cone

GRANT REQUEST FOR THE CONSTRUCTION OF A CONE TO GO IN THE OFFICE BECAUSE CONES ARE GREAT

GRANT REQUEST FOR THE CONSTRUCTION OF A CONE TO GO IN THE OFFICE BECAUSE CONES ARE GREAT

PROBLEM

Here at Prometheus Laboratories there is one fundamental problem. It's not that we don't have enough money. It's not that the things we do are unethical, morally questionable, and questionably abhorrent. It's not even that we don't have enough windows (which is not true, by the way, we have way too many fucking windows, and in July it's a fucking greenhouse in here. You know what, I'm going to submit a separate proposal for reducing the number of windows. It'll be like the Sims - just pop a window off a wall, sell it and get money. Boom. Window gone, problem solved), it's that there are simply not enough cones in the building. I've been working here for two years and have not seen a single cone. This is unacceptable.

Pastry cone maybe?

SOLUTION

The solution is tauntingly simple - perhaps even deceptively so. To correct the no-cone issue, Prometheus Labs shall build a cone. It matters not even what the cone is made from. Perhaps we take a great wooden block and shave it down to a circular point, or take the tip of a lanceman's spear and just kind of have it, or we could even assemble one from some stupid material like pastry. Either way, the solution simply invites itself to be explored. Summarised, however, it boils down to one concept: a cone shall be constructed. Honestly, pastry is probably the best one. We should do that.

BUSINESS CASE

Unlike most products that Prometheus Labs mass-produces so thoughtlessly, the case of the Cone is quite different. Only one cone is needed, and it shall be placed in the Lobby, betwixt the Eastern Wall and the Receptionit's Desk. This position has been deemed the prime location for the positioning of the Cone - after all, we wish to keep this to ourselves, do we not? No point in pedestrians on the street walking past, looking in and thinking "Oh hey that's a nice cone, I'll break in and nab that tonight." No no no. Screw it, we'll put it behind the desk itself. (OR the problem could be solved by having less windows)

USE OF FUNDING

The funding will be used to build a cone.

KNOWN ISSUES

There are several issues that present themselves alongside the cone. First, if it is too small and too sharp, it can be used to stab people. This is not ideal as we already have a variety of products for the express purpose of stabbing people. If it is too large, it make be mistaken for a chair, and then we will have a project 16% increase in hurty hurty bum bum incidents which would not be ideal for productivity. Both of this issues can be mitigated by building the cone out of pastry, which is soft, perhaps with an interior cream buffer for extra safety. Overall, though, the cone promises a net increase in moral and company positivity, and is also awesome because it'a goddamn fucking cone, and cones are great.

If you green-stamped this grant request, consider stamping:

SCPs

Number	3939	Title	[NUMBER RESERVED; AWAITING RESEARCHER]
Rating	+285	Notes	March 2018 #2; most Offset pages (65)
Published	March 2018	Format screw?	Oh yeah

Summary	A multiple choice story in which you, ████ ████████, a disgraced researcher, must discover what SCP-3939 really is.
Quote	"I quit." he tells you. "I fucking quit. I'm done here. I'm done with you. I'm done with 3939. I'm done with the Foundation. I'm done with fuckers like you getting to Class 4. You'll make a great O5 someday, you know that? Fuck you. Fuck you, ████."

Last comment	#50 from Croquembouche on 22 Apr 2018 03:24

Number	3211	Title	There Is No Canon
Rating	+151	Notes	Possibly most coded article (except 2212?); 4th highest rated Declassified
Published	April 2018	Format screw?	Technically

Summary	"It's basically SCP-055, rebooted to fit the current site standards." - /u/JPS_TEAM_B_6905
Quote	By proceeding to read this document you acknowledge and accept that you are about to be exposed to an anomalous effect.

Last comment	#27 from Narsil098 on 19 May 2018 18:49

Number	3984	Title	Poking Death with a Stick
Rating	+99	Notes	End of Death
Published	May 2018	Format screw?	Indeed

Summary	When death breaks… poke it with a stick.
Quote	One round from a standard-issue security handgun was fired into the forehead of D-10273 by Dr. Young.

Last comment	#26 from Decibelles on 17 Jun 2018 23:27

Number	3790	Title	Department of Abnormalities
Rating	+69	Notes	Co-authored with djkaktus
Published	June 2018	Format screw?	No, for once!

Summary	At the end of a corridor, an elevator takes you to you a quiet, dark place.
Quote	A pedestal rests in the middle of the chamber. Four parallel lines in the dust, consistent with finger marks, imply that whatever was upon it has recently been removed.

Last comment	#35 from LtLittleMoon on 18 Jun 2018 04:18

Tales

Title	ΩK	Length	4688 words
Rating	+74	Notes	End of Death
Published	May 2018	Format screw?	Is it possible for a tale?

Summary	It's the end of the world, but nobody is panicking.
Quote	"I just find it funny how this is a K-class scenario and all, but the mundane day-to-day stuff just carries on."

Last comment	#9 from Decibelles on 17 Jun 2018 23:42

Title	5 Reasons The Foundation Wants A Robot Army	Co-authored with	Captain Kirby, OthellotheCat and Veiedhimaedhr
Rating	+51	Notes	End of Death
Published	June 2018	Format screw?	Is it possible for a tale?

Summary	Three GoIs come together to discuss a long-term solution. Performed as a real chat and transcripted with only minor edits.
Quote	"La vida loca."

Last comment	#8 from Decibelles on 18 Jun 2018 00:14

Other

Title	Earthworm Series Navigator	Page type	component
Rating	+5	Appearance	Sick as hell
Published	May 2018	Format screw?	No?

Summary	A more decorative series navigator to replace cheap plaintext ones. Instructions for use are in the author comment.
Quote	.earthworm div:nth-child(2).no a, .earthworm a[href="/"] { color: #333; text-decoration: none; cursor: text; pointer-events: none; }

Last comment	#1 from Croquembouche on 11 May 2018 01:49

Title	cone	Page type	Author
Rating	+50	Please rate	Please
Published	June 2018	Format screw?	Unsure

Summary	A collection of articles written by Croquembouche.
Quote	A collection of articles written by Croquembouche.

Last comment	#16 from Croquembouche on 09 Jun 2018 19:12

Title	Site News Title Fetcher	Page type	"component"
Rating	+2	Written in	Javascript
Published	June 2018	Format screw?	No

Summary	A tool to automagically fetch SCP titles to make it easier to update the Site News.
Quote	if(list.scps[j].toUpperCase() == splits[0].toUpperCase()) { vlog("Found a match for " + list.scps[j] + " (" + splits[1] + ")"); list.lines[j] = list.lines[j].replace("%%actual-title%%",splits[1]); };