like a dog-day cicada in the heat
rating: +22+x

something is eating me

every day i go to work and i work and i come home and i sleep every day i never talk to anyone anyore because when i try to talk all thew rods that coe out are nothings that i dont mean and that i dont want to say that i dont mean to say and this happens every day

ehn i come home i come home to my family and its my parents and my siblings and they all say they love me but i say i love them even though i dont because i dont love anymore because that went a long time ago

vie tried to keep this journal but most time i try to write my hands dont move

i dont move a lot

every day every mongth things get harder and harder and it hets harder and harder to feel and harder and harder to act right like nothing is happeing and every time its like this

every time its like this i cant move i cant feel anything but a pulsing a gnawing and a pressure like my clothes are too tight but its not my clothes its never my clothes because it happens when i take them off too

sometimes i feel it ready to pop when the clouds start rolling in andi have to go outside but sometimes the couds juts past and i have to rip myself up and rip my arms a bit to get up and keep going

until it rains

ievery time it rains i go outside and i have to lay on the bakyard dirt in the special little spot with bushes all around growing frutis and berries and i take off my clothes then i have to let it happen again

i dont know how to really describe it because im not a word person but it feel s like my skins finally turned into rock like im encased in ice and i cant move and i have to sit there for a while and i feel nothing and i just look up at the sky and i listen to the cicadas scream and the rain and sometme s hte rain hits my eyes and i wait for it all to be over

when i t stops raining i feel the rpessure kinda lift off enven thohugh im in stone still but i can start to get out i just keep wiggling and jiggling and writhing with my whole body and eventually it starts to crack and i can poke rthough it and start breaking it just enough until i can slip out and then i do and i look down and theres like a hollow me sitting on the ground but really thin and theres nobody in there it just looks like there is until you see the cracks

bt i never feel the same after it its like i shed a bit of myself with the hardskin like uh when i was sitting there a bit of me turned to rock too and when i busted it out it got stuck in there with the skin

and im losing so mcuh ive already lost most of feeling except sometimes i feel like it gets really hot and i cry and i curl up even though im fine and i dont feel sad or anything it just sort of happens but i dont feel happy i dont feel anything its just nothing and now for a while ive lost a lot of my ability to think and im loisng my motor functions too and i dont want to lose it all ive alreadyd lost so mich but it wont stop

every tie i get up i feel the pressure gone and i leave the shells and typically after a month or so they crack so hard they lose their shape and you cat really tell anything ahppened and i go inside and if its dinner time i have to eat even wen im never hugnry and they never really look at me they just asmk e how my day was ad i say it was fine and its never been fine but even when i look in their ees and i see they know its not fine they never say anything either even though ive never seen anoy f them come out in the rain with me

im tired i just want things to stop

im gong to sleep

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