Welcome to Ask Doctor Mann, where I will be answering any questions that you, the reading public, have for me. If you have questions you'd like answered, please submit them via the discussion page.
"Dear Doctor Mann, what's it like working for the Foundation?" —Eager in Site 19
I'm so glad you asked! Working for the Foundation is full of exciting challenges and fascinating puzzles. You will travel to exotic locales and work with some of the most intelligent, experienced researchers in the world. Get ready for a professional working environment where you'll be given responsibility and fast promotion opportunities.
Take advantage of this opportunity now, before we're forced to erase your memory or kill you.
"Papa Mann, my next door neighbor has a creepy boyfriend that comes over fairly often, and the combination of stupidity and nausea he radiates is destroying my will to live and bothering the cat. Any ideas?" —Creeped Out in Calamazoo
Have you considered that this poor fellow might have a problem? Many people seem disturbing, but quite often there's nothing wrong with them that drug-enhanced electro-shock conditioning can't cure. In rare cases, direct neurosurgical intervention may be necessary. Consult your neurologist before making any incisions.
"Where am I?" —Concerned in Laboratory 14
Strapped to a table in my laboratory.
"Who are you?" —Still Concerned in Laboratory 14
Doctor Everett Mann, surgeon and researcher.
"What are you doing here?" —Very Concerned, Actually, in Laboratory 14
Operating on you.
"What's this syringe doing in my foot?" —Growing More Concerned by the Minute in Laboratory 14
Sedating you in three, two, one…
"Where do babies come from?" —Naive in New York
Well, you see, Naive, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they're kidnapped by black helicopters and transported to Site 84, where they're rendered down into their contituent tissues. Their reproductive organs are harvested and used to create a zygote inside of a test-tube. It's grown in a vat of nutrients until it's ready (four to nine months, depending on the necessity of organ integrity), at which point it's used for whatever experiment requires babies.
"Is dropping me into a general processing pit via a previously hidden trap door in the floor upon demotion to D-class really necessary?" —Falling Fast in Site 23
No, but really, who doesn't enjoy a good laugh now and then?
"Is there porn here?" —Licentious in Laboratory 14
Do anatomical diagrams count?
"How long does it take to make the perfect al dente pasta?" —Hungry in the Site 23 Kitchen
Anywhere from around 13.6 to 13.9 billion years (for the purpose of inventing the universe), plus 7-10 minutes depending on the amount.
"Dr. Mann, why won't the Foundation let me use my own personal firearm?" —Second Amended in Site 23
Because nerf munitions are insufficient against all known enemy groups except the Revolutionary Guard.
"Dear Dr. Mann, since my arrival at Site-023 I've learned that you are Director of Human Resources and a respected member of Site-023. How would you suggest I go about encouraging cooperation among our peers? They've been terribly belligerent despite my best efforts."-Distressed About D-Class
Dear Distressed, I find that it helps to remove the part of their brain that allows them to be uncooperative.
"Dear Dr. Mann, what should I do about this ukelele in my living quarters? I'm certain that it belongs to somebody else, but it's certainly a very nice instrument." —Curious in Cell 23.
Curious, have you ever considered suicide? It may be helpful in your situation.
"Dear Dr. Mann, shouldn't you be working on project Beta 12 right now?" —Pondering Pressing The Button, Three Floors Up
I am working on Project Beta 12. That's why the potatoes in the cafeteria taste different now.
"Dear Dr. Mann, what are your views on the sovereign debt crisis in the European Union? Please be concise." —Foundation News at Eleven
I blame the decline of proper, well-maintained facial hair in the general public. It leads to degeneracy and general lack of moral fiber.
"Dear Dr. Mann, what is your view on the so-called 'Serpent's Hand'? Do serpents really have hands? How does that even make sense?" —Susurrus from Site Sixty
These long-haired recalcitrants oppose the natural order of progress. They believe themselves enlightened but are unwilling to make the sacrifices necessary for mankind to take its next step into the cosmos. Their bleeding-heart philosophy combined with their guerrilla tactics make them dangerous. As to the handiness of serpents, I maintain that while it is a well-known feature of the suborder Serpentes, it is by no means an essential one. A point my snake-men will make at the next Herpetology Super Expo. This year, I shall not be denied!
"Dear Dr. Mann, what's up with teenagers these days? Why are they so wierd?" —Curmudgeonly in California
There are a number of theories, but perhaps the most likely is malevolent control by the Chaos Insurgency. Knowing full well that the battle of the future will take place in the hearts and minds of our youth, they've prepared the battlefield by sprinkling their nihilistic propaganda into the media. This has twisted their minds, turning them from once-happy children into something dark and unrecognizable.
Well, it's that or their dratted rock-and-roll music that they seem to fancy. One or the other.
"Dear Dr. Mann, could we potentially use the labyrinth to store Euclid but immobile SCP's?" —Amazed in Anchorage
The proposal was briefly considered, but ultimately cut because of twine shortfalls in the budget.
"Dear Dr. Mann, what does 173 look like on camera? —D-Class tasked with cleaning 173's pen
About ten pounds heavier.
"Dear Dr. Mann, my name is Abayomiolorunkoje, and I am a prince in my home country of Nigeria. I need to get ten million dollars to the US, but my bank accounts do not allow it. If you you let me store it in your account by giving me full access, I will give you twenty percent. Would you do this for me?" —278hd3q81n5zd at hotmail.com
A prince of a republic? What a fascinating accomplishment. I am of course very interested in helping you. However, I feel it would be best to do business face-to-face. Fortunately, I will be traveling to Nigeria in a month on business. I've a few questions first, however. On a scale of one-to-ten, how healthy are your organs? And do you have any friends with particularly healthy or otherwise interesting organs? If so, please feel free to bring them along to the meeting. Thirdly, do you have any unusual reaction to chloroform? Please respond soon. I look forward to discussing business with you.
"Dear Dr. Mann, I've recently discovered that I have a third kidney. It's fully functional, and my doctor tells me that I don't really need it. I was wondering if I could donate it to you, and in addition, get a day pass? Thanks." —Agent ██████, Site 14
Naturally! And I hope your colleagues remember your example the next time they request time off.
"Dear Dr. Mann, What is the difference between a duck?" —Pair of Docs at Site 19
That depends. Are we talking about, say, a rosy-billed pochard, or a baikal teal?
"Dear Dr. Mann, An SCP is offering me magical powers if I release it. What should I do?" —Gullible at Site 19
Please report to Medical Station 13 for a new brain. The one you're using it clearly defective.
"Dear Dr. Mann, I am glad to report that despite breaching containment no less than twelve times over the past week, SCP-███ has been temporarily incapacitated and moved to Storage Site 49. However, during the last containment breach I and a number of my staff suffered minor to severe injuries as a result of SCP-███'s area of effect, including [DATA EXPUNGED] nitrogen narcosis. What first-aid methods do you recommend?" —Rapidly Bleeding Out at Site 49
Immediately lower the temperature down past freezing. With luck, at least some of your more useful organs can be salvaged.
"Dear Dr. Mann, What can I do to be more like you?" —Jealous in Jersey
A noble and worthy goal, Jealous! The first thing is to obtain a medical degree. The second, and this cannot be stressed enough, is to find a good, reliable mustache wax. Now, dabblers will use pre-made mustache waxes like Mr Natty Twizzle Moustache Wax, but I find that the best result is to learn to create your own mix, so that you can fine-tune it to your own hirsutorial needs. You'll need to find a supply of bees wax, gum arabic, oil soap, and human stem cells. Add in any essential oils for scent purposes.
"Dear Dr. Mann, Is craving for human flesh normal? I mean, ever since that D-Class jerk bit me, all I've done is to crave for it." —Dr. Brians at Site-19 Cafeteria.
While not strictly normal, the Foundation is accomodating to a wide variety of dietary needs. However, it seems as though your cannibalism may have a medical basis. Therefore I recommend a treatment of 1 CC of lead applied directly through the forehead.
"Dear Dr. Mann, The other lunch room girls at Area-14 tell me that Mr Fernand is a great kisser. Do you think it would be alright for me to accept his offer of a dinner date?" —Shy Ronery Lass
I would recommend that you find other plans for your evening. While dinners with Fernand are indeed lively and "happening," they inevitably end up as dinner-for-one affairs.
"Dear Dr. Mann, In your professional opinion, if we released all sentient Euclid and Keter SCPs into a pocket dimension and let them fight to the death, who do you think would come out on top, assuming 682 lost?" —Needs to Settle a Bet at Site-19 Break Room
Dear Need, the obvious answer is SCP-1013-J. Think about it.
"Dear Dr. Mann, Is it OK to use D-class personnel to fill in paperwork, provided I terminate them before they can leak the information? That short snotty guy from Ethics Commitee keeps bugging me about it, and I'm in need of some serious arguments." —Busy from Bio-Containment Unit-21.
Let me make sure I understand your plan correctly. You intend to have Class D personnel fill out your paperwork. These are, by and large, condemned criminals. They are largely from the lower rungs of society, with poor educations and often broken literacy. They tend towards sociopathy. They tend to hate those who hold them here. And you will trust them with your paperwork, which not only contains information that they might use to attempt escape or sabotage, but has to be filled out correctly and completely to Foundation standards, or else will reflect poorly in your performance reviews.
Well. Good luck with that.
"Dear Dr. Mann, I bet 682 would be jealous of your 'stach. You should challenge it to a good round of fisticuffs." —Curious in Site 19
Sadly, 682 refuses to abide by Queensbury rules.
