A Dark Green Kiss
rating: +75+x

Warning: Some sexual references.

"Come on, baby? You don't find this…" She drew her hand up the side of her legs, white-gloved fingers lingering on green, "…inviting?"

Behind her, a man in red and a man in yellow stared at me. Though Yellow's eyes betrayed a simple mind, Red's eyes held the same hunger that Green wore. All he wanted, now and forever, was me.

I could barely stammer out a response. "I-I mean, yeah. But I remember you from when I was, when I was kid. It'd be… wrong." I was grasping at straws.

"Is it wrong to give into human nature? To listen to your most primal urge?"

I struggled to find the connection to frisbee as she placed her hand on my shoulder.

"All I ask is that you fuck me, eat me, and throw away whatever's left. Don't worry. It's not gonna hurt me at all."

I was speechless for a moment, unable to comprehend what I'd just heard.

"But. But you're-"

"The Green M&M?"


It'd been in the news for days. Some kind of "phantom plague."Nobody knew what was going on. You'd get sick, and then, you'd just disappear. I was never too worried; death would be a relief from retail work. And if it didn't kill me, maybe I'd be a hero for finding out what was going on. Win-Win.

I kept mulling over the possibilities as I walked home through a foot of snow, my mind always darting towards zombies, or aliens, or alien zombies. I was so preoccupied that I almost didn't hear the three people walking behind me until they passed me. Three college-aged guys, laughing and showing each other pictures on their phones. I don't think they looked up, or away from each other, for more than a few seconds. Up ahead, a woman with fiery red hair waved to them from an alley and they waved back. Probably friends or classmates. Perhaps if I'd studied more, I'd be there with them.

Hands frozen from the cold, I ducked into a coffee shop and ordered a simple black coffee. The barista, an elderly Italian man asked how work was going in broken English and I did my best to say "Same shit, different day," in equally broken Italian, making him laugh. It was our little ritual.

When I left the coffee shop, I saw the footprints from the boys ended at the alley's mouth. I had no one to go home to, so I indulged my curiosity. I shouldn't have. The alley turned before reaching a dead end and I found the ground covered in a brown substance. Sitting on a dumpster with her feet on what appeared to be the body of a giant M&M mascot, the woman with fiery red hair watched on as the three boys, in various states of undress, convulsed on the floor and tore at their clothes. Their skin flashed multichromatic and their bodies grew bulbous. The woman looked up at me and grinned.

"You shouldn't have come back here."

"No, I uh, shouldn't."

I started to run. I never saw the boys get up.

Breathless, I slammed the door to my apartment. What had I just seen? Before I could process anything, I heard a cough behind me and turned to see the Green M&M, flanked by the Red and Yellow M&Ms.


"And that lead to your current situation?"

"Yes. To the best of my knowledge."

"So you believe that a red-headed woman is running around Boston turning people into giant M&Ms?"

"Well, not turning."

"Yeah. You're saying it's based on ingesting the flesh and sexual intercourse."

"Yes, Doctor, I do."

"Then why in God's Green Earth did you-"

"Because they were delicious."

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