bittermixin's snazzy author page

'bigger than kaktus, better than gears.' don't believe it? why not survey these sparkling reviews from some of the site's real bigwig top-notch kickaroos.

Well, this is sufficiently disgusting, to say the least.

- Cyantreuse

this finna nut is finna woke

- Armadyllo

Oh, "finna nut" as in. Fish have fins. And the nuts turn into fish with big fins. Okay then.

- Decibelles

Everything about this anomaly is so fucking dumb.

- The Great Hippo

What's with the penis.

- MusicMike24

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

- AbsentmindedNihilist

would you be upset if i made a body pillow design of 3199?

- Wydness

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chick

SCP-3199: 'Humans, Refuted'. When all was said and done, and I was ready to write my first ever article, I knew I wanted to challenge myself. A Keter humanoid. A Keter humanoid that kills people. How hard could it be, right?

Fucking. That's how hard.

I found the image on the r/creepy subreddit, having made the decision to scour the web for as long as I could until I found something skip-worthy. I stumbled upon it within a few minutes, and knew it would be perfect. Ryan Van Dongen, the original artist, had actually wanted a creature on the wiki for some time- and even did various edits to the picture upon my request. In fact, he went as far as to change the title of his speedpaint to include 'SCP-3199'. Very cool guy, who you should definitely check out.

My mind was drawn to one idea, one primary focus- what would make something hard to contain? We've had old men who slide through walls, indestructible lizards, and as I thought and thought it felt as if the well of concepts had run dry. It was on one particular bus ride that it came to me- use the source material. It's a man-chicken. Chickens lay eggs. And everything clicked together in this incredible jigsaw that just blew my mind back into my fucking face.

So I started writing. I was cocky, as I'm sure many authors are, and pretty much thought I was done with draft numero uno. Sure, I thought, maybe there'd be some spelling errors or bad terminology, but this was my magnum fucking opus. The crème de la crème. Until, that is, the critters approached the horizon. Cape billowing in the wind. And obliterated my article with feedback so brutally good it turned me inside out with embarrassment.

To any new or nervous people who happen to read this: it's okay. Because it improved. It got better. I still get a weird feeling in my stomach whenever I get critted, because everyone wants to be the victim. But being able to grit your teeth and bear it is what will inevitably make you succeed.

I posted. I didn't actually dare to look at the page for the following three days, deciding that I wasn't going to sit back and watch the votes decline. If it sinks, it sinks, and I can take that all in with one rip of the band-aid. It was at +30. I've never felt more relieved in my life.

jk i just like chickens i mean have you SEEN a chicken

FAN ART WOAH I MEAN ACTUAL FAN ART BY THE WONDERFUL Mendelssohn.
https://imgur.com/1LZeQ1j
You can check out their art page here!

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hirst

SCP-3371: 'Beautiful Inside My Head Forever'.

I like Damien Hirst. Quite a lot, really.

Love him or hate him, his works are grotesque, fascinating, and thoroughly contemporary. It was the bizarre nature of his art and the heavy amount of research hours I'd clocked in during an art assignment that I decided to utilize those creepy creations for a new skip.

Turns out the concept wasn't wholly original. In 2009, a Spanish artist named Eugenio Moreno created a sculpture depicting Hirst blowing his brains out in very similar fashion, amusingly titled '4 the Love of Go(l)d'. It's rather unsettling how similar the too ideas actually were- my reasoning for the gunshot to the head was just that it was a quick, painless, and relatively easy death. Who knows. Maybe the image got buried in my subconscious during those sleepy research sessions and I genuinely just forgot. Or maybe I'm a filthy thieving liar. The choice is yours.

This skip took the shortest amount of time from idea to finished product, done in practically a couple of days. I would consider it a love letter of sorts- but also my first shot at a short, sweet article that doesn't overstay its welcome. I'd tried forcing such a thing before, and it really didn't work out in my favour, so letting it come naturally was the boost I needed in order to tick 'under three fucking thousand words' off the SCP bucket list. Frankly, I wish it could be shorter.

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nut

SCP-3169: 'finna nut'.

God, why does this have a higher rating than 3371?

I think modulum83 on Reddit put my thought process into words far better than I could ever hope to- so, here you go:

'This SCP, like almost all GAW pieces, center around misfits existing in an anomalous world who grew up in a millennial generation. The SCP is about someone new to the more coarse and less meaningful world of conversation on the internet, trying to be well-loved and fitting in, but failing at it due to not understanding the subtleties of tone in a chatroom. The story is about how it led him to kill himself because of it. So the motifs being explored here go further than just "drama" - it's the idea that (similar to ideas explored in SCP-3078) things can just go wrong, spiral out of control, and - in an anomalous world - become dangerous in the process.

Is this the tightest GAW skip? Absolutely not. It's derivative and has some storytelling flaws. But it is representative of most pieces in the GoI itself, describing individual human stories and how people connect with each other in the context of a contemporary setting. In a world where the biggest players are a shadow scientist organization, a terrorist insurgency, and a military regime, sometimes it's refreshing to hear small-scale stuff that connects with the life a lot of young people live. It's not for everyone, but it does have a place in the Foundation universe.'

and that's all i wrote.

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axolotl

SCP-3950: 'FULL THROTTLE AXOLOTL'. It's goofy, it's sick, it's axolotls. I've wanted to write an axolotl skip ever since I got a couple of the beasties myself, and it was only when I was dicking about with my friends and cracked the rhyme 'axolotls on full throttle' that I really thought I had something with potential. Second only to 3371 as the quickest article from conceptualization to finished product, wildly positive feedback had it sitting pretty within a couple of days- and I think I'm totally satisfied with it.

I'm glad I could do my babies justice.

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draws

I draw things sometimes. Granted, not very often, and not very well, but draw them I do indeed do I do. Check it out if you're so inclined.

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?

The following documentation was recovered from a computer desk located in ██████, England. That lazy fuck probably just hasn't got out of bed yet. Also, the handwriting is really gross. Looks like an angry crow dipped its feet in ink and tried tap-dancing. Look, just- get on with it.

Take a look at this goddamn poser.

Item #: SCP-B1773R

Object Class: Safe. I wouldn't want to bump into them in a dark alley. Not because they're dangerous, just because it would be a little weird.

Special Containment Procedures: Just don't give it money. We all know it'll just blow it on Overwatch loot boxes and Pepsi.

Description: 17, maybe? Looks dumb as shit. Remember Chunk from The Goonies? Imagine an alternate timeline where he didn't grow up into a slim and well-presented Vin Diesel type, and instead kept the same wank haircut and baby face.

Spends 98% of its time on the computer watching Spongebob meme comps and decade-old let's plays. Prefers drawing with dark pencils and ballpoint pen, rarely uses colour. Drinks far too many fizzy drinks, excessively fixes its hair yet has the dress sense of a brick, and generally looks confused and disoriented even when it's not really doing anything.

Also has two three axolotl pets. Their names are Nemo, Aztec, and Peridot.

Any veterans within a 300 mile radius of SCP-B1773R will most likely have seen its latest draft via the PM's. This anomalous effect has no known limit, so buckle up, bucko. Patience is a distant relic in the eyes of this Stephen King monster.

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