Adoption Poster: Darius!
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Hi! My name is Darius!

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Get To Know Me!

I'm looking for a good and loving home in the Three Portlands-Boring area. I get along with most people, so long as they aren't in positions of power. I really can't stand to be near them. This is no joke, folks! I start cussing up a storm and shouting all sorts of profanities if one so much as gets near me. So long as you aren't in a place of authority, you and I should get along just fine!

I'm a very special bird, a resplendent quetzal to be exact. My species doesn't talk, so I really am unique! As you can see, we've got some pretty attractive plumage, which means I would be a colorful addition to your home. I don't need a lot of room, but I would certainly appreciate having a big, spacious cage to stretch my little wings in. I come with a small travel cage, one bag of feed — and my toys!

I'm a rebel! Ms. Wilson tried her best to look after me, but I would yell and yell until she left me alone. The folks at Wilson tried to acclimate me by assigning me to a Volunteer Jefferson (a police officer), but after I threatened to bite his lips off and defecate in his mouth, they figured it was time for me to go.

I'm pretty easy to take care of. I only need my feed and water to be changed regularly, and some room to relax in. Seeds and fruits are my favorites, especially avocado. No need to turn it into guac — just feed me that yummy fruit as-is!

Important Things About Me!

  • I just love to eat fruits and bugs!
  • My tail feathers get really long during mating season!
  • I'm part of an endangered species, please be kind to me!
  • I am really quiet most of the time!
  • My species is associated with the Aztec feathered serpent, the Quetzalcoatl!
  • I have a really bad potty mouth!
  • I really don't like police! Please keep them away from me!
  • I can chew through wires, so keep them hidden and out of my reach!
  • I can get pretty loud if someone I don't like comes near, so be careful!
  • Keep me away from cats! They scare me!

Notes From My Foster Parents!

This thing was awesome until I became a dorm inspector at Deer and he started pooping on my reports. Sorry, Darius. You were a real homie but I can't have this happen again.

~Brock Sampson

This bird sang the entire 'Fuck the Police' song.

Who taught him the song?! There's no way anyone over at Wilson's knowingly allowed this.

~Ted

The proximity range Darius picks police officers up on is startling. I can't in good conscious keep him in my home because it makes me feel as if I am using a living, breathing, and sometimes squawking, police scanner. Creepy.

~Simran Nark

It was funny at first (my dad's a cop), but then it got loose and pooped on all my dad's uniform and chewed up his radio. After my Dad found out, well, better off at Wilson's than here. Sorry, Darius…

~John O'Malley

He was perfect up until inspection time at the Deer dorms came. He started calling the dorm inspector a fascist and told him to kiss a frog. It was pretty funny, especially when the inspector threatened to turn him into a frog. It wasn't funny when Darius threatened to stab him with a broken bottle. Needless to say, he's not welcome here anymore.

~Alice Ferrer

My husband and I thought we would be able to deal with a potty mouth parrot. We were fine when he started calling him a class traitor and cuckold. We were fine when he threatened to peck out his eyes and poop in the sockets. We were really unhappy when he flew out of his cage and threatened my husband at knifepoint in the kitchen.

~Erik E. Erikson

For more information or adoption:
Address: 31st North Deerway Avenue, Three Portlands
Phone: (503)-555-0187
Email: etis.snoitulosefildliwsnosliw|ofni#etis.snoitulosefildliwsnosliw|ofni
Void: Wilson's Wildlife Solutions!⁂wilsons-wildlife



CONFIDENTIAL

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To whom it may concern,

Our agents in the adoption center area have informed us of a 'police-scanning' parrot. We are very interested in such an object and will be sending an agent to adopt it within the week. Thank you for helping us and your country.

Yours,
- FBI Regional Director Aponte

Sent by: Anders Wilson
Recipient(s): Faeowynn Wilson
Date: 7/25/2019

Fae,

We're having a hell of a time finding foster parents for Darius, and everyone on Void seems to have turned against this poor fellow. He's starting to be mean to me too, and you should see how bad he was to Hagi. I don't think we can hold onto him here much longer.

We need to do something about him ASAP.

Seeking guidance,
-Andy

Sent by: Faeowynn Wilson
Recipient(s): Anders Wilson
Date: 7/26/2019

Hey Andy,

I'm very saddened to hear that Darius is having a medical emergency. Please bring him back to Boring as soon as possible and I will get Dr. Alistair to tend to him as soon as possible. Please do not delay.

- Fae



CONFIDENTIAL

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Ms. Wilson,

I am very disappointed to hear that 'Darius' has somehow escaped capture during transportation from Boring to Portland. We were looking forward to putting him to work.

Your brother was able to show me the email in which you replied to him about the bird's medical emergency, but he was not able to produce his own receipt. He had claimed to have cleaned out his Inbox and Outbox, which was true, but we found no such receipt on your end after a brief inspection.

I apologize for the intrusion, but one can never be too sure with national security.

Yours,
- FBI Regional Director Aponte

Sent by: Faeowynn Wilson
Recipient(s): Anders Wilson
Date: 7/29/2019

Mr Aponte,

Yeah, it sure is strange. But you know how it is with computers sometimes! Deleting things all willy nilly and whatnot. I'll keep you updated on our search for Darius, but I don't know how easy he'll be to catch. He always was a free spirit, after all.

- Fae



























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