like this on the site and you've managed to put some really interesting anomalies into a humanoid without it being super OP or feeling like a comic book character. But what's the tone? Body horror by examining what precisely they SEE when he does this? Sympathy for him by showing what led him to gain these abilities? The Foundation trying to use him to hunt and/or contain other anomalies?

If you can get an engaging story attached to this guy, I think this could have some real traction.

Last edited on 09 Jan 2020 06:23 by Doctor Fullham Show more

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

ItchyTwitchy 09 Jan 2020 08:34

Doctor Fullham

Thank you for the interest and feedback! Responses in the block.

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Multiple transplanted hands on each wrist?

He's got only one palm but with many fingers, think about it like a transplant surgery but someone added too many fingers to the palm. But, if he did have multiple hands, I can see it being quite weird, possibly a double forearm situation if that's the case but I'm not sure of the finger count on that one. The fingers are fine tuned sensors, better then the flat open palm, I'm thinking they move both facing the palm and the back of the palm, like having a double sided hand with extra fingers attached.

This image is just so disturbing. I have a feeling you plan on playing that up, right?

For the flexibility, I was actually thinking it's what got him found out, if seeing a man doing a 360° Exorsist style head spin then climbing up a wall and crushing himself into a vent isn't terrifying enough for normal people, see him doing that in utter darkness in an abandoned building. It gets quite unsettling, to me at least.

It certainly makes him feel more insectoid if that's the angle you're shooting for.

I could go with more insect but I was thinking like a lizard, I've seen them crawling up walls and glass no issue and that's what I was thinking since I'm not sure if the other things would fit with an insect…unless bugs are more horrifying then I thought.

First one, maybe, but I'd say no on phasing. Maybe his additional sensory apparatus allow him to sense things like Hume level fluctuations?

Yeah, someone else said phasing wasn't a good idea, I'll keep him solidly grounded in the solid state of matter then. Though, Hume levels are for reality, yes? It's stability and all? I can see him being able to somewhat sense the changes, not fully or where but something akin to a drop in pressure in the general area of a Hume difference.

This is actually a documented phenomenon called Synesthesia. I almost love the idea of him being an incredible artist because he can't see and it "allows him to sense the true beauty shrouded by light" or something.

I didn't realize it was an actual thing but yes, I wanted to include it. One thought I had for him was that when found originally his "home" was covered and thousands upon thousands of strange and unknown glyphs and seemingly words written in another language completely unknown to humans but written entirely all in red chalk and liquid and in Foundation custody he exhibits this effect repeatedly.

His story is a bite vague to me at the moment, but my thought was, there are other worlds then this and I went with that. He came from a rift, essentially, a timeline of Earth gone horrifically wrong, he was found already deformed, precise surgical markings indicating he's be altered but why isn't clear to others yet, though they all serve some sort of purpose for general survival. Flexibility and collapsing to escape or scare off predators, extremely heightened senses in order for him to see any dangers that may be lurking, though only physical and within his "sight" range, the fingers providing sheer grip to latch on if covered properly, the feet allowing vertical escape if he can't find any place to slither into or anyway to scare off whatever might be going after him.

But, one thing that might be included (not sure) is an anomalous necklace of sorts. It's like a layered necklace made of soft twine that has been rendered completely unbreakable and fused to the back of his neck, partially melted or even sewn to his skin. It would hold small chalk sticks, like the kind teaches had for their chalk boards in different colors. Each stick is seemingly endless, never running out but creating dusts that have strange properties but I'm not sure of them yet, I may not include this.

I'm not sure about his anatomy either, but I was considering an internal membrane, like a second skin that kept his bones from shifting too much. Either that or his bones are all somewhat malleable meaning he's able to bend more but he also wouldn't have stretchy limbs. Though, if he did have the membrane in thinking his bones have natural seams that can pop out of place to allow even more flexibility then an average human.

Last edited on 09 Jan 2020 14:40 by ItchyTwitchy Show more

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

Doctor Fullham 09 Jan 2020 15:37

Folding at home...

His story is a bite vague to me at the moment, but my thought was, there are other worlds then this and I went with that. He came from a rift, essentially, a timeline of Earth gone horrifically wrong, he was found already deformed, precise surgical markings indicating he's be altered but why isn't clear to others yet, though they all serve some sort of purpose for general survival.

This gets into a pretty big cliche that a lot of people are going to see as lazy writing. "They're from the future/alternate Earth/another dimension" is an easy out, because you use "well it's weird because it's not from here" rather than thinking of a circumstance that would cause someone who was once a normal human to turn into this thing, or what someone's reaction would have been to see, say, a human infant with eighteen fingers, or a parent's horror of seeing their child slip through the playpen bars by collapsing their skeleton.

One thing I do want to focus on is this:

precise surgical markings indicating he's be altered but why isn't clear to others yet

Do you know this? Because as the author, you should really know this guy's backstory, and this is another thing that often comes across as "I couldn't think of anything so I just left it out."

But, one thing that might be included (not sure) is an anomalous necklace of sorts. It's like a layered necklace made of soft twine that has been rendered completely unbreakable and fused to the back of his neck, partially melted or even sewn to his skin. It would hold small chalk sticks, like the kind teaches had for their chalk boards in different colors. Each stick is seemingly endless, never running out but creating dusts that have strange properties but I'm not sure of them yet, I may not include this.

I would recommend not. It doesn't really add much of anything and just seems like piling more anomalies on to this person.

I think you have the ingredients for something really cool here, but you need to focus on paring it down to the absolute necessary parts of this being and focus on who he is, why he is the way he is, and what his motivations are. If you can get good answers to those, you have a strong character you can shape a narrative around.

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

ItchyTwitchy 09 Jan 2020 16:26

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Doctor Fullham

This gets into a pretty big cliche that a lot of people are going to see as lazy writing. "They're from the future/alternate Earth/another dimension" is an easy out, because you use "well it's weird because it's not from here" rather than thinking of a circumstance that would cause someone who was once a normal human to turn into this thing, or what someone's reaction would have been to see, say, a human infant with eighteen fingers, or a parent's horror of seeing their child slip through the playpen bars by collapsing their skeleton.

You're right, that does seem pretty lazy. It would make more sense if he was born like that but I'm not sure exactly what would cause that aside from some really unsettling mutations in the womb or growing but they do make it sound more plausible.

Do you know this? Because as the author, you should really know this guy's backstory, and this is another thing that often comes across as "I couldn't think of anything so I just left it out."

A general notation of what possibly caused it, if I were seriously considering writing it (too afraid/anxious to think about it) I would probably ask others about it, I'm not sure if I should talk about it here or if my idea is fleshed out enough or even interesting which is why this is just an idea and not actually anything being considered. My thought process is more or less a train crash that's on fire 24/7, too many thoughts at once and things get lost in translation near constantly which make them incoherent and idiotic sounding.

I'll try to work on it more on paper and not on here, I know how hard it is for people to write humanoids and how they tend to go down in flames within the community which is another large part of why this probably won't end up going anywhere if I can't get things straight or working right for anything coherent.

I know there's several ideas already used by people for the humanoids, which narrows down what can be used for reasons as to why he's funky. I had some idea before now as to why but then I realized it was lazy, halfhearted and not working well so I scraped it. The only other thing I can think about without having to create any other document is just an inhuman parent or severe mutation, resulting in him coming into the world from an egg or developing over time into what he is now, like a tadpole starting as a human (or an actual tadpole) then growing up and becoming what the Foundation knows him as. I supposed it'd make more sense if he was found as a kid.

Last edited on 09 Jan 2020 16:53 by ItchyTwitchy Show more

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

Doctor Fullham 09 Jan 2020 20:21

I'll try to work on it more on paper and not on here, I know how hard it is for people to write humanoids and how they tend to go down in flames within the community which is another large part of why this probably won't end up going anywhere if I can't get things straight or working right for anything coherent.'

The reason humanoid SCPs tend to do poorly is that they're rarely done well. I recommend reading The Humanoid SCP Guide. Being born with a severe mutation is not an unacceptable origin story, and the audience is willing to leave a lot up to suspension of disbelief if the story is compelling.

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

ItchyTwitchy 09 Jan 2020 20:40

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Doctor Fullham I'm a pretty bad writer myself, I don't believe I have much of a chance but nonetheless the practice helps.

I can't use a doctor route, already been done by a few people and I have no explanation as to why the doctor or crazed scientist would work on a human subject, as you said the other world is a lazy writing tactic and I can't use possession since I'm not well versed in how spiritual or ritualistic things fare in the SCP lists. The last thing I can think of is, like you said, a sick woman who became pregnant and had a very abnormal pregnancy, either that or someone was putting something in her that made the baby mutate.

Last edited on 09 Jan 2020 21:00 by ItchyTwitchy Show more

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

Doctor Fullham 10 Jan 2020 05:21

I want to reiterate that the details are less important than an engaging story. I am bringing up possibilities of where he came from as a potential narrative hook, not as a question that demands an answer. There are loads upon loads of anomalies where their origin is part of the anomaly and is thus never explained. Maybe he doesn't even know what happened anymore. If you believe that you can not do this idea justice, perhaps save it for once you have some more experience writing SCPs and return later, or move on to something new. I don't want to encourage you to hold on to an idea you dislike, but I also don't want to encourage you to abandon something you do.

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

ItchyTwitchy 10 Jan 2020 17:02

I understand, it's just that worry of accidently giving the feel of copying another SCP entry without meaning to. What I have is still really rough, it needs work, probably months of it before it'll be fitting and working properly enough to come close to anything. I've been revisiting it the past few days, looking through a few possible routes as to why so I can figure out the story more. After that it's considering if he remembers or if he doesn't and how he ended up in containment and how to write everything out if I move forward with it. I like the idea, I just have to remember that I can't go too far with it but also interesting at the same time within reason. For me I have to get the details right before the story comes out in full, wanting to make sure I have everything before I put it all into one coherent writing.

Last edited on 10 Jan 2020 18:07 by ItchyTwitchy Show more

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

cybersqyd 12 Jan 2020 07:43

[Noting a PM request to take a look]

I broadly agree with Doctor Fullham here: the dude being able to stretch and stuff at will sounds like it could be really fascinating; but where this will really shine is how you choose to show this off.

It seems to me like you've put a bunch of time into thinking about the possible origins of the SCP and to me that feels, uninteresting? I'm gonna suggest you really consider figuring out a way to really explore what he does more; and also really think about what kinda thing you want to do here: is Folding Henry a terrifying body horror piece? Or a comedy piece about a misadjusted person who's body doesn't work trying to navigate a world that wasn't made for them? Do you want a reader to feel sorry for the SCP? How does what the SCP wants/does interact with what the Foundation wants/does to it?

Last edited on 12 Jan 2020 08:07 by cybersqyd Show more

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

ItchyTwitchy 12 Jan 2020 14:41

cybersqyd Thank you for that. For me the biggest worry is making it feel incomplete. To get the story and the feel of the whole thing I like to flesh it out before I really start digging in and making everything fit together. That's why I put the origins there, so when I come back to see it and work more on the story I have an idea for where it all starts and how to manipulate it into what's needed but I can understand how where he comes from makes it less interesting. Though, for that last point, what do you mean? The whole wants/does thing? I haven't factored much in yet since it's still a heavy rough but I haven't really thought about that yet.

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

cybersqyd 12 Jan 2020 14:49

Well, like, the SCP is a person (even if they aren't human, they're implied to be sapient), and so they have motivations: things they want to do, and things they need to do to survive? But the Foundation also has motivations: they want to keep the SCP contained, and like, understand it's properties so they can keep it so. These two things don't always act in tandem: for example, the Foundation would likely stop a SCP who wants to hunt from hunting. And that sort of conflict can be a really good way to drive a SCP article: you can really focus on the Foundation figuring out how best to work around what the SCP does, or the emotional impact on the SCP of the Foundation stopping it from doing something.

But it's also, of course, not the only way you can create a conflict that drives the story forward: sometimes, you want to focus on e.g, the Foundation interacting with the people who made the SCP, or something else entirely.

What are you current thoughts about what you want to do with the story? It seems like you're thinking about it here (which is good! it's always worth thinking about that) but I don't really have a feel for what your ideas on it are?

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

Dr Garreth Miller 12 Jan 2020 14:51

I just replied the wrong person didn’t i

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

Dr Garreth Miller 12 Jan 2020 14:51

Sorry

Last edited on 12 Jan 2020 16:37 by Dr Garreth Miller Show more

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

(account deleted) 12 Jan 2020 14:53

Dr Garreth Miller, as F15H35 had mentioned in your idea thread, please click on the 'Options' button located at the bottom of your post (not the page itself) and click 'Edit' to edit your own post. This helps keep spam down.

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

ItchyTwitchy 12 Jan 2020 15:19

cybersqyd Oh, that makes sense. And I do apologize if it still seems vague, my head is a constant train wreck and my thoughts sometimes sound absolutely crazy and incoherent to others when I get too excited or depe into a certain aspect of it.

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My intention for the story was from the father's point of view first in collected diary entries found by the Foundation either before Henry was caught (a mad scientist with inhuman screaming coming from his house is probably worrying to neighbors or local hunters) or after when he's talking to staff. It starts off after he's born, his father hating him for killing his mother in childbirth (the one I'm going for currently anyway) and how the father seems to become more and more aggressive and manic seeing his son becomes more like his wife as he becomes more humanoid and coming to terms with the fact his mate/wife is dead because of Henry. Eventually at one point he attempts to kill Henry, citing he was a mistake that never should've happened but Henry escapes out of fear. He travels for a good while, finding people get scared seeing him and he's forced to flee as he's still young and far from human looking. He evades human areas for as long as he can, finding himself slithering through allies and hiding in trash before he finds a flooded abandoned building or likely a lake where he stays for a long time until he's older and appears more human. This is when he accidently gives a police officer a heart attack and subsequently gets captured by the Foundation. Everything after his escape would be in an interview log with him as he is illiterate and unable to write but can talk quite fluently thanks to his dad. When found the home it was devoid of life but not the things, so that would be where the father's diary comes from.

It's still rough and just an idea for how the story goes but one I feel might work.

Last edited on 12 Jan 2020 15:31 by ItchyTwitchy Show more

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

cybersqyd 12 Jan 2020 15:39

Hm. See, my concern with this is that the existence of the SCP report implies it all works out okay for the SCP since this is backstory? So I'm not quite sure what would drive the reader forwards? There doesn't feel like there's a lot of like, conflict (in the sense of the SCP having an obstacle(s) to overcome) between the start and the end that would really like, serve to create tension and drive interest? But it also doesn't really feel like there's much of an emotional arc either? Henry is much the same at the start as he is at the end: he doesn't grow, or learn to use his powers better or anything?

So like, yeah it's a journey but it doesn't quite feel like it's enough to carry a SCP article. I actually suggested considering how the SCP and Foundation interact here because like, it's a lot easier to tell a story around that since that's how the framing for a SCP article works?

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

ItchyTwitchy 12 Jan 2020 16:01

cybersqyd That makes sense. As I said it's just a rough possible idea, not one that's concrete yet. If I did go this route or one similar I'd find ways for him to learn to use his abilities, like getting into homes via doggy doors by collapsing through them because he's too big, to get food inside or learning to climb up trees with the aid of his feet to get to fruit or learning to hunt fish using his abilities (not sure if he's omnivorous or carnivorous yet) or even to protect himself after he escapes which would come up in the logs later in the article (being asked about why he's got scars). I plan on looking at other mainlisted items and see how they format everything but I think the most common is the SCP info document first and after that the addendums and logs.

I need to study how childhood neglect and abuse effects grown children, his father would be a hindrance to Henry in the early years, he'll learn a lot of what he can do wanting to mimicking animals like frogs (sticky) snakes (thin and bendy) and cats (can squish through things because everyone knows cats are basically liquid) to learn about what he's able to do most possibly that way. But again, just an idea, nothing I'm considering using yet as it's rough stages.

Last edited on 12 Jan 2020 16:31 by ItchyTwitchy Show more

Re: Folding Henry-feedback wanted

Dr Garreth Miller 12 Jan 2020 14:50

Sorry!

Last edited on 12 Jan 2020 15:12 by Dr Garreth Miller Show more