SCP: Lets Improvise

SCP: Lets Improvise

mrfirework 08 Jun 2019 13:57

Draft: http://scp-sandbox-3.wikidot.com/soup

Proof of Greenlight: http://www.scp-wiki.net/forum/t-11404245/scp:lets-improvise

Re: SCP: Lets Improvise

RockTeethMothEyes 12 Jun 2019 06:55

I apparently greenlit this, so time to do a review!

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Allow me to preface this by saying that while I try to be thorough, I become less likely to comment on flaws if I find that I'm repeating myself. Keep this in mind as we go further.

Now, let us begin.

+[Line-by-Line Critique] Click to Access

SCP-XXXX is to be locked in a storage room at site-█.

Capitalize and remove the censor on the site. Generally, don't blacbox or redact anything in the containment procedures. If we don't know what we're supposed to do with it, then it doesn't get contained.

SCP-XXXX may be used by level-2 personnel for testing purposes only.

This is unnecessary. Typically, we don't need to know who can or can't test on the thing. We also don't need to know that testing is happening, really. If there are any precautions that must be made for testing, then you can mention that.

During emergencies SCP-XXXX is not to be used as a viable food source but may be used for D-class personnel.

If it's not a viable food source, why are we feeding it to D-Class? They're prisoners, yeah, but even prisoners don't eat burnt plastic.

The conprocs could overall use some reworking. It doesn't need to be long, but there is unnecessary information and vague wording that makes it wonky. You clearly have an idea of how conprocs are supposed to work, with basic detail of it's storage situation and handling (even had a hook in there), but it's not doing a whole lot for setting an image of what the item could be.

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I'm not too big on how you've presented your description.

• Why wouldn't you have an SCP-XXXX-1 before -2?
• Aside from designations, numbers below twenty should be written out, numbers above 21 should be numerical.
• You likely don't need footnotes 1 and 2, since they are redundant information
• SCP-XXXX-3 needs to be designated a bit earlier. Otherwise it looks like the designation refers to the cutlery.
• The last paragraph is a bit abrupt. Generally the pacing is all out of wack, but there's no escalation for Fred's reaction to the health inspector. Just a brief mention that he stabbed him.

Overall, the tone needs some work. There are a lot of short punchy sentences (which isn't that bad), but it makes the read a bit stale. I feel like some of these sentences could be reworded for better flow of reading in general.

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This collapsible is a low-point. The formatting is clunky, the descriptions are hacky, the results are hacky, and the Heart of Darkness and True Happiness options shattered my disbelief into enough pieces that I may as well stop reading here. Either remove the log or rework it. If the article wouldn't have a huge plothole in it from the log's removal, then you don't need it.

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This interview isn't doing wonders either. Fred spends the entirety of the interview info-dumping and the doctor has as much character as a cardboard cut-out. There isn't anything I particularly like about this log.

+[Overall] Click to Access

I'm sorry, but I'd likely downvote if I saw this on the main list. There isn't really anything that I liked besides the concept. I feel like the basic premise is fine, but the execution is incredibly lacking. You're going to want to spend some more time on this draft.

You may want to go through the Guide Hub and read some essays. For this, I suggest any about character, tone, and sentence structure, as those are the primary issues with this work.

Good luck.

Last edited on 13 Jun 2019 11:36 by RockTeethMothEyes Show more