Special Containment Procedures: SCP-#### is to be contained within a standard humanoid chamber at Site-19. To facilitate containment SCP-#### is to have SCP-####-1 and SCP-####-2 plugged in at all times. Contact with SCP-####-3 through -11 is be restricted to testing.
A few small SPaG issues: "Contact with SCP-####-3 through -11 is be restricted to testing." is missing a "to" between "is" and "be". There should be a comma after "containment" as well.
Visual view of access ports 1 through 4 is to be possible at all times. Due to good behavior of the subject, the subject is allowed to keep hair styled in a ponytail or other style of choice to allow a visual view. In the event of frequent insubordination, the subject is to be shaved bald.
Some clunky language here. "As a reward for cooperative behavior, the subject is allowed to keep a hairstyle that does not obstruct direct visual recognition of access ports 1-4. If subject becomes uncooperative, subject is to be shaved bald."
Due to the recently discovered side-effects of SCP-####-2, it is only to be used with the permission of at least two level-3 Senior Researchers.
"Due to recently discovered effects, SCP-XXXX-2 is only to be used with permission of at least two Level 3 Senior Research staff."
Coupled with this, the phrase 'Altijd onthouden, jouw naam is SCP-####. Je bent hier veilig.'1 should be written on every wall of the containment area. This prevents confusion when trying to address SCP-#### after a period without communication.
Why is it in Dutch? Can she not read English? Why does it need to be on every single wall? And why is it her SCP designation rather than her given name?
Description: SCP-#### is a 22 year old humanoid female of European descent. SCP-#### has four USB receptacle sockets located in its neck, two on either side (see 'Picture 1'). These sockets are designated as access ports 1 through 4, with port 1 and 2 located on the subject's left side and 3 and 4 on the subject's right side.
Unless her DNA is substantially different, she's human, not human"oid". I would get rid of the quotes around Picture 1 and rename is, like, SCP-XXXX-P1 or Image XXXX-A. "The ports on the left side are ports 1 and 2, and the right side 3 and 4."
X-ray and MRI scans have shown that these access ports are directly linked to the subject's hippocampus through connections resembling nerves with neuron transmitters.
Replace "through" with "via" and "neuron transmitters" with "neurotransmitters".
SCP-#### has been identified as Hester Lambert, born without any anomalous properties in Antwerp, Belgium. In 2015 SCP-#### was sent to a boarding school by its parents, where it excelled in most academical subjects. When SCP-#### didn't return home when it was supposed to during the winter holidays, it was declared missing.
I feel like the background of her education is unnecessary unless it actually ties into how she became involved with SCP-XXXX. I also feel like referring to her as "it" in the time before she was involved seems a bit off? Also "academical" should be "academic".
19 months later, on the 17th of July 2017, the subject was found roaming the streets by local law enforcement in its current condition and through this came into possession of the Foundation.
I would almost just condense this with the previous paragraph into: "SCP-XXXX was discovered on July 17th, 2017, 19 months after Hester Lambert of Antwerp, Belgium did not return from boarding school and was declared missing." or something similar.
SCP-#### was discovered with two USB-drives already inserted into its access ports, designated SCP-####-1 and -2, along with several other drives in its possession, further designated SCP-####-3 through -10. These drives contain a small LCD-screen that states the content of the drive.
Get rid of the hyphen in "LCD-screen". And I would get rid of "further" as well.
When inserted into a conventional USB-port on a regular computer these drives show an empty folder with no visible contents.
I would, as an IT nerd, recommend changing this to "Computers do not recognize and of the drives as readable, and data forensics methods have returned no results." This shows they did more than just try to plug them in to a PC to get to whatever data might be on there.
THE TABLE
"earth" should be capitalized when it is used to refer to the planet/world.
I would change the column title "Labeling" to "Label", and capitalize "designation" and "effects". In the first two, replace "Explained in detail below" with "See Addendum [insert addendum title].
Get rid of "most natural sciences" and just say "biology, physics, and chemistry". Perhaps give something more specific than "extensive knowledge"? What education or profession level is it equal to?
"Any known language". Does this include dead languages like Latin? Maybe say "speak and understand any living human language."
Why only as far bas as 100 BCE? Recorded human history goes back around 3000 BCE.
How does the content of Drive #6 confirm that the Maxwellists were involved in the creation? For all The Foundation knows, they just made the drives.
In #7, "text" should be capitalized. There should be a comma after "inserted".
"When inserted, SCP-#### has a volatile reaction and attempts to remove the drive as soon as possible. It is believed the traumatic memories of the procedure the subject underwent are stored on this drive. Subject does not react to any stimuli when this drive is inserted."
I feel like assuming that the memories of the procedure specifically is a bit of a stretch to assume. How do they know it's not just really awful images or other bad memories from her past?
I would phrase #8 as "SCP-#### gains the ability to execute advanced hand to hand combat maneuvers and operate most modern weapons designed for a single operator."
What is a "single-player sport"? All sports are competitions. Do you mean individual participation sports like golf, bowling, shot put, etc.? And did they not test team sports or does it not make her any better at them?
For #10, " SCP-#### gains the ability to professionally act any script it is given on within 30 minutes of receiving it." What if the script takes longer than 30 minutes to read, like Citizen Kane?
SCP-####-1 is labeled as 'GENERAL LIFE'. When inserted into an access port, SCP-XXXX gains the motor skills expected of an average human of its age. Without SCP-####-1 inserted, it has the mental capacity and motor skills of an average two year old human child. Upon removal of this drive, SCP-#### will retain regular motor function for approximately 25 seconds before rapidly reverting to this base state.
- With SCP-####-1 inserted, SCP-#### is able to speak its native language Dutch, which is used as the primary language for conversation with SCP-####.
This whole bit feels oddly written. Perhaps something like:
"When SCP-XXXX-1, labeled "GENERAL LIFE", is inserted into an access port, SCP-XXXX gains the mental capacity and motor skills expected of a human of its age. Without this drive inserted, these revert to that of a two year old human. SCP-XXXX will retain the advanced motor skills for approximately 25 seconds after the drive is removed. The drive also grants the ability to comprehend SCP-XXXX's native language of Dutch."
SCP-####-2 is labeled as 'HESTER' and contains all memories of SCP-####. The earliest memories start when the subject was three years old, these have the same level of detail as the latest stored memories. The only gap in memory is the period ranging from just before its disappearance to when it was found on the streets in its current condition.
- Without SCP-####-2 inserted, the subject only recalls events and questions within the last 5 hours. If the drive is inserted within this timeframe, the new memories will be stored onto it.
- New memories made by SCP-#### are stored on SCP-####-2 with the same detail as previous memories with no effects on previously stored memories. see 'addendum ####-B'
Some more awkward language here. I would perhaps write it as: "SCP-XXXX-2, labeled "HESTER," appears to contain memories of SCP-XXXX's life. The earliest memory is from 3 years of age and shows no signs of standard biological memory degradation. The only memories not present are during the period between when the subject went missing and when it was discovered by The Foundation. Without SCP-XXXX-2 inserted, the subject is only able to operate on a 5-hour short-term memory. Any memories within the last 5 hours will be stored on SCP-XXXX-2 when it is re-inserted. New memories are stored with perfect clarity and do not have any effect on memories already stored on the drive."
I am very sorry but today has been really intense for me and I lack the mental capacity to give a good crit for the test logs and interview right now. I will get to them tomorrow. Take this as a good sign - I like this enough that I feel it deserves my full mental ability in a critique.
Overall, I see a bit of a problem of confusing clinical tone with obtuse language - many parts are explained with far more words than are necessary.
Thank you for your Crit, I've made most of the changes you recommended so far. If possible could you do a quick re-read of the first part to see if you agree?
To answer a couple of your questions:
Why is it in Dutch? Can she not read English? Why does it need to be on every single wall? And why is it her SCP designation rather than her given name?
I wanted to pick something different than English al the time, and in her 'neutral' state with only -1 inserted she only speaks/reads her original language.
I had it be the SCP designation because, as far as I know, the Foundation likes to use those instead of names.
Unless her DNA is substantially different, she's human, not human"oid". I would get rid of the quotes around Picture 1 and rename is, like, SCP-XXXX-P1 or Image XXXX-A. "The ports on the left side are ports 1 and 2, and the right side 3 and 4."
I think I read somewhere that every SCP is not considered fully "human" but that could be wrong.
I feel like the background of her education is unnecessary unless it actually ties into how she became involved with SCP-XXXX. I also feel like referring to her as "it" in the time before she was involved seems a bit off?
I've trimmed it a bit, and fair enough
Why only as far bas as 100 BCE? Recorded human history goes back around 3000 BCE.
With that I wanted to kind of foreshadow the 'drives have limited space' part, hence it's not all of human history and later (in the logs you haven't read yet) she forgets parts of it
How does the content of Drive #6 confirm that the Maxwellists were involved in the creation? For all The Foundation knows, they just made the drives.
As far as I know, 'technology-to-brain' shenanigans is right up their alley, and given that she recites most of their 'bible' with this drive, it seems a logical conlusion for the Foundation to make, to me at least.
I feel like assuming that the memories of the procedure specifically is a bit of a stretch to assume. How do they know it's not just really awful images or other bad memories from her past?
Maybe I could add a part where she protests verbally that give more of a hint about what happened during the traumatic events (I have tried that now, does it fit?). Also, I think it's assumed because the procedure is the only part of her history she can't remember in any way.
What is a "single-player sport"? All sports are competitions. Do you mean individual participation sports like golf, bowling, shot put, etc.? And did they not test team sports or does it not make her any better at them?
Yeah I mean individual participation. And should I maybe make it 'olympic athlete level'? Team sports she's just average in for her age (not any better)
What if the script takes longer than 30 minutes to read, like Citizen Kane?
I think it would be like she can sort of skim through it all and take the entire thing in like that. Or does that not make sense?
Once again many thanks for taking the time to read it and for your extensive crit.
P.s. are the pictures believable enough?
E: Changed according to crit
A few of my questions were answered later in the article and I neglected to go back and change them.
As far as I know, 'technology-to-brain' shenanigans is right up their alley, and given that she recites most of their 'bible' with this drive, it seems a logical conclusion for the Foundation to make, to me at least.
Maybe change "confirms" to "…has the led Foundation to conclude that…" or something similar. Something less "We are 100% certain this is what happened" and more "We're confident enough to say this is what happened".
I think it would be like she can sort of skim through it all and take the entire thing in like that. Or does that not make sense?
The ability to act and the ability to absorb written information at an extreme rate are not really connected. Maybe just "subject can memorize text written in a stage or screenplay format in one reading with zero errors and can perform any role at the level of a professional actor" or something similar.
Maybe I could add a part where she protests verbally that give more of a hint about what happened during the traumatic events (I have tried that now, does it fit?). Also, I think it's assumed because the procedure is the only part of her history she can't remember in any way.
That would definitely make it more stable. Remember that The Foundation is a scientific group - they are often hesitant to make assumptions and it must be explicitly stated that something is an assumption based on available evidence.
P.s. are the pictures believable enough?
Yes, you did a good job!
I would get rid of the quotation marks around all the items in the table. Just SCP-####-A, HESTER, etc are fine as items in a table. Also get rid of the text in brackets after *addendum ####-A and -B. You have shown in the table that these addenda are explaining what these two drives do, so denoting that these are explanations of what these drives do is unnecessary.
Firstly, I recommend putting these under a collapsible labeled "Test Logs" and maybe even do some fancy table formatting with each test under its own tab. I love formatting stuff though so take that with probably an entire salt lick.
Test ####-04 - 20/10/2017
Subject: SCP-####
Procedure: the expansion of SCP-####-5 was attempted.
Results: When asked who the current president of the USA was, SCP-#### kept continually answering 'Barack Obama', even when reminded that the current year was 2017, and Obama's run in office ended in earlier in the year.
SCP-#### had SCP-####-5 reinserted and was asked several questions to confirm that the integration of this new information was a success.
Analysis: It was discovered that the flash drives can be updated with new information Additionally, researchers found that SCP-#### was no longer able to recall the birthdate of Julius Caesar2, which was previously established as the earliest historical moment SCP-#### was able to remember. Researchers took note of a possible capacity limit of flash drives.
Why is this test #4? What were tests 1-3? If they were omitted for a reason, please include it. A bit of issue with tone and language here. I would write it as: I also find the definitions of "Procedure" and "Results" questionable. Also, remember to put a space after the ">" on blank lines to actually put a space there. I would write it something like this:
Test ####-5T 20/10/2017
Subject: SCP-####
Goal: Attempted expansion of SCP-####-5
Preceding Event: When asked who the sitting President of the United States is, SCP-#### repeatedly stated 'Barack Obama', even when reminded that Obama's presidency ended in early 2017.
Procedure: SCP-####-5 was inserted in a computer disconnected from any communication functions and containing only a summary of historical events and geographical discoveries between 2015 and 2017. Files were unable to be located within the system's data after removal of SCP-####-5. -5 was then reinserted and SCP-####was asked several questions to confirm that the integration of this new information was a success.
Analysis: Drives are able to obtain new information when connected to a functioning computer terminal. Additionally, when interviewed, SCP-#### was no longer able to recall the birth date of Julius Caesar3, which was previously established as the earliest historical moment SCP-#### was able to remember. This led researchers to theorize that the drives have a limited capacity, and the oldest memorized events are erased to accommodate new data.
Test ####-11 - 16/01/2018
Subject: SCP-####
Procedure: Testing the making of a new drive
Test part 1
Results: Researchers inserted an empty flash drive (with LCD screen) into SCP-####. This drive was inserted in a computer containing falsified information about on-site staff members and on-site D-class.
Analysis: SCP-#### was able to respond to any question about the information given to it on the drive.
Test part 2
Results: Previous information was overwritten with real information about on-site D-class. SCP-#### responded to questions asked about this with the newly given information.
Analysis: Information that cannot be fact-checked can be falsified.
Same question as about about the test number. Still some misuse of "Procedure" and "Analysis".
Test ####-NEW 16/01/2018
Subject: SCP-####
Goal: To ascertain SCP-####'s ability to read data on a new drive.
Part 1
Procedure: Researchers inserted an empty flash drive with LCD screen into SCP-####. This drive was then inserted in a computer containing falsified information about on-site staff members and D-class, the reinserted into SCP-####.
Results: SCP-#### responded to questions pertaining to site personnel and D-Class with the falsified information on the drive.Part 2
Procedure: Previous information on the drive was overwritten with accurate information about on-site D-class. Drive was then reinserted into SCP-####.
Results: SCP-#### responded to questions pertaining to on-site personnel and D-Class with the accurate information on the drive.
Analysis: SCP-#### has no inherent ability to fact-check information on drives it is given.
Test ####-23 - 04/06/2019
Subject: SCP-####
Procedure: possibility to implant false information into the knowledge of SCP-####.
Results: In this experiment SCP-#### had SCP-####-3 inserted and was asked the definitions of several SI base units. Subject responded with the established definitions before the 2019 redefinition.
After this, SCP-####-3 was inserted into a computer, this time containing falsified, mathematically incorrect information about the redefinition of these SI base units. SCP-####-3 was then re-inserted into the subject. However, when asked the same question as before it responded with the old definition.
The test was repeated with files about the correct definitions established on 20/05/2019, leading to an updated answer from SCP-####.
Analysis: Researchers believe that SCP-####-1 through -€ have some sort of built-in 'fact-checking' to see if newly acquired information is possible and correct.
Once again, why the test number? This is very common with first-time writers, it is a method to make it look like The Foundation has done all this work. If they have, there needs to be a reason that work was not documented. Also what drive is "-€"? Was that a typo? It is not on American keyboards so I do not know what number that is meant to be.
Test ####-3T 04/06/2019
Subject: SCP-####
Goal: To test the ability to replace data on one SCP-####'s original drives with incorrect data.
Part 1
Procedure: SCP-####-3 was inserted and SCP-### was asked the definitions of several SI base units. Subject responded with the established definitions before the 2019 redefinition. SCP-####-3 was then inserted into a computer containing falsified, mathematically incorrect information about the redefinition of these SI base units. SCP-####-3 was then re-inserted and the subject asked the same questions.
Results: Subject responded with the pre-2019 definitions of the SI units.
Part 2
Procedure: Information on SCP-####-3 was updated with the post-redefinition information on the SI units and re-inserted into SCP-####. Subject asked to define the units.
Results: Subject replied with the correct, post-redefinition definitions.
Analysis: Researchers theorize that SCP-####-1 through -€ have an inherent ability to verify the validity of newly acquired information.
Were any SI base units actually redefined in 2019?
In the interest of saving space and time (not like that), I am just going to recommend suggestions to lines I have issues with in brackets and use strikethroughs to indicate unnecessary words/phrases:
Addendum ####-D: [New information regarding SCP-####-2]
Interview log ####-1
Interviewed: [SCP-####]
Interviewer: [Dr. S. Allard ] [Get rid of the brackets around their names]Foreword: Interview conducted on 23/01/2016 shortly after SCP-#### was taken into Foundation custody. This interview was originally conducted in Dutch, the subject's native language, and has been translated for ease of usage. Subject currently has SCP-####-1 and -2 inserted into ports 2 and 3.
[Begin Log]
[Dr. Allard enters the interrogation room and takes a seat opposite SCP-####, who is already waiting at the table situated in the room. Subject, currently still equipped with SCP-####-1 and -2 inserted into access ports 2 and 3 respectively, is visibly confused and looks around the room.]
Dr. Allard: So ####, do you know who you are? [What is your name? Do you know your name?]
SCP-####: What? Yeah, of course, my name is Hester Lambert. But where am I? am I in trouble for something? I don't really remember how I got here. [Capitalize "am"]
Dr. Allard: I'm a researcher with the Foundation, we will be taking care of you from now on. [Why does she need to know this?]
SCP-####: Foundation? what Foundation? what do you mean take care of me? [Capitalize "what"]
Dr. Allard: You will remain in our custody from now on, do you have any idea what these are?
[Dr. Allard lays out SCP-####-3 through -10 on the table.]
SCP-####:What are these? why do they have words on them?Dr. Allard: We found these in your possession when we retrieved you. You have two inserted behind your ear, why is that? [In the photo they are on her neck, not behind her ear]
SCP-####: Wait what? What are these? Why are they there?[SCP-#### removes drives from access ports, immediately seems confused where it is.] [Is she not restrained? II feel like she would be if they have no idea what she can do.]
SCP-####: Who are you? Where am I?Dr. Allard: What? We just went over this. [Too casual for a doctor]
[SCP-#### suddenly fails to support itself and starts vocalising nonsense words] ["nonsense words" is not scientific.]
Dr. Allard: Wait what? insert those two back in. [Too casual]
[The two removed drives are inserted into the access ports again by security personel]
SCP-####: Why are they there?
Dr. Allard: Stop! don't remove those!
SCP-####: What why?
Dr. Allard: Those seem to be your memory, do you know what happened to you before we found you? I want you to tell me all you can remember.
SCP-####: I was going home from boarding school for the holidays, I went to the station and then… Uhm… I was at the police station.
Dr. Allard: You don't remember anything in between?
SCP-####: No, but everything else I remember clearly.
Dr. Allard: What's the earliest thing you can remember about yourself?
SCP-####: I'm about three years old, and I'm playing with my grandma at her house.
Dr. Allard: okay we'll keep it at that for today, you'll be escorted to your containment chamber now. [cell, not chamber]
<End Log, SCP-#### was escorted to its chamber with surveillance and instructions to keep SCP-####-1 and -2 plugged in> [containment cell, not chamber]
Closing Statement: After this interview the functionality of drives -3 through -10 were revealed and studied over several tests.
Overall you are missing a lot of capitalization at the beginning of sentences and the dialogue feels unnatural as a whole. This needs the most work out of the whole article. You also don't need [] brackets around the italic text, it is generally accepted that italics mean actions in interview logs when presented as you have them. The interview feels rushed overall and the Doctor's tone is waaayyy too casual.
Remember to put a space after the ">" to have an actual line break on blank lines.
I like this a lot. It feels like the concept from The Matrix of just "uploading" information into someone's brain, but on a much smaller scale. I can see why it got greenlit and you have clearly put in a LOT of work. However, you run into a lot of issues with clinical tone and language. If you haven't already, I recommend reading Clinical Tone: Declassified. It's a fantastic guide on writing in a clinical tone without using obfuscating language.
Your test logs needed a bit of work as far as the test names/numbers and consistency in formatting, as well as what constitutes a procedure, result, and analysis.
You also need to work on your dialogue, it feels very forced and unnatural. I recommend reading it aloud (have a friend read one role if they're willing to help, and switch off with them). That has been incredibly helpful in helping me write dialogue in the past.
I hope that my critique will help you refine this, I see this as doing well on the site with some refinement and maybe a bit more delving into the story behind the Maxwellists and their involvement in creating an anomaly like this.
Maybe change "confirms" to "…has the led Foundation to conclude that…" or something similar. Something less "We are 100% certain this is what happened" and more "We're confident enough to say this is what happened".
The ability to act and the ability to absorb written information at an extreme rate are not really connected. Maybe just "subject can memorize text written in a stage or screenplay format in one reading with zero errors and can perform any role at the level of a professional actor" or something similar.
That would definitely make it more stable. Remember that The Foundation is a scientific group - they are often hesitant to make assumptions and it must be explicitly stated that something is an assumption based on available evidence.
Will do, Thanks for the advice
Why is this test #4? What were tests 1-3?
It is as you said, just to make it seem like more tests were done, but that's indeed a noob mistake.
Also what drive is "-€"? Was that a typo?
That is indeed a typo, I used the € symbol as a placeholder while drafting until I had the final number of drives I was happy with.
Were any SI base units actually redefined in 2019?
Yes, the kilogram (among others I believe) was finally redefined as something that is usable anywhere in the galaxy, not just based on a piece of metal somewhere. Wikipedia link Here if you're interested.
Overall you are missing a lot of capitalization at the beginning of sentences and the dialogue feels unnatural as a whole. This needs the most work out of the whole article. You also don't need [] brackets around the italic text, it is generally accepted that italics mean actions in interview logs when presented as you have them. The interview feels rushed overall and the Doctor's tone is waaayyy too casual.
Yeah I was expecting that. To be honest, the interview was indeed rushed, partly because I have never written one before, and partly because I had been working on-and-off on this for months and wanted some feedback to help me move along.
Somewhere in the near future (after college exams) I'll find some time to re-write the test logs and the interview and put more effort into it.
I once again thank you for your excellent crit and your kind words. It really has motivated me to finish this.
I'll try to work on the issues and shortcomings you mentioned over the next days/weeks (when I have the time). I'll let you know when I'm finished with it if you want.
Feel free to PM me when you have made the changes. I am excited to see where this can go.
I have updated my draft since last time. I added the last two interviews and implemented criticism given by Doctor Fullham.
Criticism on this current version is greatly appreciated, and I thank you in advance.
EDIT: Calibri Bold has suggested to me in chat to expand the ending more to give some closure, I will try to implement that after I get some extra reviews. Just wanted to let other possible reviewers know.
And Cerastes pointed out that the Foundation is unnessesarily cruel with some of the procedures, which I will also change.
{placeholder for crit will place within 36 hours)
Edit: I left crit on the wrong idea without knowing I'm sorry for anything I may have caused I will be more careful next time and re-read and leave real crit very soon.
again I'm sorry for not paying close enough attention.
First, on your second interview log it Dr. Allard greets SCP-#### and the SCP does a normal greeting instead of acknowledging the greeting. in my personal opinion possible instead of having "Hello doctor, let's get started." Possibly SCP-#### can acknowledge the greeting and reply with. "Yes let's start this I want to find out what is going on." or even possibly. "I understand lets hurry then." You said that your main concern was dialogue believability. slightly changing this part of the dialogue will help slightly with making your dialogue better.
Second, your test for ####-NEW contradicts its self. you put that the Researchers updated information on class D personnel. nothing about Foundation Staff. "Procedure: Previous information was overwritten with accurate information about on-site D-class. Drive was then reinserted into SCP-####." If your going to make it know about Onsite personnel include it into the test. also, why would you want an SCP to know about onsite personnel? This seems redundant because one of the main ways to keep an SCP contained is to make sure it knows little to nothing about where it is, who is working/Studying it, any other research or information about onsite personnel. if the Site was to be discovered and raided by any GOI, They would have most of the information about onsite personnel and could quickly dispose of them.
[Noting a PM request to take a look.]
Oh hey! I'm done now!
Hm. I'm really not sure how I feel about this. I think the actual concept you have, and the themes you're playing with, are definitely interesting; but I don't think you quite explore her slowly losing her memories over time in a way that's very interesting? It ends up being very, matter of fact, and like, yeah she gets kinda annoyed but it feels…a little too emotionally detached and rushed? There doesn't quite feel like there's enough emotional resolution to this thread for it to work: she's angry because she's losing her memories but she forgets that constantly so it's kinda…whatever?
It kinda feels like it doesn't quite have enough time to really create an emotional arc where she like, grows and learns to accept her position or anything?
There's a kinda clunkiness to the dialogue, particularly in the last interview, that makes it kinda hard to get through? I think it's because everyone speaks super formally but also Dr. Allard and the SCP both feel…very similar? Allard tends to be quite…rigid too and really lacks any kind of warmth, and this isn't inherently bad but it needs to be contrasted with something to be effective and the SCP is…bland too? I'd really consider what their personalities are like and how they grow as characters: perhaps having the SCP start of kinda robotic and formal sounding, and Allard be warm and informal, and the SCP kinda, copying her a little would help?
The test logs feel…somewhat unncessary too? Like, I can't help but feel like you could just say that the tapes can store limited information, and so convey the logs in a much more concise way. The way they're labelled is a little weird too: going from XXXX-5T to XXXX-NEW to XXXX-3T feels weirdly inconsistent in the titling.
Gonna note that I can miss stuff; flag things which are right as being wrong and indeed flag things which are deliberately wrong.
I'll likely use strikethrough to indicate stuff to remove and blue text to indicate stuff to add.
As a reward for cooperative behavior, the subject is allowed to keep a hairstyle that does not obstruct direct visual recognition of access ports 1-4. if subject becomes uncooperative, subject is to be shaved bald.
This feels….weirdly cruel? Oh also you're missing the capital at the start of the second sentence.
Due to the recently discovered effects of SCP-####-2 is only to be used with the permission of at least two level-3 Senior Research staff.
You're missing some words around the "SCP-####-2" here: either you need to indicate a second object or have e.g, a comma followed by "it".
Coupled with this, the phrase 'Altijd onthouden, jouw naam is SCP-####. Je bent hier veilig.' should be written on every wall of the containment area. This prevents confusion when trying to address SCP-#### after a period without communication.
Minor: this is one a new line but there's no empty line between it and the paragraph before: either commit to having this as a paragraph alone, or move it properly into the one before.
More major: the second sentence feels like it should be more explicit that the confusion is with the SCP not recognising who SCP-#### is. "Coupled with this" also feels a little weird cos it doesn't quite feel like a related thing to the previous thing so much as an additional, unrelated property.
SCP-each side (see SCP-####-P1).
Hm. This is perhaps needlessly pedantic but I feel like it should specify the kind of usb socket here? In this case, USB A.
X-ray and MRI scans have shown that these access ports are directly linked to the subject's hippocampus via connections resembling nerves with neurotransmitters.
This is another sentence where you've kinda, half put it in a new paragraph and half haven't.
I'm not necessarily a fan of 'resembling' here, it kinda feels like there should be some kind of note as to how they're different from nerves? But it's your call.
SCP-officers.
This feels perhaps a little too brief? Like, she doesn't seem like she'd necessarily be visibly anomalous, so it feels like it needs a little more to just indicate why the LEO's approached her and why the Foundation ended up taking custody of her?
It feels a little weird that the holiday break is in 'late 2015' and not like, over the christmas period?
Computers do not recognize any of the drives as readable, and data forensics methods have returned no results.
Another partial paragraph
'addendum ####-A'
Addendum should be capitalised here; and also in the next table entry.
Gives knowledge equal to a PhD in mathematics, physics, chemistry, biology and economics.
This isn't how PhDs work. A PhD is a very narrow degree, whereas the phrasing here implies a much broader knowledge of advanced topics: I would suggest perhaps either using the lower "Gives knowledge equivalent to a Masters" or "Gives PhD level knowledge of…".
Also I feel like perhaps "Contains" would work better here maybe? Or perhaps "Grants SCP-XXXX knowledge equivalent to…"
Gives extensive knowledge of the geography of Earth and recorded human history between the years 100 BCE up until the yearand 2015CE.
If you're gonna use "between", you have to use a date range; you could alternatively switch 'between the years' to 'from the year'. Specifying you mean 2015CE is necessary here imo because arguably it could be 2015BCE.
This drive has led Foundation personel to conclude that SCP-#### possibly came to be after an experiment by the Maxwellists from the Church of the Broken God.
I feel like a more concise phrasing like "This drive has led the Foundation to conclude that SCP-#### was possibly created by Maxwellists from the Church of the Broken God." would work better. I think perhaps the "Church of the Broken God" can be assumed too and doesn't need specifying? Especially if there's a link to a gospel?
has a volatile reaction
this feels like a weird way to describe the reaction: it makes sense kinda for chemistry but not really for people? Perhaps "aggressive" would work better?
as possible. because the subject begins to vocalise sounds of struggle and resistance, it is believed the traumatic memories of the procedure the subject underwent are stored on this drive.
Missing capital. Hm. It feels a little clunky to start this sentence with a because?
Also it kinda feels to me like the conclusions being reached a bit of a reach here? Like it's obviously something deeply unpleasant on the drive but it feels…like it'd really need something more to conclude that this is the cause?
SCP-at Olympic athlete level in every individual participation sport.
The second part here isn't how sports work and I feel like perhaps you want to focus more on e.g, games or something: like maybe this allows you to be a chess grandmaster instead.
Gives SCP-to memorize text written in a stage or screenplay format in one reading with zerono errors and act it out on par with professional-level actors/actresses after reading.
This feels weird because it doesn't quite thematically fit with what the drives generally do: it feels like it should really include idk some kind of big database of plays and scripts, and a deep understanding of all of them and theatrical techniques and stuff?
[Explanation of the effects SCP-####-1]
This change is necessary in Addendum B too.
The memories not present are duringfrom the period between when the subject went missing and when it was discovered by The Foundation.
see 'addendum ####-D'
This is kinda tacked on at the end awkwardly?
SCP-####-5 was inserted in a computer disconnected from any communication functions containing a recap of historical events and geographical discoveries between 2015 and 2017.
This feels weird like, I think you really want to imply there's some kind of… manual data transfer of this information rather than it just, ripping all the information from the computer?
Footnote 2: Believed to be born somewhere in July in 100 BCE
'sometime' would be more correct than 'somewhere' here but it feels unncessary.
Additionally, the LCD screen now displays the words 'STAFF INFO'.
This implies the drive can somehow figure out what information is being stored on it?
Test part 2
I'd be consistent as to whether the title is "Part 1" or "Test Part 1": this is the only one where you explicitly include 'test' and I would suggest cutting it because it's implied.
Researchers believe that drives created by SCP-#### have an inherent ability to verify the validity of newly acquired information.
The previous test shows this isn't the case? I think you're making a distinction between "the SCP can't validate the data" and "the drive can't validate the data" but I really don't see why the distinction exists or how the results of these two tests show it does?
Subject is detained to its chair with restricted movement of arms and legs as Dr. Allard enters.
'detained' is not the right word for here: I think perhaps "restricted" would work better, though it'd be repetitive with the 'restricted movement of arms and legs': perhaps cutting that would be a good idea too?
why you were found roaming the streets in your condition?
This is the first mention of the SCP having a 'condition'
why do they have words on them?
missing capital; also it feels like she'd be able to piece together that the words are labels?
Remove thosethem please.
'them' is more grammatically correct but it feels like he should be more verbally specific so you don't need to use an italics note to indicate what Allard means.
I don't remember how it got li-.
you don't need a full stop if you're using a - to indicate she got cut off.
starts vocalizing incoherent speech
I feel like "starts vocalizing incoherently" or "starts speaking incoherently" would be the way to go rather than having both speech and vocalizing.
What Day was it?
Day doesn't need to be capitalised here.
including days where nothing notable happens?
missing capital at the start of a sentence
Yes, I think so.
okayOkay we'll keep it at that for today, we will continue tests onat a later date.
revealed over several tests as mentioned above.
I would specify where it was mentioned rather than a general 'above'. Or just mention that they were studied becuase we've already seen this.
Dr. Ramona Allard
You missed the opportunity to give them a name beginning with M so they can be Dr. M. Allard this was a duck joke sorry
Hello doctor, let's get started.
This feels like a weird response?
**<End Log,
You're missing the ** at the end of this. And also the >.
SCP-#### was escorted to its cell under surveillance and restrained to its bed to prevent aggression and self-harm.
This feels super excessive
I think the actual concept you have, and the themes you're playing with, are definitely interesting; but I don't think you quite explore her slowly losing her memories over time in a way that's very interesting? It ends up being very, matter of fact, and like, yeah she gets kinda annoyed but it feels…a little too emotionally detached and rushed? There doesn't quite feel like there's enough emotional resolution to this thread for it to work: she's angry because she's losing her memories but she forgets that constantly so it's kinda…whatever?
It kinda feels like it doesn't quite have enough time to really create an emotional arc where she like, grows and learns to accept her position or anything?
This is something Calibri Bold also mentioned, mainly the fact that it wraps up quickly. So I will be working on expanding it and making it more of an emotional arc with a better resolution.
There's a kinda clunkiness to the dialogue, particularly in the last interview, that makes it kinda hard to get through? I think it's because everyone speaks super formally but also Dr. Allard and the SCP both feel…very similar?…
Dialogue has never been my strong suit (it's the first time I write any kind of fictional dialogue tbh) so I'm also definitely going to work on those parts, thanks for the advice.
The test logs feel…somewhat unncessary too? Like, I can't help but feel like you could just say that the tapes can store limited information, and so convey the logs in a much more concise way. The way they're labelled is a little weird too: going from XXXX-5T to XXXX-NEW to XXXX-3T feels weirdly inconsistent in the titling.
I wanted to include the logs to make it seem like the Foundation did some testing and not just assumed these things. I could try to shorten them a bit though. I'll also think of renaming them.
(I'm not going to go over everything, just places I wanted to explain somethings. Thank you for all the corrections you made)
This feels….weirdly cruel?
This (among others you also mentioned) was one of the things Cerastes pointed out as unnecessary so I will scrap / change where needed.
Hm. This is perhaps needlessly pedantic but I feel like it should specify the kind of usb socket here? In this case, USB A.
I wanted to include that in one of my first drafts but ultimately scrapped it, but maybe I'll put it back in.
This feels perhaps a little too brief? Like, she doesn't seem like she'd necessarily be visibly anomalous, so it feels like it needs a little more to just indicate why the LEO's approached her and why the Foundation ended up taking custody of her?
In my head she was discovered as she was stumbling around confused on the streets, still recovering from the procedure. and upon noticing the USB drives in her neck she was brought to the Foundation. Should I mention this in more detail?
Also I feel like perhaps "Contains" would work better here maybe? Or perhaps "Grants SCP-XXXX knowledge equivalent to…"
this feels like a weird way to describe the reaction: it makes sense kinda for chemistry but not really for people? Perhaps "aggressive" would work better?
These (and other weirdly worded parts you mentioned) I'm going to blame on English not being my first language. Translated literally in Dutch these make more sense to me, so it's not always easy for me to use the most correct word. Thanks for pointing them out.
Also it kinda feels to me like the conclusions being reached a bit of a reach here? Like it's obviously something deeply unpleasant on the drive but it feels…like it'd really need something more to conclude that this is the cause?
I think the fact that the time of the procedure is the only part she can't remember also plays a role in it being linked. Should I mention this explicitly? I felt like it being implied was enough.
This feels weird like, I think you really want to imply there's some kind of… manual data transfer of this information rather than it just, ripping all the information from the computer?
That would indeed work better.
This implies the drive can somehow figure out what information is being stored on it?
I'm going to change it so that was the title of the document
The previous test shows this isn't the case? I think you're making a distinction between "the SCP can't validate the data" and "the drive can't validate the data" but I really don't see why the distinction exists or how the results of these two tests show it does?
With this, I wanted to imply that the drives can verify objectively false info (for example, implementing a document that states '2+2=15' would not cause it to overwrite '2+2=4') because it can check that. But things that it can't check itself (names for example) or things that are correct (such as a new correct definition) can be tampered with and overwritten if it gets new info.
Meaning that if they now insert the previous definitions of the SI units, they would be overwritten again.
This is the first mention of the SCP having a 'condition'
Something like 'state' or 'how you currently are' would be better. (Once again the ESL thing)
this was a duck joke sorry
Never apologize for hilarious jokes
Once again thank you for the critique, I'll implement the changes sometime in the future
I wanted to include the logs to make it seem like the Foundation did some testing and not just assumed these things. I could try to shorten them a bit though. I'll also think of renaming them.
Occasionally people use empty collapsibles to indicate e.g, there's logs but your current clearance level isn't high enough to access them like this (with modified text as necessary):
Really though, my issue is just that they don't feel very relevant?
In my head she was discovered as she was stumbling around confused on the streets, still recovering from the procedure. and upon noticing the USB drives in her neck she was brought to the Foundation. Should I mention this in more detail?
Yeah I'd briefly touch on this: like, even just a few words like "She was discovered wandering the stress, and appeared to be intoxicated" would help.
I think the fact that the time of the procedure is the only part she can't remember also plays a role in it being linked. Should I mention this explicitly? I felt like it being implied was enough.
From a readers perspective, it is implied enough? But from the Foundation in-universe perspective, it feels a little bit too uncertain for it to be so definitively stated?
With this, I wanted to imply that the drives can verify objectively false info (for example, implementing a document that states '2+2=15' would not cause it to overwrite '2+2=4') because it can check that. But things that it can't check itself (names for example) or things that are correct (such as a new correct definition) can be tampered with and overwritten if it gets new info.
I'm really not sure I get the distinction? Is it just that the Foundation names are secret so she can't easily just look it up on the internet (which isn't exactly how it'd work ofc but I just mean it analogously: the SI definition change is public knowledge and can be easily corrected; the names of Foundation employees is not and can't)? It might be better using a phrasing more hinting that way then?
Posting to indicate a second update was made to the draft. I have tried to implement as many of the critiques I got on the last version.
Also a massive thanks to Calibri Bold for giving me permission to use his character Dr. Cal Bold. after being told more lore/history about Dr. Bold, I've decided to replace him with someone else, since I wouldn't do the character justice
Critique of the draft is appreciated (found here or in the first post of this thread)
[Noting a request by the user from #thecritters, will update in 24 hrs]
Sorry for the delay, let's get to it.
The biggest issue with the story is how long and drawn out it is. Multiple elements of the story can be shortened or removed completely; otherwise the story ends up feeling way too draggy. For example, Addendum ####-A/B can just be placed inside the table, and achieve the same effect. Test 13 also doesn't really accomplish much, or provide any real significance to the story. The second interview also feels very jarring, and serves no real purposes other than too alert the audience that something isn't right>
Another major flaw is the dialogue and characterisation of the main characters. Dr. Allard is this cruel robotic doctor, who doesn't even feel like a researcher in the first place. Her dialogue is static and monotonous, so it's hard to even feel for her. Hester also feels very weak, and doesn't have any solid characterisation beside being a confused damsel in distress. Also Dr. Claes feels like this deux ex machina character, who mysteriously appears in the last interview, provides the miraculous solution, and manages to convince Allard with no real effort. I can't relate or bring myself to care for any of these characters because they don't seem like humans in the first place.
Also, I feel that the structure of your article makes it difficult to read. You placed similar formats together, so rather than having a variety to keep the story interesting, it's jumping from reports, to test, to interviews, and then concludes. A good way to change this is perhaps moving the first interview to an earlier part of the article, so you have some variety and flow.
Lastly, one theme I noticed throughout the interview logs is that the Foundation acts cruelly without reason. Remember this: the Foundation is cold, not cruel. They contain things yes, but not out of hate or spite, rather to prevent bad things from happening and understand an anomaly. It's like meeting a new person: do you immediately hate them upon meeting them?
Contact with SCP-####-3 through -11 is to be restricted to during testing.
Grammar
should be written on every wall of the containment area, as this facilitates communication with SCP-####. Access to R-#### should be available at all times.
Weird phrasing, takes a while to actually understand.
SCP-#### is a currently 22 year old humanoid female of European descent.
'Currently' indicates that the anomaly had some previous form.
located in on its neck, with two on either side
Grammar
The ports on the left side are ports 1 and 2, and the right side 3 and 4.
This whole text can be simplified and placed in a footnote, since it's non-essential text.
artificially made nerves
Redundant
Eyewitnesses called for help as the subject collapsed in the street, and subject was picked up by local law enforcement.
The sentence could be shortened to have a smoother feel. Try: The subject collapsed in the street, and was taken in by local law enforcement.
Upon discovery of its anomalous properties, subject was handed over to the Foundation.
Kind of makes it sound like the police know about the Foundation. Something along the lines of foundation assets in the police acquiring her would be better.
who was declared missing 19 months prior after not returning from boarding school during the holiday break in December 2015.
Rather long, and slightly unnecessary. You could trim it down it too: "who was declared missing 19 months prior during her boarding school's holiday break."
designated SCP-####-1 and -2
designated SCP-####-3 through -10.
More of a personal thing, but generally, smaller details like this can be placed in footnotes.
This drive has led the Foundation to conclude that SCP-#### was possibly created by Maxwellists from the Church of the Broken God.
It is believed the traumatic memories of the procedure the subject underwent are stored on this drive.
I would exclude these two lines, because they're just telling the reader what they already know. In fact, by removing them, you're allowing the reader to make their own guesses/conclusions, which is more satisfying.
and attempts to
askes
hand-to-hand
Spelling
After initial reading, the text is stored on the drive.
Punctuation
see 'Addendum ####-C'.
Should be bracketed or in a footnote.
by Tthe Foundation.
Spelling
Expansion of information on SCP-####-5q
Pretty sure the q isn't supposed to be there.
inserted in a computer disconnected from any communication functions into an air-gapped computer
'Air-gapped computer' means not connected to any external hardware or software.
. -5 SCP-####-5 was
Consistency
This led researchers to theorize that the drives have limited data capacity, and the oldest memorized events are erased to accommodate new data.
Info-dumping again. Let the reader make their own conclusions.
falsified information given to it on the drive.
new information given to it on the drive.
Redundant
The newly created drive was dubbed SCP-####-11.
This should be at start of the test log rather, and be used as the reference so as to not confuse readers.
transferred to -3 SCP-####-3
Consistency
SCP-####-3 was then inserted into a computer and documents containing falsified, mathematically incorrect information about the redefinition of these SI base units were transferred to -3.
Clunky, and run-on sentence.
this is not possible if the drives cannot verify the data itself, such as with names.
Weird phrasing.
Subject is restricted to its chair as Dr. Allard enters.
Rather harsh, and kind of unjustified IMO.
No you are not, you will be safe with us. The Foundation will be taking care of you from now on.
Very awkward start, and monotonous. Also, mentioning the Foundation straight off the bat is just jarring. And since Allard says it will be explained later, why can't they just explain about the Foundation later.
You will be informed later. From now on you will remain in our custody.
Again, monotonous text, sounds more like a robot than an actual human.
My name is Doctor Ramona Allard
Spelling
Dr. Allard: Security, could you remove them please?
SCP-####: Thank you. But what are those?
Should probably have italic text to indicate the action, as well as any responses from Hester.
Dr. Allard: What? Can you still hear me?
Rather odd response to watching someone go catatonic in front of you.
SCP-#### was escorted to its cell with surveillance and instructions to keep SCP-####-1 and -2 plugged in
This should be in the closing statement
Interview conducted on 19/1/2020
Huge time-skip, so wouldn't the problem have been detected earlier, even if it was bi annual?
Hello ####, let's keep this short. I have other, more important matters to attend to.
This line here, it describes the rest of the interview, and frankly, makes me not care about it. Allard doesn't care, and although there's something interesting going on, it's hard to read through it, simply because its unappealing.
No, Yyou
Spelling
[SCP-#### is grabbed and dragged out of the room by security personnel.]
Ususally, if an SCP/ any other person is in distress, they would be sedated, not dragged out kicking and screaming.
SCP-#### was taken to its cell under surveillance.
Same as before.
was going coming home
Grammar
Please, Yyou need
Spelling
Dr. Claes interrupts over intercom
Italic text, not bold
Something to help her out a bit?
Grammar
Don't call it a 'she', this is still an SCP we're talking about.
Split this sentence up. A lot of your sentences are long, so having some variety will help. Plus, the short sentence helps to convey emphasis and emotions.
Don't you have any compassion? Yes, it's still an SCP, but compared to all the other things we have locked up it's one of the tamest we have. It's just an abnormal human and a compliant one at that. There's no reason to treat her this. I can't help but feel sorry for her.
He references Hester as both 'it' and 'her', which makes his characterisation very wobbly. Choose one, and stick with it for the rest of the article.
Look, I understand where you're coming from, I've been working with #### since the beginning.
Split as well.
We can't control the data on that drive, . If it's full, it'll just delete the oldest week of info it has.
Punctuation
How do you know, are you sure about all of itthis?
You're repeating the same thing twice. Also, grammar.
And even with that in mind, the first day she remembers is still always a Monday.
Generally weird phrasing
But that's why I need to run these tests, I need to know for sure.
Split
ecalling anything, but at least it
Punctuation
So instead of retrograde amnesia you want to wipe its memory and give it anterograde amnesia?
For this, it would be a good idea to have decripstions of both kinds of amnesia in footnotes for reader ease.
This way, we can also
Punctuation
I'll at least have my memories in some way as long as I can.
Weird phrasing
SCP-#### was brought back to its cell with surveillance. Audio recording software was provided later
Same, should be in closing statements
This whole thing should be an addendum by itself. Same goes for the additional note below.
Conclusion: Overall, there are multiple issues that really hamper this article. Focus mainly on trimming the article down to length, and working on the dialogue. You can find some useful notes here.
Once you have made the adjustments, or you have any questions, feel free to reach out to me on Wikidot PM or on IRC chat.
[Summoned on IRC, expect crit soon.]
I have memory issues myself. Reading SCPs about memory and the loss/manipulation thereof is generally a very intimate and impactful experience. My primary anxiety in regards to memory is the fear of letting people down — of messing up and rightly being blamed. Dr. Allard fits that role rather well: consistently terrible, apathetic, and a source of pain for SCP-XXXX. He never explicitly blames her, however, which I think is a shame.
Character itself is the largest issue I have with the current draft. Ardell is, as I said, terrible, but almost cartoonishly so. The conversation between him and Claes at the end reads as unbelievable; the dialogue lacks subtext and they do not seem like professional researchers having a methodological dispute.
Overall, I feel that there's too much of the article as is (specifically, the descriptions of each drive are lengthy and do not meaningfully come up in the rest of the draft. There also seem to be a fair amount of artifacts from past iterations of the draft (e.g. the words written on the walls of the containment unit and the implications of story re: the Broken God). It seems like part of her motivation to record herself would reasonably be to figure out what happened to her — otherwise the "missing person" angle mostly just disappears from the story.
There are also a number of SPaG errors, as I mentioned over IRC, which I can go over upon request.
P1: access ports 1 and 2
I'd personally capitalize these words.
level-3 Senior Research staff
Level
To facilitate communication with SCP-####
to
SCP-#### is a 22 year old humanoid female of European descent.
22-year-old
designated SCP-####-1 through -10
Designated … -10.
Believed to be born in July in 100 BCE
BCE.
Interview conducted on 29/8/2020 during a annual checkup with SCP-#### to check the function of the information drives.
an annual
We are going to have to do some more tests to find the exact proces though.
process
Dr. Allard, could you come to the observation chamber please?
, please
Thank you for helping me doctor.
, doctor.
Placeholder, will return soon
Here I be with my thoughts.
Specific issues:
'Jouw naam is SCP-####. Je bent hier veilig.'
With the memory issues, wouldn't it be easier to write the SCP's actual name? Their furthest memories would show what their name is as opposed to it being SCP-XXXX.
Overall thoughts:
This seems like an interesting enough anomaly, there's mystery behind why this person was modified the way they were. Then added in relation about memory loss, and not being in control of ones situation adds emotion into the story. Unfortunately, that's all there seems to be. Most of the narrative is comprised of interviews figuring out what the extent of the anomaly does. There is a little bit of character development added in, but it feels overshadowed by the logs of figuring out how the SCP works. This diminishes the emotional impact in my opinion leading to a flat ending.
I have a few issues with the tone of the interviews, as they feel a bit unprofessional at times. The doctor clearly lets emotion into their work, and that's okay if you play it up and add some sympathy in there. However, as is it feels you should adjust their tone to be more professional in their interviews. Less emotion, more cold straightforward. This is evident especially during the end, and the last interview doesn't quite seem like one at all. More so, it feels like a casual conversation between the two. I would touch up the tone of these, or add more hints of sympathy.
Lastly I'll say, you reference Maxewellism but that's really it. For me, I would add a little more connection there as the only real connection that you outline is SCP-6. Sure this USB drive has the words of the church there, but what does it mean? You've created a mystery as to why this was done, yet offer no clues to the mystery. Draw lines for the reader to pick on to make the connection as to why someone would be modified like this.
Overall, I'll say this is a fairly complete SCP article with little errors in the SPaG department and it is very well formatted. The picture is nice and helps add visual representation for the reader. However, the story fails to play on my emotions leading to an overall flat ending. That's my personal opinion though. Best of luck.
