Gonna emphasise that I can miss stuff, flag things as grammatically/clinically iffy that you want to keep and also I can be wrong. I'll likely occasionally use strikethrough to indicate stuff to remove and blue text to indicate stuff to add.
Research Head: Junior Researcher Luna Weiss
I…don't really like this: specifically, I don't feel like anyone who's still a junior researcher is also a head of research? Like, the point of junior researchers is that their new and not fully trusted yet; and almost more like a research grunt than the head of research for something? I mean if it fits your canon, you're welcome to keep it but it feels weird to me.
capable of fitting housing up to a maximum of 10 humanoids.
Hm. I'm not sure on "housing" as the verb here but my concern with "fitting" is it implies "you can fit that many people inside" over "it can comfortably support that many people living in it" (like e.g, an elevator could do the first but not the second).
The oldest and second oldest instances are to be kept alive for potential future experimentation.
Why though? What potential experiments need the oldest ones specifically instead of e.g, any one? Why the oldest two and not the oldest one if you're just waiting to see how long they could live max?
Experimentation on SCP-XXXX must be accompanied by one Level 3 member of Security under the circumstance that SCP-XXXX-A instances may disrupt the experiment.
The phrasing here feels a little muddled. I think "to prevent…disrupting the experiment" would work better?
Livor Mortis
I don't believe either of these words need capitalising.
Every nine months, SCP-XXXX
until born after nine months.
"including being born after nine months"; perhaps with an explicit "gestation" in there.
Immediately following after giving birth, SCP-XXXX will generate produce another fertilized egg
SCP-XXXX, at the time of writing
that , should be a :; and "at the time of writing" is super vague: you should really say something like "as of [date]".
SCP-XXXX-A have the appearance of Homo Sapien Sapiens, however SCP-XXXX-A will are humanoids which continuously excrete
SCP-XXXX-A instances have never been seen to reach intelligence higher than that of a three year old child, and will often react to staff with fear, crying, screaming, and attempting to flee.
Hm. The "have never been seen to reach intelligence higher than that of a three year old child" feels,,,kinda out of place and weird here? I feel like a phrasing more like "SCP-XXXX-A instances have the intelligence of a 3 year old child" may work better?
The "fear, crying, screaming and attempting to flee" list feels weird since there's three verb actions and an emotion? It seems to me that the fear is perhaps unnecessary here?
they will attempt to carry SCP-XXXX and bring it with them, however even when working together, they will often lack the strength to do so succeed.
If this umbilical cord is severed, SCP-XXXX-A will
(You're very prone to dropping commas here: I've highlighted like, four instances so far?)
screaming incoherencies at it
"incoherently"
before dying due to a stress induced heart attack.
Hm. I can't help but feel like this is perhaps underwhelming? I feel like perhaps a more direct tie in to the usage of an umbilical cord would work better; perhaps hinting that they have e.g, underdeveloped lungs and can't breath on their own, necessitating the passage of oxygenated blood through the umbilical cord for example.
Each instance of SCP-XXXX-A has been seen drinking roughly four liters of breast milk from SCP-XXXX a day.
…So I realised something here: obviously SCP-XXXX is dead but does it need to be like, fed to provide more nutrients here? How does it produce milk if it doesn't like surely it'd run out of materials fairly quickly without them coming from somewhere?
Hm. While the breast milk aspect is a little squicky, I feel like I'm gonna second my last comment: the SCP-XXXX-A instances are connected via an umbilical cord and it makes sense that that'd be used for this too? It'd also help explain why they can't survive without the connection.
intelligenceFoundation agents imbedded in Baltimore Police
(You consistently use "Intelligence Agents" throughout and I really feel like "Foundation Agents" or "Foundation Intelligence Agents" works better)
Leonard Totenmich, the husband of Audrey Totenmich,
So. Audrey is explicitly 89 in 2001; meaning by 2019, she'd be 106-ish (there's a little variation depending on when her birthday is). Which in turn means her husband is likely pushing 100 too: so it kinda feels weird to interview him since he feels like potentially he'd be too ill to really handle an interview?
beginning, how
colon
Uh, well, it was a little out of the blue
"out of the blue" is the kinda thing you say when you're asked "how do you know someone", not "when did you meet them"
were not going to be arrested for this?
hm. It feels like Leonard would say "I'm not gonna be arrested for this?" over "We're not…" here?
OK, well it just sort of… happened.
I feel like Leonard should be explicitly asked y'know, something to cause him to respond with this story?
how she could be pregnant since, well, she's 89, but also whose kid it is
the "also whose kid it is" feels super awkward here? You're kinda swapping to the present tense here: these are historic evens so "it was"; but I think perhaps something more like "but also who fathered the kid" perhaps? It might work better as a separate sentence with more build up?
the baby went limp after, died after only a few minutes.
this flows weirdly? perhaps "dead" would work better than died?
and again after that one, and again after that one.
"and again, and then again after that" perhaps; this feels too repetitive but also awkwardly long?
How many times has this phenomenon happened before her passing?
Tenses again: the "has this" should be "did this"
We didn't go to the hospital this time
hm. The earlier "we cut the cord" implies Leonard was directly involved in the whole child birth thing; which means this mention of them going to the hospital is kinda surprising because the implication from the previous statement is that they didn't before? So it feels a little contradictory? Like this feels like a weird, quiet cult-y family, like the kinda Lovecraft-esque family that no-one ever sees going outside and would never call a doctor? So them going to the hospital feels weird?
I think perhaps it just needs a little clarity earlier over being removed here though?
We decided not to cut the cord since that killed the last three, just leave it connected and see what happens you know?
Hm. Earlier you said "14 loose umbilical cords appear to have been severed prior to containment": there's 3 initial ones, but it seems like they've kept one baby alive to see what happens and then killed like, 11 of the 14 next babies in some order while keeping 3 more alive? Iunno, the progression here feels like it's a little weird to me.
Following Lily's social media shows
I feel like "Investigation of" works better than "Following" here
Prior to the currently believed date of anomalous creation
So pretty much every social media site lists when posts where made so it feels weird to have this kinda vague statement over e.g, "On ██/██/2000" (or even including the actual date here tbh)
lily had the gaul
I get this is a message which like, is deliberately not well written; but using "gaul" instead of "gall" feels weird? it's not an easy typo to make since the u and l aren't close together, "gaul" is a lot less common so it's unlikely to be an autocorrect thing (especially since "i" isn't changed to "I"), and I'm not sure that someone would jump to that as the right spelling?
which one idk
"idk which one" imo.
hm. Audrey is like, nearly 90 years old at this point? I'm not sure she'd be using phrases like "idk"? it feels too young for here? …Also a touch of digging suggests idk didn't really emerge until perhaps 2002, so this is maybe too recent to be used here?
the stench of 50 men and pussy juice
the "pussy juice" here feels really weird, perhaps "her" before it would help or like, a specific "10 dykes pussy juice" here.
The Block
I feel like this needs a little more locational data? It feels perhaps too cyberpunk-y (especially considering how big you imply it is) but that's not necessarily a bad thing?
objects surrounding the Thaumaturgic Runes,
I feel like "near" is better than "surrounding" here, or perhaps "around": "surrounding" feels too much like it implies "the objects were deliberately placed around the runes" whereas it feels like you're meaning "the dresser was 1ft from the rune and got scorched"?
one of the only ladies who never charged. What kind of dude would pass up free sex with a hottie like her?
This feels like it's a weird tangent rather than Richard explicitly admitting to having sex with her?
Luna: Understood, thank you for your cooperation. Another agent will be with you briefly for routine documentation.
You're missing the empty line between this line and the one before it. Actually, looking at the page source, you have the ">" but you're missing a space after it so it actually like, works properly (thanks wikidot for the good coding system).
The current estimate of individuals who have had sexual relationships with PoI-XXXX/01 prior to her disappearance and after the suspected anomaly creation date exceeds 10,000 people, primarily in Maryland and bordering states, with each instance of SCP-XXXX-A matching in DNA to one of these individuals.
This implies that there are 10,000 SCP-XXXX-A instances and not 14. Also running the numbers here, there's an approximately 18 year period between creation and disappearance here, which corresponds to 6570 days (roughly): meaning the estimate puts it at about 2 new partners a day (plus the implication that there's repeat encounters with some partners). I get that she's meant to be a sex demon here but this feels perhaps a little excessive?
Using the sulfur from PoI-XXXX/01's home attempts were made to contact a suspected Tartarean entity.
I feel like this sentence works better if it runs from "Attempts were made…" to "using the sulfur from PoI…."
Upon the beginning of the ritual
the use of "the" here implies one attempt; whereas you just said "attempts" like there's been many
anomalously high volume
I'd measure this in decibels
SCP-XXXX to the furthest area of its room relative to the location the ritual took place
I feel like "to the corner of its room furthest away from where the ritual was carried out." works better here
After consistant failed attempts
How many? also "consistent"
"LilyFlowerBloom"
The reference to Lily's Proposal here feels weird if intended?
The cognitohazards included an antimemetic effect causing the reader to dismiss the chatlog as sexting, a cognitohazard on all messages sent by "NeedMoreForma" increasing influenceability of the reader, and a cognitohazard on all messages sent by "LilyFlowerBloom" causing the reader to steadily increase in desire.
This feels, perhaps a little excessively described considering it doesn't really seem to have any importance here?
Gonna use this opportunity to say that I think perhaps this log could with with a little more flair to it: perhaps colouring the user names or spacing them out a little would help? I know Gamers Against Weed use IRC logs but they seem to mostly be formatted with bold user names and no spacing (see e.g, SCP-2293).
[REDACTED]8
I feel like there should be an explicit "COGNITOHAZARD" here so you don't need the footnote; or at least can drastically cut down the level of detail in it.
