Item Record for SCP-261
Please record any and all anomalous items received from SCP-261, along with amount of money entered and item description, using the format below. Mundane items will be made available for personal consumption after scanning and clearance by Site Security.
Name:
Date:
Money entered:
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered:
Item description:
Name: Dr. Rights
Date: November 26, 2008
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Oreos - A package of six standard Oreos, in bright blue wrapping, label in Spanish. Tasted normal, went well with milk.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Bag of Jolly Ranchers - Contained both standard flavors of Green Apple and Watermelon, with additional flavors Pomegranate, Loquat, and Blackberry. Current Jolly Ranchers are not known to contain these flavors. Edible and tasty.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: "Spice Bomb" - Small gumball, red and orange banded in color, with packaging in Japanese. Tasted like somebody made jalapeño gum. Unbearably spicy. Half-hour break called to throw up and drink an antacid.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Mountain Dew: Hot Pink - Clear plastic bottle, label in English. Liquid within a brilliant pink color, and proved to be edible, tasting very sweet and tart. Mild sugar high ensued. Flavor identified to be a mix of pomegranate and sour apple.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: <Unknown> - Small plastic box containing apparatus similar to heroin kit with small vial of clear liquid, label in unknown language. Found alternative researcher to use it. After injection, subject reported the strong taste of mint, and they smelled constantly of peppermint for the next several hours, apparently coming from sweat and body oils. Subject reported nausea after the first hour or so of this, due to the constant smell and taste.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: <Unknown> - USB-capable device similar to a flash drive, packaging marked only with a bar code. When plugged into a computer, the computer ran at twice normal speed and refused to react to mouse or keyboard movement, and appeared to be running several games of minesweeper at once. Object kept for potential testing with mechanical SCPs.
Dr. Rights was running low on yen at this point and left the machine alone for about a half-hour while she rummaged through her office for more
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: <Unknown> - Milk chocolate replica of human male sexual organ, approximately six and a half inches from base to head, in foil wrapping with unknown language resembling Korean on label. Hollow, filled with liquid white chocolate. Edible and tasted decent. Testing ended after that.
Name: Dr. Iceberg
Date: November 27, 2008
Money entered: 167 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Doritos- A bag of Doritos chips, nacho cheese flavor.
Money entered: 200 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Hershey's with nuts- A regular-sized bar of Hershey's chocolate with nuts. However, the nuts match with no known species.
Money entered: 500 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Green Apple Frosting- A container of green frosting, with a green apple flavor. Currently not produced by any company.
Money entered: 500 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Lay's Blooming Onion: All-dressed- An onion of average size and color. Cutting into shows that it is made of many layers, each a different color and tasting of a different flavor of chips, including some flavors never made by Lay's.
Money entered: 500 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Unknown- A clear plastic package filled with water, with tiny Manta Ray-like creatures swimming in it. Attached to it was a blue tablet in a plastic wrapper. When the top was opened and the tablet was added, the water instantly froze with a loud pop. After the ice block was pulled out of the package, the ice turned to vapor and left behind the creatures, frozen solid. Each was described as having a slightly different flavor.
Name: Dr. Rights
Date: November 27, 2008
Money entered: 700 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Naked Fruit Drink (Berry Flavored) - Good, but nothing unusual. Packaging in English.
Money entered: 700 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Edible Chess Set - Small edible chess set made from hard candy. Candy similar in taste and texture to Pez, packaging in French.
Money entered: 700 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Human Breast Milk (Chocolate Flavored) - Very sweet and vaguely nostalgia-inducing. Nothing unusual about the quality of the milk beyond its packaging. Small label in Japanese.
"I think the boob-shaped container was a nice touch." - Dr. Rights
Money entered: 1000 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Build-Your-Own Candybots - A small bag containing various mixed parts that could be assembled in different ways to create tiny, candy robots. Once completed, candy robots began to move on their own for approximately two minutes, walking about aimlessly and bumping into things. Cute, and very sweet. Packaging in unknown language.
Money entered: 500 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: SCP-417 Fruit - Dr. Rights had to leave the room for a minute, before the item (in airtight packaging) was sent to be incinerated. Packaging in unknown language.
Money entered: 100 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Suppository - Nobody wanted to try this. Tests run later revealed mint flavoring and a high nutritional value. Packaging in unknown language resembling Greek, complete with diagram of how to use.
Money entered: 700 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Bacon Shirt - A simple T-shirt, dark red in color, in plastic packaging, unknown language. A test revealed the shirt to be edible, wearable, and with a taste similar to bacon. No side effects from wearing the shirt, beyond a vague smell of bacon.
Money entered: 700 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Orgasm Muffins - A package containing three small chocolate muffins. Upon eating the muffins, subjects were overcome with intense orgasm. The third muffin caused temporary impotency in subject. Tasty.
Money entered: 1000 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Advertising Bottle - A tall bottle of an unknown alloy, with a twist-off top, and filled with a liquid resembling Pepsi Blue. The sides of the bottle lit up and revealed animated advertisements featuring an attractive woman while being drank. Object powered down once liquid was fully drained. Advertisements and packaging in unknown language resembling archaic Japanese.
Money entered: 500 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Reverse-Temperature Creampuff - A packaged creampuff that grew warmer when exposed to cold, and cooler when exposed to heat. Placing it in the microwave caused frost to form, and putting it in the freezer resulted in it being burning hot. Tasted decent, if a touch stale.
Money entered: 1000 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: "Hyper Chicks" - A small container with a dozen marble-sized white eggs. Packaging with instructions in a variant of Spanish, and translated to microwaving instructions. After thirty seconds on high, the eggs hatched and small, chick-like creatures emerged. These creatures, although cute and endearing, were apparently to be eaten alive. The research subject refused, and Dr. Rights promptly shoved three in her mouth at once. They are chewy, and taste vaguely teriyaki-flavored. The remaining nine are currently being held for testing.
Money entered: 5000 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Anti-Matter Can: Small can of unknown material produced, no label beyond a single symbol. Not willing to risk it, object was tested and revealed to contain, through unknown means, a mass of anti-matter. Testing ended.
Name: Agent Hunter
Date: January 16, 2009, lunchtime
Money entered: 500 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Thiotimoline cookies - Three chocolate chip cookies in plastic wrapping. Tasting sensations were felt at least three seconds before the cookies made any contact with the mouth. Packaging in what appears to be an unrecorded dialect of Bambara.
Name: Agent Thornton
Date: January 19, 2009, lunchtime
Money entered: 500 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Strong jawbreaker — What appears to be a large gum ball with a faint fruity smell in unmarked transparent plastic packaging. Sharp pain was felt when trying to bite it (later examination noted that two teeth had been cracked). Object turned out to be an inordinately strong jawbreaker. It began to show visible wear only after several minutes in SCP-075's exudate, and required a pressure of several dozen tons in an industrial press before it broke up. Analysis of constituents showed only substances normal for a jawbreaker.
Name: Agent Hunter
Date: January 19, 2009, lunchtime
Money entered: 500 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Hardtack — A piece of hardtack. Packaging in what was later determined to be heavily hellenized French written in Greek characters. Texture was barely bearable, but taste pleasantly meaty. Translation revealed the flavor to be turtle soup.
Name: Agent Thornton
Date: January 20, 2009, lunchtime
Money entered: 500 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Energy gas — A soap bubble stabilized inside a transparent plastic can. Packaging in English. Instruction are to "pierce a hole an inhale the contained gas." Applying a finger to the bubble will indeed pierce a hole. Inhaling the gas (smelling pleasantly of lavender) will cause the bubble to shrink until it vanishes completely and give an energized and empowered feeling to the user. Agent Thornton, however, complained for several hours of an irritated and itchy nasal cavity.
Note: The strangeness of the item is almost certainly due to the fact a researcher forgot to plug it back after being injured in the course of an experiment earlier that day. Due to the machine's intrinsic properties, its unplugged state was not discovered before the evening.
Name: Agent Hunter
Date: January 21, 2009, lunchtime
Money entered: 500 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Hazelnut Glosette — A package of approximately 12 small hazelnuts covered in chocolate. Packaging in German. DNA matched that of Iranian Corylus avellana strains. The Hershey Company does not manufacture this product.
Name: Agent Hunter
Date: January 22, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Caramelized tarantula spider — A five-inches hairy spider covered in hard caramel. Nobody dared to taste. Identified as an unrecorded Phoneutria member. Test showed highly toxic venom was still present in the glands. Packaging in an unknown language.
Note: Phoneutria is not a genus of tarantulas. Dr. Rights.
Name: Agent Thornton
Date: January 23, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Sculptural candy — A tube containing a bright orange PlayDoh-like paste, strongly smelling of citrus. Was malleable and gradually hardened into an exceedingly tough material. Hardening caused Agent Thornton's fingers to become trapped. Packaging in unrecorded language written in Cyrillic.
Name: Agents Hunter & Thornton
Date: January 24, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Candy cornucopia — A small goat horn-shaped container filled with pralines and nougat. Packaging in French.
Name: Agents Hunter & Thornton
Date: January 25, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Candy hosts — What appeared to be at first a package of 6 large sacred hosts. Turned to out to be flavored and composed almost solely of crystalline sugar. Packaging in Polish. Item confiscated by Dr. Rights, upon which both agents requested their immediate transfer to a different facility.
Name: Agents Hunter
Date: January 26, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Dr. Pepper's Amusing Straw! [sic] — A straw, which, when looked from on end, contained what appears to be sugar-sweetened Dr. Pepper. Straw contained much more liquid than physically possible (approximately the volume of a normal Dr. Pepper bottle). Packaging in Japanese.
Name: Agents Hunter & Thornton
Date: January 27, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Geology Aero — An Aero bar twice as thick as the regular, formed of four layers in four different flavors and colors of chocolate: dark, orange, mint and white. The Nestlé company does not manufacture this product. Packaging in German.
Name: Agents Hunter & Thornton
Date: January 28, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Bertie Botts Amusing Everycolor Beans — A package of ca. 24 jellybeans in a variety of bright colors, including mixed and some that are not known to occur on Earth. When eaten, caused the color of all body hair to permanently change to that of the bean. As a result, the agents' hair are now respectively flat shades of banana yellow and sky blue. Packaging in English.
Name: Agent Hunter
Date: January 29, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Terri's [sic] Chocolate Pumpkin — A pumpkin-shaped piece of chocolate easily broken into 11 quarter-shaped pieces. Tasted "vaguely of pumpkin and cough syrup". The Kraft Food Company does not make this product. Packaging in American English.
Name: Agent Hunter
Date: January 30, 2009
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Fruits of the Loom — A package of three pieces of edible underwear in bright colors. Requisitioned by Dr. Rights for "personal usage". Results of test unknown.
Name: Agent Hunter
Date: February 2, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Sound bites — Small word-shaped cookies reading as onomatopoeia. Instead of snapping sounds, produced the sound they read as. Caused a minor panic incident as one cookie had a sound highly similar to SCP-███.
Money entered: 10,000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Item is a small loaf of round bread in the shape of a pinwheel with six points. Colorful wrapper bears logo for "Heaven's Shining Auspicious Bakery," with the tag-line, "Made by angles for angles" (sic). Upon consuming the item, Assistant Director Clef immediately fell into a comatose state, during which he appeared to be in a constant ecstatic state similar to an orgasm. Clef recovered after fifty minutes, although he remained delirious for over two more hours, babbling about, "Gates of pure palladium, polished by the multitudinous hosts of the Shattered Princess."
Money entered: 1 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A single kernel of popped kettle corn.
Name: Agent CarrionTrooper
Money entered: 10 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Five pieces of a traditional Indonesian snack, Klepon. Item was placed on top of a banana leaf holder and all wrapped in simple plastic wrap with no labels or expiration dates. Agent CarrionTrooper commented after eating one: "Oh wow, this is one of the best Klepon I've had! The thickness of the outer wall is just right… and the liquefied red sugar is just perfect. The coconut-meat shavings are as fresh as can be…" Agent asks for anyone else to try one, but to his delight, nobody wants to. Agent finished the rest all by himself.
Name: Agent CarrionTrooper
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A pack of edible condoms, Froo-T brand. Has text written in Ogham. Flavor comes in Apple, Strawberry, Banana, Mint and Mixed. Agent refuses to masticate or use the product, even with the encouragement of fellow employees. Product put in the medical ward afterward.
Name: Agent CarrionTrooper
Money entered: 100 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A can labelled 'Ponari Sweat' in blue and white. Some text in Indonesian on the side, claiming that this beverage could 'cure any kind of disease', 'Made in Jombang', 'straight from Ponari's magic stone' and other gimmicky-sounding adverts. Can given to a D-class with prostate cancer for testing. After emptying the can, the D-class was thoroughly examined. Results show that his prostate cancer has disappeared. D-class was successfully terminated at the end of the month.
Name: Agent CarrionTrooper
Money entered: 1000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A small orange box with a radioactive sign on the side, and a small red button on top. Item moved to a heavy-duty blast chamber and tested extensively. After thorough examination it was found to be harmless and does not exhibit any radiation signs at all. While still in the blast chamber, Agent CarrionTrooper decided to test it. We closed the blast chamber and monitored him from a closed-circuit camera. When Agent CarrionTrooper pressed the button, a bright flash was recorded, and then a small puff of orange mushroom cloud. Agent CarrionTrooper was unharmed, and after the experiment anyone entering the blast chamber immediately sensed a tangy, heavily orange flavor. Agent CarrionTrooper had to wash continuously for five hours just to get the smell of orange out of his body.
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A styrofoam bowl with a paper lid, labelled "Instant Morioka-Style Reimen: just add hot water." Instructions, written in Japanese, indicate to add hot water and let stand for three minutes, then stir well. Contents of bowl appear to be instant noodles as well as several small capsules of unknown make and a dusting of white sugar-like crystals.
Upon adding hot water, item grew warm for approximately three minutes, then immediately chilled to approximately 5°C. Upon peeling back the cover, noodles were found to be cooked and floating in a cold beef broth. Capsules were missing, and replaced with a slice of fresh watermelon, six slices thinly sliced roast beef, six pieces of kkakdugi (ponytail radish kimchi), and half a hard boiled egg. Contents were described as "edible, and tasty, but still not as good as the real thing." Advertisements on packaging encouraged users to "try our other flavors," including "traditional Korean" and "kimchi mixed"
Name: Dr. Dahij
Money entered: 1000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: Brown glass bottle with steel twist-off cap. Bawls G33k B33r brand. Found to be cold and very energizing, strong diuretic effect. Note: Dr. Dahij did not immediately realize the caffeine content of the beverage during testing.
Name: D-50112
Money entered: 1500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: Unknown - A sealed paper sleeve of indeterminate chemical makeup and unknown language. Stylized image of what appears to be a 6-legged blue tortoise. Packaging opened to reveal a single large piece of dark dried meat. Taste noted as sweet and spicy, with a very odd texture.
Approximately 6 hours later, subject reported itching in internal organs and heavy flatulence. Isolated to quarantine where what appeared to be a violent allergic reaction caused the prolapse of two-thirds of his digestive tract from either end of his body. Subject died after 5 hours.
Name: D-50113
Money entered: 750 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: Aluminum bottle with screw-top, colorful graphic on the sides indicating flying insects contained within. Testing moved to isolation chamber. Subject opened bottle and was swarmed by highly aggressive insects colored in Red, Blue, Green, and Purple. Subject is seen eating the insects attempting to sting him on his arms and torso. Flavors primarily sour and bitter, fruits that seem familiar but cannot place. Described as "Similar to PEZ, but not as sweet."
Insects died approximately 9 minutes later and were collected. Agreement in flavor noted throughout all test participants willing to consume insects. Initial subject indicates lesions covering exposed skin, oozing brightly colored fluid with similar flavor. Note: No further side-effects noted. Lesions appeared to heal normally
Name: D-13889
Money entered: 1500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: Steel canister with pressure gauge on top, release valve. Label shows brightly colored trisymmetrical lifeforms inhaling psychedelic fumes. Subject unscrews release valve, noting strong smell of bitter almonds before asphyxiating. Contents revealed to be pressurized hydrogen cyanide gas. Testing halted.
Name: Professor Kain Pathos Crow
Money entered: 1000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: Rat on a stick. — A fried rat skewered on a thin wooden spike. Southern fried.
Name: Professor Kain Pathos Crow
Money entered: 250 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: Applexsplosion. — Object originally appeared to be a normal bag of apples, though in various colors not found in nature, such as purple, orange and white.
However any physical trauma towards an apple results in it violently exploding and completely saturating the surrounding area in a thick edible paste. Paste differed in taste depending on the color of the apple, though all were strictly fruit flavors.
Name: Professor Kain Pathos Crow
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: Candy Bullets! — A CZ-75-B 9mm pistol in a partially transparent package. Package was stylised with several graphics depicting smiling persons being shot, labelled in English in stereotypical "New Yorker" slang. The rounds in the magazine were found to be made of a substance similar to rock candy, though completely functional as normal ammunition.
Object was "tested" on D-27644, in the foot. Besides the pain and trauma normally included in bullet wounds, subject also noted a heavy taste and scent of peppermint, which persisted for several hours. The munition dissolved in the subject's bloodstream, negating the need to remove it surgically.
Note: The pistol itself was found to also be completely edible, though much too difficult to chew. Tasted of "tutti-frutti".
Name: Professor Kain Pathos Crow
Money entered: 400 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: Dimensional Donuts — A brightly colored box of donuts, labeling in Spanish. Donuts possess a small interdimensional anomaly, located in the hole of the donut which is destroyed once the ring of the donut is broken.
When held sideways, small objects fall out of the hole, the object varying depending on person, donut, and time of day. Items noted include small candies, slices of fruit, jigsaw pieces, various forms of ammunition, blood, gasoline, various insects of unknown species, and human fingers.
Following test logs from March 9, 2009 were impromptu testing on an unpowered SCP-261 prompted by power loss in the wing that the SCP is kept in during lunchtime. Results are listed as usual.
Name: Dr. Hooper
Date: March 9, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Blastola Cola. Blue and orange can, with advertisement on the side for "CAPTAIN COMIC XII PRE-RELEASE GIVEAWAY!" No such game exists. Soda tasted of cola sweetened with cane sugar. After drinking, Dr. Hooper was seen to belch a puff of what has been described as "cold fire". Dr. Hooper suffered no harm; a workplace safety poster that was struck with the cloud was briefly covered in a thin layer of frost.
Name: Dr. Hooper
Date: March 9, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Caramel Ramen. Dual language packaging, Japanese and Esperanto. Self-heating filament on bottom typical of Japanese vending machine ramen, built-in spoon. Package contained firm ramen noodles in a thick, sweet caramel sauce. Flavor reported to be excellent, if unusual.
Name: Dr. Hooper
Date: March 9, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Uncle Slaanesh's Candy Nipples. Packaging in a mix of Latin and Sumerian; front of package refers to candy as Uncle Slaanesh's, all other sides to Auntie Slaanesh's. Package contained gummi candy in the vague shape of human teats, with a slight meaty flavor, heavily sweetened. Chewy to the point of inedibility. Package interior contained winning mail-in coupon for a free Warhammer 40,000 "Warcooks of Auntie Slaanesh" model set. Dr. Hooper expressed interest in keeping coupon and attempting to redeem it; request was denied.
Name: Dr. Hooper
Date: March 9, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Pile O' Slugs. A produce box, typical of the sort used to pack strawberries, full of live garden slugs. Label on the lid was hand-written in English. While not consumed, later testing revealed that the slugs contained large amounts of vitamin C, E, and most of the B complex (sans Riboflavin). Also contained large amounts of arsenic.
Name: Dr. Hooper
Date: March 9, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Unknown name. Aluminum box containing brick of gelatinous green material. When opened, material began to scream. Again, was not consumed on site. When tested later the material had shriveled into a tiny green flake suspended in water, and was capable of emitting a 2 dB whispering noise. All attempts to identify nature of material failed; flake reportedly curled in on itself and dissolved shortly after testing began.
Name: Dr Lennon
Date: March 17, 2009
Money entered: 100 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Roll of Lychee-flavored Lifesavers, packaging in Basque.
Name: Dr Lennon
Date: March 17, 2009
Money entered: 200 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Pop-top aluminum can containing liquid, labeling in archaic French. After obtaining translation, the item was revealed to be Durian-flavored soda with Mountain Dew branding. D-84330 was instructed to drink the liquid. After cleanup, research proved that despite the insistence of D-class subject that "that [REDACTED] has got to be some kind of alien [REDACTED]", product was in line with earth Durian flavoring. "My apologies. I've requested an air purifier from maintenance, and hopefully the lounge will stop smelling in a few days." —Dr Lennon
Name: Dr Lennon
Date: March 17, 2009
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Paper-like bag containing pyramidal "chips", packaging believed to be in Egyptian hieratic. Translation in progress. D-84330 reported that the contents are "spicy and sort of gritty" and requested to finish the bag. After doing so, subject complained of extreme thirst and dry-mouth, and was remanded to medical supervision after oral fluids were insufficient for rehydration. A full recovery is expected.
Name: Dr Lennon
Date: March 17, 2009
Money entered: 400 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Cardboard box containing one small rodent, unconscious but alive, covered in spiced bread-crumbs. Autopsy confirms membership in family Muridae but no positive identification of species has been made.
Name: Dr Lennon
Date: March 17, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Two cupcakes in plastic wrapping. Labeling in nonstandard English, promising "Delight of the teeth upon delicios chew!" Dissection of the first cupcake indicated that it consisted of layers, centering upon a hazelnut and including fruit jam, chocolate or chocolate-like substance, bacon, a pastry layer, and what D-84331 identified as "deep-fried Coke". D-84331 reported of the second cupcake "this is the best [REDACTED] I've had since I've been working here" and has shown no ill effects. "I ate part of one of these, and I think my arteries know about it. My teeth were pretty delighted though. —Dr Lennon"
Name: Dr Anno Nymous
Date: March 20, 2009
Money entered: 200 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Bright yellow, elongated package made of cellophane, resembling a banana peel. Language of label is identified as a combination of Welsh and Spanish, and when translated reads as, "Banana Easier to Open! Making Your Banana Opening Easy!" Dr Nymous volunteered to open the package, and found inside a bright yellow food item resembling an unpeeled banana except in color. Chemical testing found higher amounts of fructose and other processed sweeteners, along with small amounts of [DATA EXPUNGED]. Upon removal of [DATA EXPUNGED] from the object, a Class-D Personnel sampled the object, finding it, "Really sweet. Is there more?"
Subsequent log, March 26 2009, comprises another of Dr. Hooper's 'impromptu tests' on SCP-261. It should be noted that SCP-261 has become surprisingly popular with local personnel - perhaps due to the relatively safe shock value?
Name: Dr. Hooper
Date: March 26, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Hostess Ding Dongs, package in English and French. Filling was of an older recipe, appeared more like whipped topping than the translucent white filling used now.
Name: Dr. Hooper
Date: March 9, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Fried fish patty with mustard filling, similar to a Hot Pocket in packaging and preparation. Package bore the likeness of the Muppet character, the Swedish Chef, and with the exception of the instructions and nutritional information (in English) the remainder of the packaging is in unintelligible faux-Swedish with an abundance of umlauts and accent marks. Tasted "entirely too salty".
At this point in the experiment, Dr. Hooper unplugged SCP-261 and asked for the change to be noted.
Name: Dr. Hooper
Date: March 9, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: "Pizza in a Cup", Pepperoni Shrimp Alfredo flavor, with image of Steve Martin from his performance in "The Jerk" on the front. Packaging trilingual, English, Klingon, and Pig Latin. Taste was "unusual, but not bad." Product cooked somewhat unevenly in microwave; bottom of cup was still cold afterward. After examining the package, Dr. Hooper joked that SCP-261 was "just mocking him now."
Name: Dr. Hooper
Date: March 9, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: "Most Horrendously Painful Hangover Ever Candy Shots". Japanese packaging bearing the logo of the band Offspring and tiny, super-deformed likenesses of the band smashing a generic salaryman's head with jackhammers. Candy appeared to be gummi shot glasses full of various solid color gummi. Taste varied from candy to candy, but was generally "extremely sweet". Candy was examined and shown to have no alcoholic content, despite slight flavor that insinuated otherwise. Ingredient list on back listed only "HATRED AND VITRIOL" in English; no other ingredients listed anywhere on package in any language, although note on the underside of the package states that the candy may aggravate dairy allergies.
Name: Dr. Hooper
Date: March 9, 2009
Money entered: 1000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Small cylinder covered in crosshatching lines of varying configuration; appears to be a form of writing. Bright purple and green wrapping bears drawing of a vaguely humanoid yellow figure with what appears to be two mouths. Removing cap produces a sudden gush of gray-violet foam; Dr. Hooper dropped the tube and ran to the chemical wash, stating that it was burning his hands. The foam was found to be acidic, and contain significant amounts of capsaicin. The latter was more responsible for the burning sensation than the former. When analyzed, the foam was shown to contain massive amounts of Riboflavin and B6, but no other B complex vitamins, or other vitamins whatsoever. It did contain trace amounts of arsenic and methane, as well as a few minerals that were currently unknown; unfortunately, the sample was lost when the foam dissolved after a few hours.
Name: Fifth
Date: 06 April 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A plastic very-heavy duty ziploc bag decorated with a picture of a zebra and an unknown language. Contents of bag included an unusually tough and sinewy meat jerky.
Name: Prof. Snider
Date: 07 April 2009
Money entered: 200 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Small, airtight blue plastic bag, very cold to the touch and labelled in an unknown language. Contents appeared to be several small, shriveled gray spheres half a centimeter in diameter, apparently freeze-dried. When heated in water they expand to two centimeters in diameter. Spheres appear to be eyeballs of an unknown animal, deep blue throughout with hourglass-shaped pupils and thick purple vessels. The outside was slick and tasteless, but when bitten a large amount of thick purple jelly tasting of watered-down grape juice bursts out. Minutes later, the jelly turned out to cause extremely vivid hallucinations.
Money entered: 50 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Small cardboard can of “Eetmees”, with the rest of the packaging labelled in French describing the foodstuff as “Irresistibly Good!” and “Undeniably Tasty!”. Can contains five small, three-legged crab-like creatures with tiny claws and large, dewy eyes. When released, they leap up and down ecstatically, clicking their claws and screaming, “Eat me!” over and over again in shrill, high-pitched voices. If subject delays or refuses to eat them, the “Eetmees” become more and more desperate, climbing on each other’s shoulders and even leaping at the subject to force their way into the subject’s mouth. When chewed, the creatures shriek in joy and delight, even going “weeee” as they are swallowed. Prof. Snider was quoted to describe the creatures as “tasty, but disturbing.”
Money entered: 100 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: "FOOD". 18 oz steel can with a pull-tab. Label is all white with the word "FOOD" written in large, black letters. No other information (nutrition, ingredients, weight, etc.) is listed. When opened, can is found to contain a thick, gray, odorless paste. Subjects described the paste as "devoid of any taste", and left subjects appearing emotionless and slow-witted. Chemical analysis has found the paste to be fat and cholesterol-free and contained all necessary vitamins and minerals, but contained several chemicals as of yet unknown.
Money entered: 100 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: "DRINK". 12 oz aluminum drink can. Label is similar to the "Food" can: all white with nothing but the word "DRINK" in black letters. Liquid inside is colorless, odorless, and has a viscosity lower than water. When ingested, subjects became more open to suggestion, becoming more and more subservient the more of the "Drink" was administered almost to the point of having no will of their own. Research into the long-term effects of the "Drink" is being investigated.
Name: Dr. Light
Date: April 18, 2009
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: “Bibello’s”. Plastic package in English, containing 20 milk chocolate crosses. Upon inspection with electron microscope, each cross was revealed to have engraved it one random book from either the Old or New Testament. Flavor described as “heavenly” and “divine” by a subject, who notably had no knowledge of the candy’s contents.
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: BEEF! Aluminum can, similar to a soup can. In formatting, package appeared similar to a normal can, although all information or characters were replaced by “BEEF! BEEF! BEEF!” repeated. Can contained pinkish meat, which was revealed to be uncooked beef. Taste described as “nothing special” and “could use spices” when cooked.
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: “Mint Fish”: Plain paper envelope, dual packaging in Russian and Navajo. Package contained unidentifiable light green powder. When added to cold water, powder immediately formed into the shape of a small goldfish, same color as the powder. This wriggled enthusiastically in the water and proved difficult to catch, similar to a living fish. The creature stopped moving only when removed from the water and slammed against a hard surface several times. Described when eaten as “like biting into a wet rubber ball, only it tasted like toothpaste… I don’t think I would try it again.”
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: “TASTE ME”: A transparent plastic box containing a single slice of white cake. No ingredients or information other then the title were listed. Item was tasted by a class-D personnel, who, after consuming the product, immediately went into convulsions, and shortly thereafter collapsed and died. Autopsy showed that the subject had become seven inches taller and grown in mass by 13.6%, and that death and seizures were due to expansion of the brain. Analysis of the cake showed large amounts of human growth hormone as well as several unidentified chemicals.
Name: Agent Talmor
Date: April 18, 2009
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A bottle of purple liquid labelled "Tentacle Grape." Packaging was identical to our world's beverage of the same name in formatting, but apart from the product name, the script was unknown.
I'm forwarding this one to Dr. Rights. If she wants to experiment with it, that's her decision; I have no wish to risk being molested by a soft drink. - Agent Talmor
Name: Doctor King
Date: April 19, 2009
Money entered: 1 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Single seed. Tests revealed it as apple.
Money entered: 2 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Two seeds, also apple.
Money entered: 3 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Three seeds. Apple again.
Money entered: 1000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: One thousand apple seeds. Similar tests were undertaken for the remainder of the day, resulting in apple seeds every time. Several complaints were issued against Doctor King, complaining that he had "broken" this SCP. The machine was left alone for the night and approached again in the morning by another researcher.
Name: Agent Sciutto
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: "Ladypax". Several small snack cakes wrapped in brown paper, labelled in slightly out-of-date Japanese with an unusual amount of English loanwords. Cake was chocolate with "vaguely berry-ish" filling. Consumption by female subject resulted in immediate commencing of that subject's menstruation, despite the fact that it was not due for another week.
Money entered: 1000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: "Prangles". Item resembles in almost every way a standard tube of Pringles, Sour Cream and Onion flavour. The only difference in appearance is in the mascot on the box - he has red skin and takes on a vaguely demonic look. Acting on a hunch, Agent Sciutto refrained from consuming these herself and instead tested them on a Class D subject. It was revealed that once the lid of the Prangles is unsealed, or "popped", the subject is literally unable to prevent herself from eating the chips continuously. Moreover, the tube appears to be bottomless in nature, as the subject has been eating for several days at time of writing and shows no sign of slowing down. While the chips appear to be normal Pringles, the side-effects of such an unhealthy diet are already starting to manifest. This is the second subject to be tested; the first one continued eating even after termination, and the tube had to be forcibly removed from her grasp.
Name: Doctor King
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Three hundred apple seeds. The same product results whenever Doctor King, or an individual who has been asked to do the test for Doctor King, activates the machine. It it as yet unclear why this might be, or whether it may be evidence of sentience on the part of the machine.
Name: Agent Denton
Date: 05/20/09
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Ye Olde Chips Ahoy! - Standard bag of chocolate chip cookies, in blue, shiny wrapping. Labeled in what appears to be Elizabethan English. Cookies tasted fine. Chewy.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: X-treme Chips - Yellow bag with no labeling or nutrition facts save for a gigantic red "X" on the front. Opened cautiously to find nothing more than standard potato chips. Fed chips to D-Class 24045-06, whose voice immediately grew deeper and requested this agent join him in extreme sport activities such as surfboarding, mountain climbing, and bungee jumping. Request was denied.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Viagra Soda - [DATA EXPUNGED]
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Sewage Soup - Following the incident with Rebecca, received green, murky liquid of objectionable odor, contained in a pleasingly labeled container. Nutrition facts written in unknown language. Gave the liquid to D-Class 24045-06, who had been in the process of leaping from table to table. D-Class 24045-06 deceased immediately upon ingestion.
Name: Agent Theta
Date: 05/21/09
Money entered: 50 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Maxwell House Artificial Coffee Drink - 355 ml navy blue can with the Maxwell House Logo prominently displayed on upper half. Lower half shows steaming cup of coffee and coffee beans. Ingredients listed as water, artificial flavor, and sucrose. 10 calories. The taste is bitter, a little worse than instant coffee. Drink is not produced by Maxwell House after product research.
Money entered: 100 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Chocolate Covered Fich [sic] For Great Enjoyment in Your Mouth! Small sardine can with key. Label shows molten chocolate with fish falling into it. While attempting to open can, the key broke on the tab, leaving the can partially open about a 1 cm on one end. A faint smell of chocolate and fish. Attempted use of a standard can opener failed. Use of a hacksaw, angle-grinder, and plasma cutter failed. Sent to lab for testing.
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Plain Cardboard Box with rip-top opening, 5 x 5 x 10 cm, 2.5 kg. No labeling anywhere on packaging. Box seems to be filled with soil or sand from the sounds and feel of it. After relocating object to lab, attempted opening by Class D personnel. Upon pulling of rip-top the apparent expulsion of sand and unfinished diamonds ensued. Object filled lab to a depth of approx. 0.5 m until it exhausted itself. Apparent volume is 50 m3 of material. Shovels, buckets, dump truck, and additional Class D personnel requested for immediate transfer to larger lab for analysis. Box seems normal in dimensions after cursory inspection.
Name: Agent Blank
Date: 05/22/09
Money entered: 100 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Foil-packaged object labeled in an unknown language. Packaging depicts stereotypical 'grey' aliens in a classic 'flying saucer' type vehicle, except that the vehicle lacks a top. One of the characters is firing a green energy weapon. Contained within is essentially what is depicted on the packaging. After being exposed, the object began to fly about the lounge, firing a purple jelly-like substance at Agent Blank for approximately two minutes before landing and becoming inactive. The jelly reportedly tasted like "orange marmalade with a vaguely minty aftertaste." The object and its inhabitants were described as being "firm but chewy. Kind of fruity." Analysis revealed the object to consist primarily of corn syrup.
Name: Agent Linman
Date: 05/22/09
Money entered: 1500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Small paper envelope packaged in an unknown language. Package depicts small laughing children firing model rockets through a small ring. The object inside the envelope was a brown ring made of an indeterminate material, with a diameter of roughly 15 centimeters. A small metal block measuring exactly one cm3 was placed on the examination table, and the ring was lowered over it. The block promptly disappeared. Upon further examination, it was found partially embedded in the room's ceiling. Object appears to accelerate things placed in it.
Comment: How in the hell does this even remotely constitute a "snack food," in this or any other reality?! - Dr. S████
Money entered: 1500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A red mushroom with blue spots, resembling no other species of fungus. When fed to D24046-19, he claimed to be "[sic] totally tripping balls", and then told us to "be quiet, my show is on". For a duration of one hour, he was no longer reactant to any kind of sensory input, alternately laughing and crying without correlation to external stimuli. When he awoke, we were informed that he had no idea what he had seen, but "it appeared to be some sort of sitcom".
Money entered: 1 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A small bag of sand.
Comment: What, is the machine providing snacks for Hortas? - Agent Talmor
Name: Agent Chalice
Date: ██/██/████
Money entered: 100000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: [DATA EXPUNGED]. Item has been detained and is being tested for sentience. Agent Chalice detained for seven days for contamination testing. Both tests turn up negative. Agent Chalice released from detainment along with [DATA EXPUNGED]. He claims it was delicious; "Light, but with a burst of flavor". Agent Chalice expresses desires for more and depression when request was denied.
Comment: Please note that from now on, it is forbidden to put more than 5000 yen in the machine without making an experiment request. - O-██
Name: Dr. G. A████
Date: 08/06/2009
Money entered: 100 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A lavishly illustrated menu for "Big Bub's House of Subs". Further investigation revealed that the photographs of the various menu items were flavored like the items they represented. Nutrient content was typical for moderate quality restaurant fare.
Comment: A bit dry, and not very filling. Still, the 57-inch dolphin sub was a treat. -GA
Name: Dr. Sorenssen
Date: 08/18/2009
Money entered: 100 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: "Cadbury's Extra Dark with Peppers". Appeared to be an ordinary dark chocolate bar with bits of chipotle peppers mixed in. Spicy, but good. Not known to be produced.
Name: Dr. Sorenssen
Date: 08/18/2009
Money entered:250 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A blue and yellow 500 ml metal can with a screw-on cap, labeled "Dr. Belcher's Magical Flashing Bug Juice". Can contains a carbonated neon green liquid which emits occasional flashes of bright indigo light. Testing reveals no radioactivity or electromagnetic emissions outside the indigo band. No nutrition information printed on the can. Tastes strongly of tangelos, quite refreshing.
Comment: It's refreshing alright, but having to pee every hour on the hour for two days gets a little old! - MLS
Name: Agent Schism
Date: 08/18/2009
Money entered: 2500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item Description: A can of fermented beverage labeled as ''Unobtrusion Beer'', the ingredients list unreadable. The surface of the can was covered with a sort of moire pattern, resulting in several subjects complaining of 'crossed eyes'. Due to the mildly unnatural moire surface of the can, testing was requested and permitted to determine SCP-085's reaction to the label.
When introduced to the label of the can, SCP-085 immediately began to weave strangely across the surface, seeming lost and confused. The label was removed from the tin and laid flat, with blank paper surrounding it on all sides, until SCP-085 eventually stumbled onto the edge of the sheet and promptly vomited. It is requested that SCP-085 be given sufficient time to recuperate before requesting an illustration of the effects. Testing of the can's contents are withheld until SCP-085 has recovered.
Name: Agent Palhinuk
Date: 09/4/2009
Money entered: 1000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: Agent Orange Sherbert: a small, single serving ice cream container, printed in obscure working-class French, with a cartoon secret agent on it, complete with a trench coat, fedora, and black sunglasses, giving a thumbs up, and saying "Good enough to die twice for!". Given to D-2348 for testing. Subject took a bite and claimed "tastes like really rich orange sorbet with a vanilla cream hint to it, like eating a dreamsicle". Subject later complained of minor back pain, but reported that he was fine the next day.
Date: 09/4/2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: Crybaby Sour Candies: a small, cardboard box with a rip-and-lift lid, similar to a box of Lemonheads. Box label is printed in English, however ingredients and information on back of box is illegible, bright blue in color, with a caricature of a little girl with tears in her eyes and a wide, somewhat disturbing grin. Candies are multicolored and appear to be small, spiked hard candies. One is given to D-3859 to try, who immediately spits it out, claiming she "hates sour stuff!" Agent Palhinuk obliges to try, having an affinity for sour candy. Agent Palhinuk tries one, red in color. Within seconds of ingestion, Agent's Palhinuk's eyes begin to water and his face contorts into an almost cartoonish pucker. After swallowing, Palhinuk's face returns to normal, claiming "the best damn sour candy I've had in years!" Palhinuk finished the box. For the next week, Palhinuk complains that he cannot taste anything.
Date: 09/4/2009
Money entered: 1500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: Mr Q's Cumbersome Soda Bottle: a small, plastic bottle, clear with a minty greenish tint, with an odd stopper in the neck of the bottle. When tilted normally to drink, the cola hits the stopper and won't flow. Through an hour of testing, the stopper is discovered to only to work when the bottle is tilted at a right angle while being rotated from the bottom of the bottle and shaken slightly. Soda tasted by Agent Palhinuk, said to have tasted refreshing and remarkably tasty.
Date: 09/4/2009
Money entered: 2500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item Description: Nuka-Cola Atomic Rush: average-sized clear glass bottle, similar to classic soda bottles, only the words Nuka-Cola Atomic Rush printed on the bottle in English. Contents are bright orange in color and glow in the dark. Agent Palhinuk stares at it for a few seconds, before finding the nearest Geiger counter. Soda is found to have trace amounts of radiation, though not enough to render it harmful. Soda is given to D-3518 to try. After ingestion, subject claims it is extremely sweet with a citrus flavor, and has a bit of a bitter aftertaste to it. Subject then complained of a migraine headache for the next few hours, almost rendered incapacitated by the severity. When tested, soda contained a previously-unknown radioactive isotope of ██████ium, as well as three times as much sugar as a standard market energy drink, as well as a high amount of taurine and guarana. Soda is withheld for further testing on the isotope located within.
Name: Dr. Nioki
Money entered: 10 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A 12 oz beverage can of "American Air." Emblazoned with an American flag that circles the can, notably displaying 48 stars instead of 50. A small caption on the back of the can reads as follows: "A real patriot knows not to breathe the same air as communists. A real patriot remembers. Let your love of freedom breathe freely, with American Air™." As expected, the can contains somewhat stale but otherwise normal air.
Money entered: 100 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A size 64 trilby style fedora composed of beef jerky. The object was flattened inside small cardboard box, with nutrition facts and a label reading "Meathat: Teriyaki Fedora," and the catchphrase "You can have your hat, and eat it too!" Consumed without incident, taste described as "a bit tough, but good." It is notable that size 64 hats are the largest regularly available, and the only size to fit on the researcher's head.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: An LP music album composed entirely of hard green sugar, in an airtight green plastic wrap. Packaging in Albanian, with a picture of a cellist and a pianist playing a duet. Playing the album resulted in an unrecognized piano/strings movement, with the LP uncoiling itself as the needle passed. Surprisingly, this did not seem to interfere with the balance of the LP or the phonograph machine in any way. A recording of the music is available on request. The LP was consumed by those attending the presentation, reportedly tasting like lime-flavored hard candy.
Money entered: 1000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: An olive green plastic bag of dried bay leaves. Packaging in ancient Greek, Delphic dialect, with the phrase "Pythia's Choice™ brand Bay Leaves." Three leaves were fed to subject D-3968. Subject reported loss of feeling in his limbs, displayed unusual vocal patterns, and seemed to be entering a trancelike state. Upon consuming two more leaves, the subject collapsed and went into convulsions, screaming apparent gibberish interspersed with ancient Greek of the same dialect displayed on the package. Subject continued to convulse for three minutes and twenty-four seconds, then became limp and unresponsive. Subject died two days afterward, with no signs of recovery. Analysis of leaves has shown an extremely high concentration of ethylene, a chemical compound known to cause the observed effects. How the subject spoke Greek is as yet unknown. The translation of the subject's outburst is largely nonsensical, reading [DATA EXPUNGED].
Comment: Okay, hallucinogenic bay leaves are fine. I can deal with hallucinogenic bay leaves. But why, will someone please tell me, is there an English trademark on this thing? - Dr. Nioki
Name: Dr. J.R. Fuller
Date: September 12, 2009
Money entered: 4 mon (coin circa mid-15th century Japan)
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Small red velvet pouch with intricate golden embroidery depicting various hiōgi fans. Bound with golden string. Opening the pouch revealed the contents to be little more than dust. Analysis of dust reveals it to consist of dessicated rice, red beans, shrimp and soybeans, originating from approximately the same era as the currency used.
Comment: Damned thing has a sense of humor. I wonder if I can get my money back. That coin was a collector's item. -Fuller
Name: Dr. T. Griffe
Date: 10/01/2009
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Cylinder labeled "Aunt Annie's Fruity Fibers: Blue Raspberry Beret," packaging text written in English, French, and Hawaiian. Packaging encourages customers to try other available flavors, including "Grape Gloves," "Mint Mittens," and "Cherry Cowl." Contents were one skein of sweet-smelling blue yarn, a pair of knitting needles, and a sheet of paper containing instructions for knitting a simple hat. Sampling the end of the "yarn" proved it to be edible, though described as "chewy and a little dry," with a raspberry flavor. Dr. Griffe was able to knit the hat described in the pattern, and reported that the "yarn" behaved similarly to a wool blend.
Name: Dr. Stokes
Date: 10/05/2009
Money entered: 1 counterfeit 500 yen coin (minted on site, otherwise identical to authentic article), accepted by SCP-261
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: After a delay of approximately 3 seconds, an unmarked, opaque white cellophane package was dispensed. Package contained candies similar to "Gummi Bears," but shaped like human hands with extended middle fingers. Dr. Stokes was unwilling to consume item, which he interpreted as a threat. Testing revealed candy contained lethal amounts of potassium cyanide.
On 10/09/2009, Dr. ████████ ran a sequential experiment with an unpowered SCP-261, attempting to discern just how quickly the machine would start to dispense "bizarre" objects. All vended items were tested via D-class personnel for safety reasons. All comments were added after observation of D-class personnel for four hours to observe effects.
Name: Dr. ████████
Date: 10/09/2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: A soft drink can labeled "Cokepsi Zero" with a color scheme that appears to be a mash-up of the Coke and Pepsi zero-calorie product labels. D-class personnel reported it to taste like a mix of Coke and Pepsi, and a definite taste of aspartame. Ingredients list on can appear to be a mix of Coke and Pepsi ingredients. No special effects noted.
Comment: It appears that while the initial vended item is strange, it is relatively harmless. Of course, given the seeming inherent randomness of SCP-261, this probably does not hold true in all situations. -Dr. ████████
Name: Dr. ████████
Date: 10/09/2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: A larger than normal can, the label declaring it to be a normal variety of canned corn that can be found in grocery stores. Upon opening, can was revealed to contain hot, melted butter and two stunted corncobs. The can showed no signs of being warm to the touch from the outside. D-class personnel that opened the can declared it to be "delicious", and requested a toothpick after consuming it. Request granted. Butter cooled off normally. Later reported of stomach and bowel pain from D-class personnel prompted termination and autopsy, revealing the presence of popped corn kernels within his gastrointestinal tract.
Comment: Second vended item possibly dangerous, but unlikely to be overtly fatal. -Dr. ████████
Name: Dr. ████████
Date: 10/09/2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: An unlabeled object that resembles a mark 2 "pineapple" fragmentation hand grenade. Testing area evacuated as a precaution. D-class personnel sent in to retrieve item under surveillance, expressing concern. Object appeared to be safe. Object was moved to a blast chamber. D-class personnel ordered to remove pin, throw and evacuate, and complies reluctantly. Object explodes in the corner of the blast chamber in a "puff of sugar" and several high velocity fragments. Blast chamber coated in varying amounts of granulated sugar. Metal fragments observed in walls. It was noted that upon entering a taste of sugar could be definitely observed. No harmful effects noted.
Comment: Third item seems to have a large probability of being hazardous. -Dr. ████████
Name: Dr. ████████
Date: 10/09/2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: A 6-inch-long figurine of SCP-682, which upon being removed from the vending machine (with Dr. ████████ at a safe distance) became animate and started to do an apparent barbershop routine, dancing with a suddenly materializing cane and hat upon the counter. Music came from an unidentified source and resembled a standard barbershop routine, but those present were unable to place the singers. Nearby security personnel ████ ██████ opened fire upon the figurine in a panic. Bullets observed to cause no effect, being absorbed into the figurine. Figurine stopped dancing and music ceased after approximately two minutes, falling lifeless after a final pose. Item not consumed, but tests revealed it to be made of caramel. Further chemical analysis revealed that the caramel was contaminated with large amounts of arsenic and ricin poison. Item also contained intact, expended 9mm JHP rounds, having apparently "healed" the wounds but not removed the bullets. Item disposed of.
Comment: Fourth item… is probably entirely unfit for human consumption. Officer ████ ██████ was not reported, given that I think I'd react the same way after seeing something like… that. -Dr. ████████
Name: Dr. ████████
Date: 10/09/2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: A box of Oreos. Box appeared normal. As a precaution, box moved to blast chamber. Upon being opened by D-class personnel, [DATA EXPUNGED]. Two security officers wounded. Heavy damage reported to blast chamber. Blast chamber covered in remnants of cookies, including a large amount of frosting.
Comment: Okay, I think I'm done here. -Dr. ████████
Name: Researcher PTL
Date: October 13, 2009
Money entered: 10-yen note (minted circa 1943)
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Chocolate 5 1/4" Floppy disk, later inspection reveals it to be formatted for the Japanese MSX Computer. Performing a read/write test with aforementioned computers did not melt or affect the disk in any way, despite the fact that the internal temperature of the computer would have been enough to melt chocolate. Eating it, it tasted like any other milk chocolate bar.
Name: Researcher Crack
Date: 11/13/09
Money entered: 450 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: "Malinalxochitl's Xocolatl." A small aluminum can, with a label in what appears to be the Aztec language, illustrated with a stylized female mascot clad in traditional Meso-American dress smiling and holding up a cup emitting steam. Bottom of can has self-heating filament; activating it heats the liquid. Tastes faintly of chocolate, but is bitter and slightly spicy.
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: "Philosopher's Figs 'n Honey." A small lidded ceramic box similar in style to ancient Greek pottery. The Greek label indicated there was a "special Philosopher prize" inside. Box was separated by a ceramic divide down the center. One half contained honey, and the other half contained several fresh figs. Honey described as "clovery", figs described as being "juicy" and "like they were just picked moments ago." The prize inside was a miniature marble bust of Plato.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: "FairyFairy [sic] Alchemy Coins." A white package of cracker-like medallions, quarter-sized, with alchemical symbols inscribed on their surfaces. Label, which is in Middle English, has a few cartoon fairies waving magic wands over the crackers. Crackers containing gold and silver had their innards extracted. D-class ate the cracker shells of both and noted that they were similar in taste and texture to saltines. Other crackers contained vitriol, hydrochloric acid, antimony, mercury, and lead.
Name: Dr. Zara
Date: 11/26/09
Money entered: 535 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: "Mandel-Brötchen". While the name would suggest bread, the actual product inside is a set of four dry chocolate cookies in fractal shapes. This fractal pattern is repeated down to the atomic structure of the cookies' surface. A warning on the package states that the cookies must be dipped in water or milk prior to eating to avoid damage to the mouth and throat.
Money entered: 400 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: "Turduchoken". Balls of fried turkey, each containing a smaller ball of fried duck containing a chocolate candy with a fried chicken center. Flavor described as "delicious in an amusement fair way". Labeling describes the product as containing 450% the amount of saturated fat required by an adult human.
Money entered: 800 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: "Eucharistia". Logo in Greek, rest of package information in Latin. Contains fifteen communion wafers and a flexible package with 100 ml of red wine. Text claims contents to have been blessed by Pope ████ XVI.
Money entered: 1000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: "Astro Chicken". Tofu/algae bar with strong chicken flavoring. Contains a fourth of regular human dietary needs, evenly balanced. Fabrication date on package is ██/██/21██.
Name: Dr. Graham
Date: 11/28/09
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: "Meal Explosion Nugget!" A thumb-sized red plastic container, shaped like a pill, marked with English logo and Portuguese instructions and nutrition facts in extremely small print. D-class determined that the container could be split in to two along the center by unscrewing it, revealing a wrinkled and dry brown mass. The D-class attempted to eat the item before the instructions could be read but was unable to chew it. After instructions deciphered, the nugget was dropped in to a coffee mug filled with boiling hot water; the nugget absorbed the water and erupted in to a gelatinous, 'meat'-flavored mass. This process was recorded on fast-motion cameras and is being analyzed. Savory, high in cholesterol and protein. Similar to beef stock with stronger texture.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: "Piscina." A soda can packaged by the Coca-Cola Company. English labelling and logo. Nutrition facts note high in Omega 3 fatty acids. Ingredients list fish oils prominently. D-class opened, consumed. Texture of chicken soup, tastes like fresh salmon; verified by researcher. Strange but pleasant.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: A cardboard box, 0.9 m x 0.9 m x 0.6 m, with a picture of a human molar tooth on blue background on the front. Unknown pictographic script similar to Aztec. Opening the box revealed a tooth, full scale, approximately 5 centimeters long. D-class reluctant to consume but was convinced. Essentially a jawbreaker; chemical analysis confirms. The 'pulp' of the tooth is a sweet fruit syrup. Aside from shape, not chemically unusual.
Money entered: 5000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: A glass perfume vial filled with artificially flavored human sweat. Chemical analysis revealed high levels of human pheromones and nutmeg flavoring. Essentially a mild aphrodisiac. No labeling.
Money entered: 10000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: "Drinky Bird." A tin can with no pop-top, with a paper label of an ortolan drinking from a liquor bottle. Contained a fattened ortolan drowned in brandy. D-class refused to eat it at first, but was cajoled through appeals to machismo. Chemical analysis revealed nothing awry.
Name: Dr. Kald
Date: 2 December, 2009
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: "Dr. Explosion's Super Radical Chips (Mega-Sweet)". Pop-top plastic can, clear plastic. Paper label depicting a bright red-and-yellow explosion, item's name emblazoned semi-diagonally over this explosion in jet black. Letters appeared to be on fire (also black). Contained twenty (20) round cookies, bright orange in colour. Smelled heavily of paprika and nacho cheese. Three (3) chips given to a randomly assigned D-Class, ordered to consume them one by one as ordered.
Subject ate first chip. Appeared 'giddy' and active, smiling widely and bobbing his head as if listening to music. Ordered to eat second chip. Effects increased. Ordered to eat third chip. Subject started erratically running around, flailing his arms and screaming in joy, doing flick-flacks, pinwheels, backflips, etc.
Subject consumed a fourth chip. Briefly expressed shock, muttered "I fenk muh hearf's esploding" (literal transcript) and collapsed, while [DATA EXPUNGED]. Autopsy revealed that the subject's heart had, indeed, exploded.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: "Birdie-O Singing Cookies". Plastic tear-open bag, black in colour, several cartoon-styled bird's heads adorning it. Contained several crackers, all in the shape of several species of bird's heads (heavily simplified). All crackers had the corresponding bird's name written in them, suffixed with "y-O" (e.g. Robiny-O, Owly-O, Finchy-O). When consumed, the eater heard the corresponding bird's cry or singing in their head for several hours.
Note: In retrospect, I should've known better than to eat the 'Gully-o'. -Dr. Kald
Money entered: Five (5) 2-euro coins, reduced to the exact dimensions of 100-yen coins with a grinder.
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered (it should be noted that there was a short lapse in testing to acquire these coins)
Item description: Long, hexagonal box, bright red in colour. No visible markings. Fold-open top. When opened, exactly 1316 1-yen coins shot out at rapid speed, all impacting Dr. Kald's face. Afterwards, a small brass sphere was launched out, impacting squarely in the middle of Kald's forehead. No other items were in the box.
Note: Interesting… Best of luck with the bruises, Kald. -Dr. █████████
Name: Dr. Graham
Date: 12/13/09
Money entered: 800 yen.
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered.
Item description: A beeswax hexagonal prism - like a 'cell' in a honeycomb - about 6 cm deep with edges about 3 cm - about the size of a single-serving yogurt cup. The hexagonal surface was stamped with a bas relief of a cartoon bee with Russian text translated to 'Springtime Syrup'. Nutrition facts were on the side. Contained puffed oats, each of which contained a small amount of fresh honey. Eaten by the researcher, with a sample saved for later analysis. Delicious.
Money entered: 400 yen.
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered.
Item description: A tremendous, writhing gummi worm about a foot long and a centimeter thick. Ceased to move when cut at the tip. Dissection revealed three long fibers running down the length of the gummi, of an unknown substance. Put aside for later analysis, not eaten.
Money entered: 200 yen.
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered.
Item description: A live, hairless, boneless guinea pig with nutrition facts tattooed along the right side in English. Contains unusually high levels of vitamins and minerals. Contains unknown nutritional supplement 'Heliate' with no RDA. After killing the guinea pig, the researcher attempted to remove a limb for consumption, but inexpertise led to the abdominal cavity being breached, revealing that it contained a green savory custard where its organs would be expected. Delicious.
Money entered: 100 yen.
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered.
Item description: "Stan-Fizz." Standard-shaped soda can. English text, Coca-Cola bottling company. Green and purple color scheme on the logo, unknown substance 'standis' listed in the ingredients list, in the form of 'Artificial flavor of standis'. Presumably no actual standis in the beverage. Drunk by the researcher. Tasted like grape soda and champagne.
Money entered: 175 yen.
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered.
Item description: Vended a polaroid picture of the researcher caught flinching as they pressed the vend button. Printed on rice paper. Edible but tasted terrible.
Name: Agent Green
Date: December 14, 2009
Money entered: 50 yen
SCP-261 state: Powered
Item description: Packaging designed to resemble a prepubescent human female, scale-accurate (its "height" was estimated at 15 cm), hairless and devoid of any orifices, with writing determined to be a hybrid of Aramaic and an unidentified script along its top side. Smell described as ham with unknown spices. Agent was about to attempt breach of packaging when the arm and leg structures wrapped around his finger, so instead item was forced into a plastic bag. He reported later that "it was too real".
Money entered: 100 yen
SCP-261 state: Powered
Item description: Packaging resembled pudding cup of unknown manufacture. Writing in Irken save a single Q in red on the lid. On opening, agent discovered gelatin resembling Jell-O brand lime-flavored gelatin, with internal luminescence from an unknown source. A Class D in the room at the time expressed interest in a sample of it for tasting; on consumption of sample, the Class D fell to the floor and went into seizures. Later analysis revealed trace amounts of three known biohazards.
Money entered: 100 yen
SCP-261 state: Unpowered
Item description: A lemon, unpeeled, with no writing. Once peeled, scent was reported to be orange. Edible, though reported as tasting like "watered-down tree bark".
Name: Researcher Pyotr Tyenkrovy
Date: 12/26/09
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Fruit Gushers, in typical packaging for the brand: small plastic bags in a cardboard box. Packaging described flavor as "Aquamarine Tsunami". Research confirmed that Betty Crocker does not manufacture this flavor. D-████ ordered to eat a piece. Taste described as very similar to seawater. After consumption, D-████ complained of slightly excessive salivation, but claimed to not feel thirsty for several hours afterwards. No ill aftereffects found.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Simple, metallic box, 3 cm³, with seemingly random lines etched into the surface, perpendicular and parallel to the edges of the box, and a single red lit button on one face. Also present on the box is writing suspected to be a form of [DATA EXPUNGED]. Testing of the box reveals it to be composed of an unidentified metallic alloy with faint magneto-repulsive properties. Pressing the button opened the box, revealing what testing showed to be a coherent cube of an unknown type of energy. D-████ ordered to ingest a piece of the cube, easily sliced off with a knife. D-████ reported the portion had no taste, per se, but likened it to the sensation of touching one's tongue to a 9-volt battery. After consumption, subject reported feeling slightly hyper, similar to the effects of consuming caffeine.
Money entered: 100 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Small plastic pack, labeled as "Pop Asteroids", similar to the known candy, "Pop Rocks"; contents of bag resembled said Pop Rocks. At the request of Researcher Tyenkrovy, D-████ proceeded to eat them. The candy began bounce around in subject's mouth at increasing velocities, until [REDACTED]. Medical teams were able to keep D-████ from bleeding to death or asphyxiating via inhaling own blood, but surgery to restore the mouth was not approved, citing a waste of resources so close to the end of the month.
Name: Agent Kelka
Date: December 27, 2009
Money entered: 490 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Red plastic container labeled HONOR DUEL. Package contained what appeared to be a pair of action figures resembling samurai, one black in coloration, the other red. Upon opening of the package, the "samurai" stood and attacked each other. After a short battle, the black samurai decapitated the red one, gave a cry of victory, and vanished. Subsequent analysis of the red samurai revealed it to be made of rock candy, with a raspberry flavor.
Name: Dr. Lum
Date: 23/01/10
Money Entered: 3000 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A small violin case, roughly the size of a standard mobile phone, with no markings anywhere on it. When opened, was found to contain a miniature violin, chin rest, bow, and rosin. All items were composed of gummy candy. Researcher reported hearing a single violin for several minutes after consumption, "as if I were playing the violin, you know?"
Money Entered: 500 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Two (2) Standard Triple-A Batteries, emblazoned with eye-catching, untranslatable symbols. Otherwise completely normal.
Money Entered: 1000 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A single Tic Tac, white in colour. Testing revealed that this Tic Tac had the nutritional content of a standard-size packet of Tic-tacs, as well as [DATA EXPUNGED]. The item was destroyed with minimal damage sustained (a single bruised elbow), and testing halted.
Name: Dr. Adler
*Date:02/02/10
Repeated test of ten trials, with interval of 1 minute between attempts. Coins used were retrieved from a Coca-Cola brand vending machine outside the [DATA EXPUNGED].
Money Entered For Each Vend: 65 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Items vended:
Tests 1-3: Cans of Coca-Cola, with varying Japanese labeling schemes. Contents are chemically identical to current Coke formula.
Test 4: Diet "Koke". The other text on the can is written in a pidgin language apparently derived from Chinese and Japanese.
Test 5: A can of "Coca-Cola Clear". Label glows in the dark, and top of can has a holo-foil advertisement for an unknown animated film.
Test 6: Caramelized coca leaves. Very strong aroma of mint. Class D who ingested it showed symptoms of a mild coca overdose, but no other response.
Test 7: Container shattered upon vending. Appears to have been a glass container filled with a brownish gas. Bottle was fully sealed, lacking lid or cap.
Test 8: "Lemony and buttErific Dragon Delite!". An uncooked ear of yellow corn molded into the shape of a Chinese dragon. Microwaving resulted in it "breathing" a stream of molten butter into the internals of the microwave, causing a fire.
Test 9: "Bottled lightning". An apparently-empty glass bottle that serves as a powerful Ledyen jar. The class D who opened it experienced a near-fatal electric shock upon opening. Subject reported "tasting" temperatures for an hour thereafter.
Test 10: A can of "Coa-Cola". The class D used to perform the analysis expired shortly after opening the can. Analysis indicates that the beverage contained carbon monoxide, rather than dioxide.
Note: Further support for the hypothesis that the item vended is strongly biased by the input coins. -Dr. Adler
Name: Dr. Edison
Date: 20/03/10
Money Entered: 3000 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Blue wrapped candy bar labeled "Ninja Bar" in Japanese. Ingredients and nutrition information were consistent with standard chocolate, with the addition of "Ninja" being listed as an additional ingredient. Dr. Edison opened the packaging, when a tall, unidentified Japanese man in what was described as a "Ninja Costume" suddenly burst through the testing room door, let loose a battle cry, and punched Dr. Edison in the stomach. Dr. Edison was not seriously injured, and made a full recovery minutes later. The man was apprehended by Foundation personnel, but disappeared when unobserved. Security footage confirms the entire incident. The rest of the item was found to be ordinary chocolate, and did not have any additional properties when consumed by D-Class subject.
Name: Dr. Kald
Date: 6/4/2010
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: 10X10X10 centimeter cube, no packaging, similar in appearance to black glass (material examination proved inconclusive, possibly an unknown material, definitely not glass). Contained a sphere, diameter of 8 centimeters. Sphere contained a pyramid, one side of base measured at 6 centimeters. Pyramid contained a hexagonal prism, 4 centimeters between outer sides. Prism contained another cube, 2 centimeters. Second cube contained another sphere, 1 centimeter across. Second sphere contained second pyramid, 0.5 centimeters across, and so on and so forth. Chain presumably continued past the molecular level.
Sphere fed to a randomly picked D-Class. Subject's head collapsed in on itself.
Well, that ruined a perfectly good labcoat. - Dr. Kald
Name: Dr. Edison
Date: 20/03/10
Money Entered: 100 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: x1 glass bottle depicting a fire-breathing skull, labeled: "Doctor Diablo's Omega Sauce". The liquid contained within appears to be similar to Tabasco sauce, but constantly emits ███ Watts/Meter3 worth of heat, making it unfit for human consumption. Attempts to utilize this as a source of energy are ongoing.
Name: Dr. Heller, attended by Class-D Personnel
Date: 25/05/10
Money entered: 500 Yen
Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: "Gigawatt Sour" - Packaging and contents resembling that of a Lemonhead or similar sour hard candy, though lacking any nutritional or ingredient information. D-Class was successfully convinced to taste the item, and reported it to be lemon-flavored. Aftertaste described as 'like touching your tongue to a battery'.
Money entered: 1500 Yen
Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: "Snapple" - A seemingly normal Granny Smith, with a small, hand-written tag attached to the stem. Further examination revealed the center to be composed of solid tin.
Comment: …what? -Dr. Heller
Name: Researcher Crack
Date: 02/06/10
Money entered: 696 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A small can with a pull tab similar to █████████ brand soup containers with a light blue label reading "Baade and Zwicky's Condensed Neutron Fizz" superimposed over a field of stars. Item was shared between Researcher Crack and Agent Yoric, and reported to contain a glowing white liquid with a thick syrupy texture and mild carbonation. Item reportedly tastes "like mystery Airheads and amazing."
Name: Doctor Kald
Date: 03/06/10
Money entered: 2000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Brown box with white lint. Image on the front a small man, made out of chocolate, with a (frankly enormous and oversized in proportion to the body) chocolate penis, visibly erect and dripping with a white fluid (upon retrieval of box, Dr. Kald was heard muttering "I sure hope that's white chocolate…"). Small man was giving a thumbs-up and smiling, kanji on the box freely translated as "Yummy Face Rape Man!"
Note: Word around the site has it that no, it wasn't white chocolate. Dr. B███████
Name: Doctor Sorennsen
Date: 06/08/10
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Plain white waxed-paper wrapping, marked "Kake" in large black lettering. Contained a rectangular piece of pink cake, smelling faintly of raspberries. Nutrition information was written in Telugu, with company contact info in Russian. Data corresponded to no known company. Contents fed to a D-class test subject, who reported that it was "sickly sweet, but not exactly awful". Test subject experienced severe flatulence for the subsequent week.
Name: Agent Bibs
Date:7/1/10
Money entered: 430 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: "Chūseishi Bēkon", in a plastic bag. Artwork on the front depicts an anthropomorphic piece of bacon being crushed between two heavy rocks. Bag contains approximately 50 bite-size objects which appear and smell vaguely bacon-like.
Upon one piece being fed to a D-Class, the subject immediately clutched his stomach and collapsed onto the floor. Examination of the D-Class's stomach contents revealed that his stomach had become extremely distended and full (approximately 3.9 liters by volume) with cooked bacon.
"These things are great for when I'm in the field. Gotta cut 'em up really tiny, but if you're precise with it, they make great snacks." - MrB
Name: Dr. Zara
Date: 08/06/10
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Apparently a standard Hershey's brand chocolate bar, with the packaging text written backwards, as if reflected in a mirror. The chirality of all amino acids and sugars in the chocolate bar is the opposite of that of Earth-life organic compounds.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: "Dante's". 750g package of biscuits with nine distinct circular, concentric layers. Packaging claims contents to "Taste like Hell!"
Money entered: 1500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A live crab inside a plastic container. The crab escaped the container and caused a brief altercation before being recaptured. Biology and taste match common Portunus trituberculatus.
Name: Dr. Heller
Date: 11/05/2010
Money entered: 100 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: An after-dinner mint in unmarked plastic wrapping. Produced an audible hum. Was consumed by Class-D without incident.
Money entered: 1500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: "Ietday-Okecay" - Diet Coca-cola brand soda. Tests reveal contents to be ordinary. Packaging written entirely in 'pig latin'.
Class-D present won't stop talking in pig latin now. Wasn't an effect of the cola; they're just idiots. -Dr. Heller
Name: Researcher Crack
Date: 12/14/2010
Money entered: 185 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: "Mixed Newts." A resealable can identical to a can of [REDACTED] brand mixed nuts, save for all instances of the word "nuts" replaced with the word "newts." Can contained several specimens of roasted newts. D-Class ate several of the newts with no ill effects. Product is not manufactured by the [REDACTED] company.
Name: Dr. Dahij
Date:██████
Money entered: 750 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Hieroglyphs of unknown origin depicting brightly-colored autocannibalism. Tasted like sweet pork, chewy texture.
Name: Dr. Scranton
Date: 1/16/2011
Money entered: 1000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: "Dehydrated Water". Small, empty plastic blue package with a stylized drop of water. On the back were instructions written in German and Dutch. The directions instructed the user to empty the package above a large bucket containing one liter of water and stir. When the instructions were followed, an additional 0.5 liters of water appeared in the bucket. Somewhat bitter.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: "Broken God Mix". A medium-sized bag of pretzel bits shaped like gears, springs, rods, and other clockwork components. The package depicts a smiling, winking figure seemingly made out of clockwork giving a "Thumbs up" sign. The food itself was salty and difficult to chew.
Name: Dr. Opus
Date: 2/21/2011
Money entered: 1500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Small pill bottle with writing on it in an unknown language. Package depicts a cartoon image of a young boy biting into a squirming candy rat. Bottle contained ten (10) large pellets. One (1) pellet was given to a lab rat and subsequently eaten. The lab rat then fell asleep, after which all of the rat's tissues rapidly began transformation into various candy substances. Roughly ten minutes later, the rat awoke and seemed to be able to function normally despite all of its tissues being transformed into non-functional candy tissues. D-class instructed to eat the rat. Reported that the organs were replaced by a jelly candy substance, the blood seemed to be syrup, and bones were made of crystallized sugar. The taste of the candy was normal and as expected, and no adverse effects were reported. Remaining pellets placed in storage for later testing.
Name: Agent CarrionTrooper
Date: 03/03/2011
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A small disklike device wrapped in an unknown kind of fabric. Writing on fabric is unrecognizable. Device has a red button on the convex side of the disk. D-class instructed to push button in a blast-proof chamber. When the button was pushed, an audible hum was heard from the device for approximately ten seconds, before the button changed color to blue. The button ceased to function afterwards.
Maybe it came from a dimension where audio waves are considered a delicacy? - Agent CarrionTrooper
Name: Researcher ██████
Date: 03/03/2011
Money entered: 1000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Bright yellow and red plastic bag wrapping with the word “YEAAAAAH!!!” depicted in green on the packet. Package contains approximately twenty (20) brightly coloured pellets. Single pellet was fed to a D-class subject, who proceeded to yell for ██ minutes. Subject suffered extensive laryngeal trauma, but described the experience as enjoyable.
Name: Researcher Crack
Date: 03/17/2011
Money entered: 555 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: "Saint Patrick Snakeskin Pie." Product name is in English, the labels are in Irish Gaelic. Shrink-wrapped product resembles a small mince pie. Dissection of product showed that the center of the pie was filled with dried and salted snake meat of an unknown species. D-Class consumed product and reported a taste similar to very tough chicken.
Money entered: 555 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: A tall pink soda can without a label. Opening the can produced a sound similar to a grenade exploding, and inside was a fizzy transparent liquid. D-Class declined to drink the liquid after Researcher Crack spilled an amount on a table and small round objects grew from the plastic. Analysis indicated the objects were eggs containing fetal creatures resembling amphibians.
Name: Dr. █████
Date: 04/02/2011
Money entered: 1025 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Machine dispensed a cheap-looking flashlight and six colored lenses, each a different color of the rainbow. After an hour, during which a small group had gathered in an attempt to discover its purpose, Dr. █████ accidentally shone the flashlight on a nearby D-Class' face while the red lens was attached. Subject reported a vague taste of cherry. The other lenses were shown to cause tastes of orange, banana, lime, blueberry, and grape. Testing revealed the flashlight and lenses to be ordinary plastic.
Name: Dr. Garcia
Date: 19/06/2011
Money Entered: 600 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Glass bottle with cork stopper and paper label. Text on label consists mostly of characters in the Armenian alphabet but does not correspond to any identifiable words. Bottle contains a mixture of 30% ethyl alcohol, 45% eel blood (species unidentified), 25% water, with trace amounts of cedarwood resin and lead.
Money Entered: 600 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Cardboard box, dimensions approx. 5 cm x 6 cm x 3 cm. Label in Nahuatl language with a two-color illustration of an unknown breed of dog. Box contains a candied dog fetus.
Money Entered: 600 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: White cellophane envelope. Lettering on envelope reads "Aged meat product" in Gujarat language, phonetically transcribed into Hebrew alphabet. Envelope contains rotten, maggot-infested meat (probably avian in origin).
Money Entered: 600 Yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Pull-tab aluminium can labeled "BILLY BEER" and packaged in the same manner as novelty beer product produced by Falls City Brewing Company in the United States in the late 1970s. Can labeling includes the endorsement: "I had this beer brewed just for me. I think it's the best I've ever tasted. And I've tasted a lot. I think you'll like it too. Billy Carter." Can contains a liquid that appears to be beer. Dr. Garcia consumed same and reported symptoms of mild intoxication for the following 72 hours.
Name: Dr. Elias Hale
Date: 6-23-2011
Money entered: 150 "B yen", the military currency used in US-occupied Okinawa from 1948-1958.
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A cheeseburger with pickles and lettuce, identical to the same available from the ████████ restaurant chain.
Money entered: 150 B yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A hamburger with same, identical packaging
Money entered: 150 B yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A burrito with shredded lettuce, cheese, and ranch dressing, packaging identified as an outdated design from [REDACTED]
Money entered: 150 B yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A box 7cm on a side that, when opened, played a badly-recorded song while a ballerina statue spun around on a stand within the box. Both the ballerina and the box were made of what was proven to be a liquefied and reconstituted two-patty cheeseburger
Money entered: 150 B yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A Caesar salad, no lettuce, on an edible soy-based plate
Note: Finally, something I can eat. -Dr. Hale
Name: Dr. Eskobar
Date: 11 September 2011
100 Wadōkaichin (Japanese currency dating back to the eighth century) were procured via means that need not be elaborated. Their individual value contemporary to their period was minor, but their current value is high due to their antique status.
Money entered: 5 Wadōkaichin
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: One bowl of rice, cooked, no utensil.
Note: Contemporary to the time; the bowl was dated to the late first millennium, and chopsticks were not yet commonly used among the poorer classes. SCP-261 appears to be treating the coins at their original value.
Money entered: 45 Wadōkaichin
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A plate of higher quality than the previous bowl, containing what was confirmed to be sliced monkey on a bed of rice.
Note: More money=higher class product. Straightforward.
Money entered: 50 Wadōkaichin
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: One plate of unknown meat contained within what appears to be an enormous (20 cm x 8 cm) single grain of rice. Meat was tested and confirmed to be fileted [REDACTED] between two and three years of age. DNA analysis showed the [REDACTED] from which the meat came had been genetically optimized by artificial means for purposes of consumption. The technology to accomplish this will not likely be invented this century; however, analysis on the meat and rice confirmed their origin as Japanese.
Name: Researcher Ovoid
Date: 04/11/11
Note: This to test how 261 reacts to unconventional currencies.
Money entered: Check (written in kana) for 1000 yen, of same dimensions as currency
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A 3 cm by 5 cm slip of cardboard. When on a human's person, they will report tasting milk chocolate until they are relieved of the cardboard.
Notes:Items dispensed seem consistent with currency entered for even de facto forms of currency.
Money entered: A note, in English, reading "I.O.U. 500 ¥"
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: An opened container of "Smartfood" brand white cheddar-flavored popcorn, manufactured by Frito-Lay. Contains remnants of popcorn kernels and powdered cheddar cheese-flavored substance, and a note, reading "I.O.U. 41 popcorn kernels".
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: 41 cheese-flavored popcorn kernels, uncontained. Identical to those produced by "Smartfood" brand.
Notes: Makes sense. At least I'm not in the thing's debt now.
Name: Researcher Bird
Date: 10/1/12
Money entered: 0 yen (pushed "coin return" button)
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A single "zero yen" coin deposited into change return slot. Coin is pressed out of pot metal, reverse face depicts a smiling Ronald McDonald.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Styrofoam cup labelled "Tastee Bird Spicy Lime Snack!!!" containing 2 oz of unknown powder. Instructions are to "fill to line with hot water, cover and wait 3 minutes". Upon opening, package contained reconstituted, de-calcified parrot skeleton in a tangy broth with celery and cilantro and lime. Described as "zesty, with an odd texture." Nutritional information indicates it contains 300% daily recommended sodium.
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Stainless steel cylinder 8 cm in diameter x 20 cm with a pull tab, unlabeled but covered in etched logarithmic spirals believed to be writing. Container described as "unusually heavy" and weighted 5.2 kg before opening. D-class personnel instructed to open can in center of testing area. Subject had difficulty pulling tab, necessitating he hold can close to his chest for leverage. Upon opening observers reported seeing a bright flash discharge straight upward from mouth of cylinder through the face of D-class, who collapsed immediately. Container appears to be a small linear particle accelerator, which releases a stream of charged particles when opened. Testing chamber described as tasting like copper afterwards. Subject expected to make partial recovery but was eliminated to prevent medical expense.
Money entered: 0 yen (pushed "coin return" button)
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Red aluminum can labelled simply "Stop That" in block letters, intermittent buzzing heard from within can as if coming from a large, angry insect. Researcher declined to open container.
Name: Dr. ████████, Research Assistant Stern
Date: 18/1/12
Money entered: 300 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A bag of "Meal Flavoured C-Chips", labelled in American English with some unrecognisable words and an unusual amount of profanity and slang for a food packet. Packet contained cassava chips. Top third of bag tasted of smoked salmon. Middle third of bag tasted of minted roast lamb. Bottom third of bag tasted of apple pie.
Money entered: 666 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A plastic box of "Uncle Nick's" brand "Delicious Sunday Profani-snack". Branding prominently featured a winking cartoon devil as well as pentagrams, inverted crosses, and other occult symbols stereotypically associated with satanism. All text other than the brand name and product name printed in vulgar Latin in a slightly irregular typeface suggesting hand-lettering. Back of box prominently featured the slogan "Damnation guaranteed!". Ingredients list included "unholy water" but was otherwise consistent with a meal consisting solely of bread and wine. Box contained thirteen peices of unleavened bread in the style of communion wafers and a clear plastic sachet of red wine with a drinking nozzle. Research Assistant Stern reported wafers as delicious and surprisingly filling with a taste reminiscent of very rare steak, and wine as excellent but slightly salty. On recommendation from Dr. ████████, research assistant was placed under observation, but no anomalous behaviour has been reported.
Money entered: 0 yen, in the form of a single "zero yen" coin as dispensed by SCP-261 in an earlier test.
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Bag containing full meal of burger, fries, onion rings, and large coke similar to that purchased from ████████, but with all nutritional information and ingredients list censored. Bag given to D-class test subject. Subject reports that meal had absolutely no flavour, a uniformly smooth and uninteresting texture, and did not reduce her hunger at all.
Money entered: 10 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Approx 1 liter of pigswill, dispensed without a cup.
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered (power cord had been accidentally pulled out of wall while cleaning up after previous experiment)
Item description: One soft drink can, similar in styling to diet cola, printed in a language later determined to be Denzongkha and to read "SCREAMING [untranslateable] - OPEN CAN ENJOY SCREAMING MEAL". Upon opening, can emitted a painful shrieking noise estimated at 125-130dB for approximately fifteen seconds, during which time Dr. ████████ managed to hold onto the can and reported it growing lighter. When the noise ceased, both Dr. ████████ and Research Assistant Stern noted that they felt oddly sated, and did not need to eat for the rest of the day.
Name: Researcher York
Date: 27/2/12
Money entered: 3000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Item dispensed was a small tan box with the text "Tasty Fetus!" in dark green text. On the box below this text is a picture of a smiling light orange colored fetus. There is more dark green text below the picture that reads, “Now With Shorter Gestational Period!” The back of the box features a three panel comic with three human characters (two females and one male) in a domestic living room setting. In the first panel the female character on the right end of the panel has a speech bubble over her head, reading, “Mom and Dad, I have something to tell you…I’m pregnant.” The second panel shows the shocked faces of the parent characters in the middle of the panel, with a speech bubble over ‘Dad’ reading, “I can’t believe this! Young lady you are in so much trouble-” The daughter character interrupts him and says, “No Dad, it’s just the new Tasty Fetus!™” The final panel begins with the text “Four Weeks Later” and depicts the three characters laughing and making ‘mmm’ noises while consuming an orange fetus-shaped gummy. The fetus is still attached to what appears to be an umbilical cord.
Opening the box revealed a device similar to a catheter. The attached tube held a dark jelly-type substance. Instructions printed on the side of the device describ the standard process used for artificial insemination. The catheter was administered to a D-Class personnel whose records indicated had given birth before. One (1) week into observation the subject reported feeling intermittent abdominal cramping and subsequent inspection revealed the Subject was already exhibiting slight distention of the stomach. An ultrasound was performed at the end of week two (2) and showed normal fetal development one would expect to see in a first ultrasound, albeit much sooner. Cramping pains and distention increased significantly over the next week. Subject went into labor three (3) weeks and (2) days into the test. Subject appeared to be in above normal pain. Epidural was administered. Twenty-four (24) minutes into labor the stillborn fetus exited the Subject. Subject expired seven (7) minutes later. Autopsy of the fetus revealed gummy organs of different colors and presumably flavors and a circulatory system filled with a syrup of some kind, along with a licorice umbilical cord filled with flavored soda water. The fetus and its components were cut up and presented to two (2) D-Class who had no knowledge of the test. All components were described as tasting very good and were said to be similar in taste to several known products.
Name: Researcher Rosen
Date: 22/3/12
Money Entered 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item Description: An ordinary packet of M&M's.
Notes:This thing is a gyp. Seriously.
Name: Dr. T. Griffe
Date: 4/6/12
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Plastic bag of "Mad Scientist Munchies," labeled in English and featuring pictures of "mad scientist" characters from various films and television shows. Included are characters owned by Disney, Dreamworks, and DC Comics, among others, but all are listed on the label as being registered trademarks of "██████████ Entertainment, Inc." Back of bag includes a cryptogram which, when solved, congratulates the reader on passing the "Mad Science League" entrance exam and encourages them to write to the listed address for more information. Address is for a nonexistent town in Utah; postal code matches none in use in the United States. Bag contains individually-wrapped chocolates infused with crackle candy; analysis shows no unexpected ingredients. After eating one, Dr. Griffe commented on the "unusual, but not unpleasant" flavor, then cackled loudly for several seconds. For the next two hours, Dr. Griffe proceeded to laugh "like a cartoon mad scientist" after every sentence regardless of content or context. No other changes in behaviour or personality were observed.
Notes: I couldn't laugh like that on my own if I tried. I'm saving the rest of these for Halloween.
Name: Dr. Acorn
Money Entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Power Status: Unpowered
Item Description: At first, no object was seen delivered from SCP-261; an investigation of the delivery tray did discover a tiny package roughly 1cm square. Object was moved to a lab where microscopic analysis revealed the packaging to be standard cellophane with the word "Nanosnax" on the front in English. The remainder of the writing on the packaging consisted of a series of numbers and letters later discovered to be hexadecimal, though with no known relation to any language. Inside the packaging was a small circular wafer; analysis revealed the wafer to be pure silicon. Wafer and packaging have been retained for further research.
Addendum: Several of the hexadecimal numbers on the package have been positively identified as op-codes for the MOS Technology 6502 microprocessor; the remaining hexadecimal numbers have yet to be identified and do not correspond to any op-codes of any known microprocessor.
Name: Dr. Acorn
Money Entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Power Status: Unpowered
Item Description: Unmarked aluminum can with a pull-top tab. When the tab was pulled, the object immediately became superheated and melted into slag. Medical personnel summoned to the scene to attend Dr. Acorn's burnt hand reported that the area smelled "pleasantly lemony."
Name: D-11737
Money Entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Power Status: Unpowered
Item Description: "Jelly Joybeans - Assorted Emotions." Packaging is a semi-transparent plastic in English. Contents are an assortment of colored jelly beans. When consumed, subject is overcome with a specific emotional state for 3 - 5 seconds. Initial testing revealed a correlation between bean color and the emotion experienced; red is joy, blue is sadness, pink is sexual arousal, black is [DATA EXPUNGED], yellow is fear, green is anger, and purple is jealousy. Analysis revealed several chemicals known to interfere with human neurotransmitters as well as an accellerant. Tasted "a bit over-sweet."
Name: D-11737
Money Entered: 100 yen
SCP-261 Power Status: Powered
Item Description: Packaging in an unknown language, though the glyphs are similar to Masonic runes. A bright yellow pyramid with a stylized eye in the center dominates the front of the packaging. Contents are several pyramids composed of cornmeal. Salty.
Name: D-11737
Money Entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Power Status: Powered
Item Description: "Lucky Darts." Label in English, though the rest of the packaging uses mathematical formulae and diagrams identified to be descriptions of quantum entanglement. Object consisted of three brightly-colored candy lawn darts. Tasted "chalky, but pleasantly sweet."
Addendum: Although no reaction was noted on D-11737 initially consuming the "Lucky Darts," a strange confluence of events happened within six hours of consuming the product: D-11737 won the [REDACTED] State Lottery (totaling $358 million), was unharmed when SCP-███ breached containment and killed all other personnel in his section, received word he was being promoted to █-class (and thus had his previous liquidation order rescinded), and managed to save Dr. [REDACTED] from a nasty fall in Stairwell D which eventually resulted in her inviting him back to her place for [DATA EXPUNGED]. Unfortunately, when no effects were immediately noted, the packaging for the "Lucky Darts" was discarded and cannot be found.
Name: Janitorial Staffmember █████
Date: 5-2-12
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: One bottle of Plum Delicious Sprite, not currently produced by the Coca-Cola company. Dr. Aridorn was in the area at the time and observed Mr. █████ approaching SCP-261 and saying to it in a cheerful tone "Could I have an interesting flavor of soda, one that's safe for me to drink, please?" Mr. █████ then input his money and a code. SCP-261 vended the soda, and Mr. █████ responded with "Thank you!" before retrieving it from the vending tray. When queried by Dr. Aridorn why he had done so, Mr. █████ shrugged and replied "Seemed polite." Testing revealed normal content for Sprite with additional flavoring. Mr. █████ consumed beverage, pronounced it "neat".
Note: So this thing has been displaying some signs of sentience, but no one thought to just be nice to it? - Dr. Aridorn
Name: Agent ███
Date: 5-2-12
Money entered: 500 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: Small sandwich labeled "Cheap Bastid Po' Boy! (notHam flavor)" Vended in response to Agent ███, over Dr. Aridorn's protest, requesting "Please give us something we can feed SCP-682 to kill it". Contents determined to be two slices of normal white bread shaped into a roll with a slice of unremarkable processed pork byproduct between them.
Note: Not sure whether to be mad at this idiot or amused by a vending machine with a sense of humor. Kill SCP-682 for 500 yen? Yeah right. - Dr. Aridorn
Name: Agent ███ and assorted other present Foundation staff that most certainly did not include Dr. Aridorn
Date: 5-2-12
Money entered: 5000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A small box of cereal labeled "Stupid-O's", featuring the character of Kuni from the 1989 film UHF. The back of the box featured phrases such as "Stupid! You so stupid!" and "You get nothing!" Contents listed include "Nutrition for your idiot brain" and "Things what make you little bit smarter". Contents confirmed to be pressed-oat rings with light sugar frosting, contained in a wax paper bag. Between the bag and the cardboard box was a small flat item determined to be a temporary tattoo with text reading "Hi, I ask for dumb stuff!" in the comic sans font. Agent ███ remarked hopefully that maybe they actually would kill SCP-682 if fed to it. The Agent was asked if he was volunteering to do so. Agent ███ sullenly ate the cereal while being goaded by other staffmembers to apply the temporary tattoo.
Note: At least he didn't wind up melting anyone's face or turning the entire site to steam or something equally ridiculous and fatal. Why do these guys always insist on trying to make something to kill SCP-682? It's like it's some rite of passage or something. -Dr. Aridorn
Name: Agent Jenner
Date: 4/5/12
Money entered: 1000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Powered
Item description: A red hardback copy of ''Aurthers Willow Tree'' by █████ ███████; Unknown publisher. Book is ten by fifteen cm (10x15 cm) and two hundred and sixty-seven (267) pages from cover the back. Graphics on the cover of the book depict a caucasion male, roughly sixteen (16) years of age in an field, surrounded by over grown grasses. He has his back to a warped and leafless tree, all branches above the trunk show scorching. The blurb on the reverse of the cover reads unknown symbols in a seemingly unorganized pattern. Bar code matches no known product, a price tag reads ''999 yen, what a bargain!''. Copyright: 4/5/12. Authors note reads [DATA REDACTED].
The book harbored no immediate special properties. Agent Jenner tears a corner of one of the pages and puts it in her mouth, noted - ''A book? Doesn't taste like anything. Might as well read it.''. A week later Agent Jenner records anomalous effects from reading the book - ''Its an amazing book, only half way through and I love it! Weird thing is when characters are eating in the book i can taste it, for better or for worse. Stranger still i taste the emotions and moods, for example when Leiah was disappointed at Aurther for losing her wicker basket i had a very bitter taste, and in the opening paragraph when all the characters seem happy i had a mild-sweet taste.'' Other tastes reported include roast beef, apples, sheep █████, [DATA REDACTED], [DATA REDACTED] and jalepeneo peppers.
Note: Despite the label pricing the book at 999 yen the change of 1 yen was never returned. - ''That's just cheep.''
Name: Agent Jenner
Date: 12/5/12
Money entered: 1000 yen
SCP-261 Powered or Unpowered: Unpowered
Item description: Upon approaching SCP-261 Agent Jenner called ''May I have another book please?'' and entered her money. Item dispensed was a brightly yellow book titled ''The A-L-P-H-A-B-E-T-S'', title font was small and blue. Dimensions recorded are five by five cm (5x5 cm) and seventy-five (75) pages. No cover art, author, publisher, blurb, bar code, or price tag can be found on the cover. All seventy-five pages are content, no authors note or copyright page included.
Each page had a different letter, upper and lower case if possible, a food or drink that started with the letter in the letters language, English, Japanese, Spanish and English Braille, and a picture of said food. Letters order chronologically as twenty-six (26) English alphabet letters, twenty-four (24) Greek alphabet letters, twenty (20) Japanese symbols for different foods and drink and five (5) unknown symbols, similar to those in the blurb of ''Aurthers Willow Tree''. When read by Agent Jenner, foods were tasted by the reader corresponding to that on the page, much like in the previous test. Foods included , jam (Jj), wine (Eε, ἕρπις ,epsilon), rice (稲) and [DATA EXPUNGED] (█). When 'reading' the unknown symbols Agent Jenner reported a lingering metallic taste, when scanned for radioactivity the book displayed normal levels while the final five pages displayed [DATA REDACTED] curie ( ██ █Ci). Object was destroyed, Agent Jenner was exposed for a collective twenty (20) seconds and is recovering from very mild burns to lips and nose.
Notes: I was hoping for another Aurther book before I finished the first one - Agent Jenner
