Bubblewrap SCP

Summary:

A draft for a sheet of bubblewrap that uses a temporal anomaly to repair damage and accidental time travel

Bubblewrap SCP

torcsandantlers 08 Jan 2020 17:51

My draft!

Please take a look at my first real attempt at an SCP. It's a sheet of bubblewrap that anomalously repairs damage and has some temporal side effects on people. The draft is about 3800 words long. It's 2,600-ish now.

The formatting is pretty rough at this point, but I wanted to get some critique on the writing before I invested too much time in formatting. I'm unhappy with the experiment logs; I feel like I was beating my head against a wall trying to get the tone correct.

I still want to change up the formatting a bit, but it's pretty close to final now. The experiment logs have been:

yeeted into the beyond

and summed up in a memo.

Other notable changes:

• Simplified the effects of the object. They were more complicated than they needed to be and were distracting from the narrative.
• Cut a few interviews out, since they weren't adding much.
• Made lots of tone tweaks at MalyceGrave's suggestion.

I was greenlit by Simartar and MalyceGraves over here. They very politely let me know that my first idea was boring, and gave me a nudge in the right direction. I hope I've developed it into something worthwhile.

Thanks ahead for looking and double thanks for any critique.

Last edited on 17 Jan 2020 23:41 by torcsandantlers Show more

Re: Bubblewrap SCP

MalyceGraves 09 Jan 2020 01:23

[placeholder]

I will be saving this periodically. If you do not see a "finished" bit at the bottom, I advise waiting.

+ Show critique

My first suggestion is this: https://ccsearch.creativecommons.org/photos/8601b383-7e7b-4a92-b531-577f941bc82d

Object Class: Safe

So very safe.

SCP-XXXX is currently stored laying flat on a tray with the bubbled side facing up. SCP-XXXX is to be secured in this orientation on a tray in a locked container. SCP-XXXX must not be stored within 6m of any other SCP, personnel, or vital instrument.

Consider: "SCP-XXXX is stored falt on a plastic tray in a locked case with the bubbled side facing up. SCP-XXXX is not to be stored within 6m of any other SCP object or vital instrumentation, and a 6m exclusion zone should be indicated to prevent personnel from entering into SCP-XXXX's area of effect.

Access to SCP-XXXX requires Level-3 authorization or higher.

This security clearance is really high for this object. I would suggest: Access to SCP-XXXX requires special authorization from the Head Researcher and available only to those already granted Level 2 clearance.

Direct interaction with SCP-XXXX should only be carried out in emergency situations. Interaction with SCP-XXXX is to be facilitated through the use of a remotely controlled drone or robotic implement.

Consider: Direct interaction with SCP-XXXX is allowed only in emergency situations. Research-specific interaction with SCP-XXX…

SCP-XXXX should be checked weekly to confirm that there has been no accidental activation and to record the remaining number of bubbles.

Consider: SCP-XXXX should be checked weekly to insure no accidental activation has taken place, and to record the remaining number of active "bubbles".

Any SCP-XXXX-3 subject that enters into the present time should be held in a standard humanoid containment cell. Amnestics should be administered between 1152 and 1176 hours after the entry of the subject. The remainder of the subject’s time in foundation custody should be spent in a sedated state.

Consider: Any SCP-3 instance that appears the current timeline should be immediately sedated and transferred to a humanoid containment cell adjacent to the SCP-XXXX containment area to be evaluated for interrogational value. Afterwards, subject should be amnesticized and kept sedated to prevent any causal abnormalities.
Also, since you have a list of -3 instances, I suggest referencing it here. "Please see XXXX.doc.01 for list of current -3 instances." or something like that.

SCP-XXXX is a standard 30cm x 30cm sheet of Bubble Wrap (SCP-XXXX-1), the field of temporal effects it produces upon activation (SPC-XXXX-2), and those subjects temporally affected by it (SCP-XXXX-3).

I don't like the way this reads, but I can't think of a better way to say it at the moment. Consider revision?

SCP-XXXX-1 contains 1,764 6mm diameter bubbles. At the time of containment, 1,204 bubbles remain unruptured. The content of these bubbles remains unidentified. Spectrographic and radiological testing fails to detect any contents, however the surface tension of the bubbles suggests that they are entirely filled with a substance.

Consider: SCP-XXXX contains 1764 6mm diameter plastic hemispheres filled with an unknown gaseous substance. At the time of containment…

SCP-XXXX-2 seemingly acts on all matter that was contained within the effective range within the previous 15 minutes.

Consider: SCP-X-2 appears to affect all matter within the effective range within the previous….

Activation is as near to instantaneous as can be measured with the available implements.

Consider: Activation is instantaneous.

SCP-XXXX-3 is any subject effected by SCP-XXXX-2-C outside of controlled testing.

We already know this from a few paragraphs ago.

SCP-XXXX-2-A:

I am meh on this. I don't really see anything technically wrong with it, but it's just kinda… meh.

SCP-XXXX-2-B:

Same.

I think these two can be combined in a single quick paragraph.

Also, what might make this more interesting is having this done in a memo format.

Those effected by SCP-XXXX-2-C return to their original times after 50 days.

Consider: Those effected by SCP-X-2C return to their temporal place of origin after 50 days.

Upon return, the present versions of subjects appear in the position previously held by the future versions. The future version disappears at the instant that the present version reappears. It is assumed, but unable to be confirmed, that future versions return to their original timeline.

This is a lot of words to say something that could be said with fewer.

Consider: Subjects are immediately swapped upon termination of the causal loop. Or something like that.

{{collapsible show="SCP-XXXX-3 Subjects:" hide=" SCP-XXXX-3 Subjects:"]]

I suggest labeling this as an attached doc. "XXXX.doc.01" or something.
Consider:

RESEARCH MEMORANDUM

---

FROM: Dr. Someone Somebody,
TO: Dr. Thatperson Thatname
DATE: <date>
RE: SCP-XXXX-2 observed effects

---

After having taken a good long stare, I've concluded that this does a thing.

---

Codeblock:

[[div style="display: inline-block; border:dashed 1px #999999; background:#F5F5F5; float:center; width:84%; padding:1px 15px; margin: 10px 10px 10px 40px"]]
= **RESEARCH MEMORANDUM**
----
**FROM:** Dr. Someone Somebody, 
**TO:** Dr. Thatperson Thatname
**DATE:** <date>
**RE:** SCP-XXXX-2 observed effects 
----
After having taken a good long stare, I've concluded that this does a thing. 
----
[[/div]]

Interviewed: SCP-XXXX-3-D

(Subject nods his head in agreement)

Consider: <Subject nods in agreement>

Dr. Simmons: Alright. And who is the president, Mister Johnson?

[REDACTED]

Consider:

SCP-XXXX-3-D: [Response redacted to prevent retrocausal anomaly]

Closing Statement: SCP-XXXX-3-C became upset after the mention of his mother. It is hypothesized that SCP-XXXX-3-D and SCP-XXXX-3-C could be the same subject.

I think this is unnecessarily assumptive of the Foundation. I would suggest replacing "It is hypothesized" with "It is highly likely".

Memo From Site Director XXXX:

I suggest using a different format, like the one previously linked.

{{collapsible show="Interview Log: SCP-XXXX-3-C" hide="Interview Log: SCP-XXXX-3-C"]]

I believe this entire interview is extraneous and can be removed. It doesn't really add much to the story.

{{collapsible show="Interview Log: SCP-XXXX-3-C Age 15" hide="Interview Log: SCP-XXXX-3-C Age 15"]]

This interview is out of place. I assume that Ryan was kept for 8 years before finally being released? I fail to see what the Foundation would gain from keeping him that long. I understand that it was to match up with what OldRyan said about not remembering much before his 16th birthday, but all of that can be adjusted.

I also realize that he is being kept to try and protect future world from having to deal with the sudden appearance of YoungRyan, but I think that a simple "Subject was released into foster custody with a new identity and will be under observation until the anticipated time shift occurs." Or something like that.

{{collapsible show="Experiment Log:" hide="Experiment Log:"]]

I think that these logs can also be yeeted into the beyond. A simple memo would suffice to summarize the experiments, and give you an opportunity to put in more prose.

LBL complete. Overall thoughts incoming.

I think this is an excellent start. We have a good story, and with just a little cleanup it could be a good article. Just be careful not to overload on the experiment logs and endless interviews. Think to yourself if it is REALLY necessary and the data given is worth the space it holds and the time it takes to read.

I hope this helps.

Last edited on 09 Jan 2020 15:01 by MalyceGraves Show more

Re: Bubblewrap SCP

torcsandantlers 17 Jan 2020 23:55

Thanks!

I know I said a few of these things in IRC, but I'll sum up here:

• That picture was actually one of a few I was considering, so I went with it
• "retrocausal" was exactly the term I needed, and it really helped me get the tone down.
• "plastic hemispheres" > You have no idea how many times I had this phrase in there when I was drafting this and then removed it. I took this as validation and put it back in.
• I agree almost completely with all of your tone critiques and made most of the suggested changes.
• Formatting suggestions are noted, and I incorporated them. I still need to give it a little more work, but I think it's much better now.
• I cut some of the interviews and experiment logs were duly yeeted.
• I agree with the change for younger Ryan. I wasn't getting that much out of having him in containment for an extended amount of time, so I cut that bit.
• I also rearranged a little bit to give it a (I think) better flow.

I think I hit all of the important bits.

Thank you a ton for the encouragement and the critique! I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out! I hope you're willing to give my draft another look-see!

Re: Bubblewrap SCP

Simartar 10 Jan 2020 03:50

Alright, let's take a look at this —

+ SPaG/Phrasing

Malyce already pointed a few out in their crit, but these are the ones that stuck out to me:

the field of temporal effects it produces upon activation (SPC-XXXX-2),

• -> SCP-XXXX-2, unless there's some unpunched sharks around.

the object is returned its original position

SCP-XXXX-3-C: Yeah

• Missing period.

all future versions are so well preserved

• The tone feels a little off here, probably due to using "so".

• Within the description, the first five or so paragraphs all start with SCP-XXXX-X… — which isn't necessarily wrong, but repetitive sentence structure can make it less engaging to read.

+ Overall thoughts

My main issue with the article is that there's no place where there's any build up of suspense or tension — the narrative itself is interesting, but it's presented in a way where some effort needs to be put in to keep reading it to the end since it sort of just… happens.

Additionally, the final testing log feels a bit out of place, since it comes in right after the part centering around the Johnsons. If I'm interpreting it correctly, it's part of the "Foundation finding out properties through actual testing" aspect mentioned in the concept pitch — which is a solid idea, but doesn't mesh too well where it is because it's disrupting the flow of the piece. Might help to move it earlier in the article (before introducing the main characters).

Overall it's a solid start, just some places to fix up so the narrative can shine through. As always, I'd be happy to take another look over the draft once you've made some changes.

Last edited on 10 Jan 2020 03:53 by Simartar Show more

Re: Bubblewrap SCP

torcsandantlers 18 Jan 2020 00:06

Thanks!

SPC

I must hang my head in shame.

I think I fixed the majority of the tone problems. And I changed up the structure of the first few paragraphs to get rid of the repetition.

I addressed this the lack of tension and the flow problems by cutting extraneous bits out and doing some rearranging. I hope it flows better now, and gets you a little more invested in the characters.

I think I was trying to use too many different ideas, and the article was suffering for it.

Thank you a ton for the encouragement and the critique! I really appreciate you taking the time to help me out! I hope you're willing to give my draft another look-see!

Re: Bubblewrap SCP

Simartar 21 Jan 2020 04:21

Just took another look, sorry I took so long.

Cutting the logs helps with flow, though I still feel like the article takes a bit for the ball to really get rolling — a lot of the first few paragraphs are predominantly explanations for how the skip works. After that, there's a couple more notes before the Johnsons thing really kicks off, and during that bit there's still not a whole lot to keep the reader engaged. I also found the containment procedures to be a tad long for the amount of relevance they'd later have in the skip.

As a quick formatting thing, it's more common to have the Description/Special Containment Procedures etc. type headings have their text start on the same line, though I'm not sure if it's a requirement.

Sorry I couldn't manage much of a line-by-line, just been pretty busy this week, though I'd still be happy to take another, deeper look at a revised draft.

Re: Bubblewrap SCP

MalyceGraves 21 Jan 2020 23:57

[Responding to a pm]

Heya! Glad to be reviewing this again.

Onwards ->

Afterwards, subjects should be amnesticized and kept sedated to prevent any information breaches.
For a list of SCP-XXXX-1 instances, reference document XXXX-1.doc.01.

This needs a line break to denote the new paragraph. Also, I'd make it just XXXX.doc.01

Approval from the Head Researcher or those granted Level 4 clearance is required to test hypothesized methods of quantifying and modeling the effects of SCP-XXXX.

I suggest Level 4/XXXX to be more specific in who can grant permission.

SCP-XXXX has only been observed to affect sapient subjects. Subjects affected by SCP-XXXX switch physical and temporal locations with a genetically identical version of themselves from 50 years into the future.

By noting that the subjects are genetically identical, it calls into question the veracity of the second part of your statement. I suggest removing "genetically identical".

- XXXX-1.doc.01

Same as above. The -1 is probably unnecessary.

Discovery:

You could probably move this to the top level and take it out of the collapsible. Discovery is usually assumed to be part of the primary article and not an addenda. It could do with some streamlining to make it more visually appealing, but I think that's a stylistic choice.

Mister Preston

This can be abbreviated to Mr. Preston. It is generally accepted that Mr. is an acceptable shortening of the full honorific, and has been adopted into standard transcription practice.

After consultation with containment specialists, we have determined no undue risk in the release of SPC-XXXX-3-C. This request is conditionally granted; SCP-XXXX-1-C may be released pending amnesticization. To encourage the subject’s cooperation with observation, a cover story that the subject is afflicted with a rare neurological disorder will be implemented. A new identity consistent with that provided by SCP-XXXX-1-D will be provided. And a contingency plan will be put into place for the subject's retrieval in the event that it becomes apparent that SCP-XXXX-1-C and SCP-XXXX-1-D are the same subject. Periodic reports of SCP-XXXX-1-C's health and mental state will be submitted to the lead researcher and containment specialist for SCP-XXXX.

I suggest breaking this up:

After consultation with containment specialists, we have determined no undue risk in the release of SPC-XXXX-3-C. As such, this request is conditionally granted; SCP-XXXX-1-C may be released pending amnesticization.

To encourage the subject’s cooperation with observation, a cover story that the subject is afflicted with a rare neurological disorder will be implemented.

A new identity consistent with that provided by SCP-XXXX-1-D will be provided. And a contingency plan will be put into place for the subject's retrieval in the event that it becomes apparent that SCP-XXXX-1-C and SCP-XXXX-1-D are the same subject.

Periodic reports of SCP-XXXX-1-C's health and mental state should be submitted to the lead researcher and containment specialist for SCP-XXXX.

I hope this helps!