Decommissioned / Discussion

This is the discussion related to the wiki page Decommissioned.

So, dystopias and stuff.

Dillinger PhD 29 Nov 2014 08:28

My submission, which I hope y'all enjoy. This one is a lot of things in a small amount of words for me; meditations about life, on the meaning of the standards we carry with us, on our relationship with the concept of death on multiple levels. While most people might be inclined to ask where you were when the world ended, I wanted to think about who you were.

Thanks to Prior, Charon, Agent MacLeod, Reach, and Tagliafierro for taking a look at this one.

(account deleted) 29 Nov 2014 09:33

Why now, then?

That really should have been the starting point of a story, rather than the ending point. As it stands, the researcher drinking himself into a maudlin stupor doesn't really strike me as a particularly good vantage point for something as ambitious as the concept of the Foundation decommissioning the entire planet.

There just seem to have been several avenues for a really interesting story here. Why is it that Earth is a local hotbed of anomalous activity? What place does the Foundation really have in this future society where it can exercise such overt power? Why, indeed, now? Instead of getting into any of these avenues, the tale cuts out right as it begins to be interesting.

Dillinger PhD 30 Nov 2014 21:10

I see your points, albeit the concept (as it evolved into, at least) isn't about Earth. I am wanting to explore the idea more in the future but this tale became, for me, about Reichardt. I personally enjoy the idea of the destruction of the planet being marginalized here; it reflects its status within the story at large while being a juxtaposition to Reichardt's feelings on the subject.

The tale could be a little more fleshed out; this was a case where the contest timeline, my late start, and personal schedule conflicts for the last couple days led me to putting this up before I could decide what (if any) additions I felt were necessary. But I really enjoy it as it stands and if there was more going on, very little of it would have addressed the planet; perhaps a little more on the Foundation would have cropped up but most of the words would have been spent on the protagonist and his family.

Rokonuxa 29 Nov 2014 12:07

i mostly agree with above comment, while i definetely enjoyed the story, i want a bit more. Its fine as a short view into the situation though. No vote.

One thing though. This may just be a difference in calender systems here but 16 months?

whoops. still asleep.

Last edited on 29 Nov 2014 12:09 by Rokonuxa Show more

Dr Nikolaus 29 Nov 2014 12:55

I think you should bold:

Item Description:

and

Date of Recovery:

and

Location of Recovery:

and

Current Status:

just like the top part, or like any other SCP article.

Tagliafierro 29 Nov 2014 13:15

Not really, since he got the template from the Log of Anomalous Items.

CirclesAndSquares 29 Nov 2014 15:49

I really enjoyed reading this. So much I almost burned my breakfast. Unfortunately, out of the blue, a single sentence and a text block killed off a character that I was really getting into. The jump from him contemplating to being dead was so sudden that I'm worried I misunderstood something and his satellite exploded or something. I would have loved to read a lot more of this. (Don't feel bad. This is the number one criticism I received as well.)

TL333s 30 Nov 2014 23:09

Okay, that was a really cool idea. I love how the identity of the skip is just casually tossed into the middle, rather than being a dramatic reveal near the end or something.

thedeadlymoose 08 Dec 2014 05:39

The central idea is very cool and you have remarkably good characterization. Enough to swing an upvote.

However, the piece does go astray with the wall of text central paragraph. It feels almost obligatory, like you were bored with your story's central concept before your story even got going. Like you were waaaaaay more interested in Reichardt. :P

Which is fine, but that doesn't mean you should half-ass a concept like "Earth is an SCP that's being decommissioned". (Even if it's something simplistic & straightforward, you can still play that for thematic weight.)

Dillinger PhD 08 Dec 2014 06:06

I appreciate the comments and the upvote, particularly in light of feeling like this needed work. The longish paragraphs are something of a style thing for me, although I do intend to move away from them a bit more; in my fiction work at large I tend to shy away from heavy dialogue and it can sometimes lead to walloftext-itis. I see how they look especially odd given the length of this work.

As for half-assing the concept, I disagree. The "Earth as SCP" idea was the initial starting point but I decided deliberately to bury the lead, so to speak. A very character-driven tale where the destruction of our homeworld is treated so insignificantly spoke to me really strongly. I do concede that this is a case where I'm not meeting the expectations of readers with the rest of the story that I give them at the beginning; I'm okay with that.

Thanks kindly for the words :)

thedeadlymoose 08 Dec 2014 06:19

I do concede that this is a case where I'm not meeting the expectations of readers with the rest of the story that I give them at the beginning; I'm okay with that.

Nope, this isn't what it is. Part of the point is you not meeting the expectations of readers, but giving them something else instead. What I'm saying is that you're not giving them something else instead, at least not enough or in the right way.

A very character-driven tale where the destruction of our homeworld is treated so insignificantly spoke to me really strongly.

That's just it, though. This is a really good idea. It also isn't what you gave us. You still have a giant text wall of a paragraph going through the boring details that we didn't need to hear, and too little connection of the insignificance of the world's destruction to the way the narrator feels about it.

Why give us all those boring details, especially if you don't even find them significant? Why not contrast them with snippets of interesting and/or totally alien stuff (that the narrator may disapprove of) that the Foundation is focusing on? Why not present the attitudes of people towards Earth in a more interesting fashion? Or Reichardt's feelings about all that info-dumping you did? [Besides the last sentence, these are just suggestions. Re: last sentence, see more below]

In other words: your story content still has to be interesting. What you're dealing in is basically negative space, to steal an art metaphor; the 'positive' space, the concept of 'Earth is an SCP which is being decommed', doesn't have to be some balls-out-weird thing or anything more than that. But the 'negative' space, the space around the concept of 'Earth is an SCP which is being decommed', still should be interesting.

Likely the easiest way to fix this would be to cut out many of the details you do give us about Earth, and put more of Reichardt's POV in that section. (His POV should've been more present in there regardless, but in this case it should help get you further towards your thematic point.)

Last edited on 08 Dec 2014 06:20 by thedeadlymoose Show more

Klurg 27 Sep 2016 23:52

I know this is a bit of a necro, but I feel that the only reason Earth is considered a hotbed of anomalies is because humans expect 'normalcy' on Earth. They don't know what's on other planets and what they consider anomalies are significantly reduced.

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We change a lot over time, but there's always a little of our old selves in us. Never forget your old self, they're one of the most important parts of you.