rating: +50+x



Here at Prometheus Laboratories there is one fundamental problem. It's not that we don't have enough money. It's not that the things we do are unethical, morally questionable, and questionably abhorrent. It's not even that we don't have enough windows (which is not true, by the way, we have way too many fucking windows, and in July it's a fucking greenhouse in here. You know what, I'm going to submit a separate proposal for reducing the number of windows. It'll be like the Sims - just pop a window off a wall, sell it and get money. Boom. Window gone, problem solved), it's that there are simply not enough cones in the building. I've been working here for two years and have not seen a single cone. This is unacceptable.


Pastry cone maybe?


The solution is tauntingly simple - perhaps even deceptively so. To correct the no-cone issue, Prometheus Labs shall build a cone. It matters not even what the cone is made from. Perhaps we take a great wooden block and shave it down to a circular point, or take the tip of a lanceman's spear and just kind of have it, or we could even assemble one from some stupid material like pastry. Either way, the solution simply invites itself to be explored. Summarised, however, it boils down to one concept: a cone shall be constructed. Honestly, pastry is probably the best one. We should do that.


Unlike most products that Prometheus Labs mass-produces so thoughtlessly, the case of the Cone is quite different. Only one cone is needed, and it shall be placed in the Lobby, betwixt the Eastern Wall and the Receptionit's Desk. This position has been deemed the prime location for the positioning of the Cone - after all, we wish to keep this to ourselves, do we not? No point in pedestrians on the street walking past, looking in and thinking "Oh hey that's a nice cone, I'll break in and nab that tonight." No no no. Screw it, we'll put it behind the desk itself. (OR the problem could be solved by having less windows)


The funding will be used to build a cone.


There are several issues that present themselves alongside the cone. First, if it is too small and too sharp, it can be used to stab people. This is not ideal as we already have a variety of products for the express purpose of stabbing people. If it is too large, it make be mistaken for a chair, and then we will have a project 16% increase in hurty hurty bum bum incidents which would not be ideal for productivity. Both of this issues can be mitigated by building the cone out of pastry, which is soft, perhaps with an interior cream buffer for extra safety. Overall, though, the cone promises a net increase in moral and company positivity, and is also awesome because it'a goddamn fucking cone, and cones are great.

If you green-stamped this grant request, consider stamping:


Rating +285 Notes March 2018 #2; most Offset pages (65)
Published March 2018 Format screw? Oh yeah
Summary A multiple choice story in which you, ████ ████████, a disgraced researcher, must discover what SCP-3939 really is.
Quote "I quit." he tells you. "I fucking quit. I'm done here. I'm done with you. I'm done with 3939. I'm done with the Foundation. I'm done with fuckers like you getting to Class 4. You'll make a great O5 someday, you know that? Fuck you. Fuck you, ████."
Last comment #50 from CroquemboucheCroquembouche on 22 Apr 2018 03:24
Number 3211 Title There Is No Canon
Rating +151 Notes Possibly most coded article (except 2212?); 4th highest rated Declassified
Published April 2018 Format screw? Technically
Summary "It's basically SCP-055, rebooted to fit the current site standards." - /u/JPS_TEAM_B_6905
Quote By proceeding to read this document you acknowledge and accept that you are about to be exposed to an anomalous effect.
Last comment #27 from Narsil098Narsil098 on 19 May 2018 18:49
Number 3984 Title Poking Death with a Stick
Rating +99 Notes End of Death
Published May 2018 Format screw? Indeed
Summary When death breaks… poke it with a stick.
Quote One round from a standard-issue security handgun was fired into the forehead of D-10273 by Dr. Young.
Last comment #26 from DecibellesDecibelles on 17 Jun 2018 23:27
Number 3790 Title Department of Abnormalities
Rating +69 Notes Co-authored with djkaktusdjkaktus
Published June 2018 Format screw? No, for once!
Summary At the end of a corridor, an elevator takes you to you a quiet, dark place.
Quote A pedestal rests in the middle of the chamber. Four parallel lines in the dust, consistent with finger marks, imply that whatever was upon it has recently been removed.
Last comment #35 from LtLittleMoonLtLittleMoon on 18 Jun 2018 04:18


Title ΩK Length 4688 words
Rating +74 Notes End of Death
Published May 2018 Format screw? Is it possible for a tale?
Summary It's the end of the world, but nobody is panicking.
Quote "I just find it funny how this is a K-class scenario and all, but the mundane day-to-day stuff just carries on."
Last comment #9 from DecibellesDecibelles on 17 Jun 2018 23:42
Title 5 Reasons The Foundation Wants A Robot Army Co-authored with Captain KirbyCaptain Kirby, OthellotheCatOthellotheCat and VeiedhimaedhrVeiedhimaedhr
Rating +51 Notes End of Death
Published June 2018 Format screw? Is it possible for a tale?
Summary Three GoIs come together to discuss a long-term solution. Performed as a real chat and transcripted with only minor edits.
Quote "La vida loca."
Last comment #8 from DecibellesDecibelles on 18 Jun 2018 00:14


Title Earthworm Series Navigator Page type component
Rating +5 Appearance Sick as hell
Published May 2018 Format screw? No?
Summary A more decorative series navigator to replace cheap plaintext ones. Instructions for use are in the author comment.
Quote .earthworm div:nth-child(2).no a, .earthworm a[href="/"] { color: #333; text-decoration: none; cursor: text; pointer-events: none; }
Last comment #1 from CroquemboucheCroquembouche on 11 May 2018 01:49
Title cone Page type Author
Rating +50 Please rate Please
Published June 2018 Format screw? Unsure
Summary A collection of articles written by CroquemboucheCroquembouche.
Quote A collection of articles written by CroquemboucheCroquembouche.
Last comment #16 from CroquemboucheCroquembouche on 09 Jun 2018 19:12
Title Site News Title Fetcher Page type "component"
Rating +2 Written in Javascript
Published June 2018 Format screw? No
Summary A tool to automagically fetch SCP titles to make it easier to update the Site News.
Quote if(list.scps[j].toUpperCase() == splits[0].toUpperCase()) { vlog("Found a match for " + list.scps[j] + " (" + splits[1] + ")"); list.lines[j] = list.lines[j].replace("%%actual-title%%",splits[1]); };
Last comment #2 from DrMagnusDrMagnus on 13 Jun 2018 13:01

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