I thought Teriaq died when 1836's husband broke his restraining order?
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(account deleted)The portions of the narrative with Teriaq had a pleasing, Jack London-esque quality to them, that did a nice job communicating the challenges of survival in extreme Arctic conditions. I'm not exactly sure why Eugenio was a part of this story, and in fact I might have preferred if the story had focused solely on the implications of SCP-1836 and the mass amnesticization, as it would have been a little tighter I think.
If the non-Teriaq portions of the story (which weren't bad but didn't really feel necessary) had run any longer, I would have voted differently, but the quality of the rest of the piece wasn't impacted to the point of preventing an upvote. The visceral struggle with hunger and the elements, coupled with the additional challenge of decaying memory (which is kind of a cool stand-in for the real life mental effects of physical privation in challenging conditions) was a neat enough dynamic that I enjoyed the piece and could overlook some of the issues in construction.
On breakers, wine-colored with blood white whales float like limp, cotton rags on the tide.
I liked the wine-colored with blood image, but the grammar here makes it very awkward.
squealing beluga squeals
I don't like this.
It was screwed to the skin of the sea
Yes. Good.
Still hungry he had more seal meat, this time cooked on that same stove in the animal's own blubber.
This could be rewritten in a smoother way.
There was a chance chance
Is this a play on words or a mistake?
He sped north east, hopefully he'd hit the western coast of Baffin Island soon
Maybe comma better as semi-colon?
There, mass amnesia in Norway as contaminated, salted fish are accidentally introduced to ice-locked coastal villages.
This sentence is iffy.
The room smelled of isopropanol and hexane.
Like it.
It chirped, twitched a little, chipped again.
chipped?
Overall I like it. Upvote.
Living the dream, or dreaming the life?
What strikes me the most of this article is that the end of the world is / was being provoked by the Foundation, making this more of an ongoing-apocalypsis-scenario than an actual dystopia… and still, I have to upvote.
There is a certain strength, a compelling emotional thread to the piece, that made me pay attention even when Sedna and the fox and the bird were completely unknown players for me. Teriaq is a compelling character, the story is interesting and the English used here is absolutely perfect. My only pet peeve would be the final parts of the tale, which are way much too open for my tastes, but that is just me wanting more, I think.
Therefore, upvoted. Excellent piece, Vivax. :)
I really, really like this. Great concept, many great details.
It feels a bit unfocused, though, like it's missing perhaps a third of its content? I'm not sure; it's hard to diagnose. Either way, too good not to upvote.
(Also, many grammar errors. Fixed a number of them.)
You're right TDM. It is missing some content as I ran into the problem of "Oh god the deadline!". I decided to try to run this as a dystopian mood piece and intend to revise, expand and resubmit it now that the contest is over. By "resubmit" I mean "overwrite it with a new version to preserve the votes, comment thread and contest tag"
Cool. :> I look forward to seeing it.
Seriously, though, check the errors I fixed and/or talk to me about them on IRC when we're both on. How many times have I complained at you about them???? >:P
/forum/t-1058432/she-s-angry-and-going-south#post-
page revision: 7, last edited: 17 Nov 2020 06:16
